I have many five-minute scripts available, almost all of them royalty-free and almost all (but not quite) suitable for high schools. Here’s a list (still under construction):

ABBY, FROM A TO Z
A college student has a penchant for organizing everything in alphabetical order – including her love life. Rated R for sexual content. Cast: Three females. Running time: Five minutes.
* Performed June 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
* Classroom performance at The Art Institute, Denver, Colorado, December 2005.

ABOUT THE SIZE OF A TEASPOON
The parents of a dead rock star — whose death decades ago still inspires doubt about whether he faked his death — cope with the lingering questions from rabid fans. See also: “The Great Escape.” Cast: Three — two male, one female.

THE ACTION HEROES OF THE INFORMATION AGE
A librarian talks about how she deals with self-appointed censors who steal, misplace or vandalize controversial books – she shoots them. Cast: Can be as small as nine or as large as 15. One female, four male, the rest non-gender.

ADVICE FOR MEN
A men’s advice show dispenses advice. Very bad advice. Cast: Two males.

AFTERLIFE
God is dead, but now faces the afterlife. He stands before St. Peter, who must go by the book, when Satan turns up to try to claim the Almighty’s soul. Dark comedy and theology ensue. Cast: Six — five male, one non-gender. <
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 18, 2008.

THE AGE OF OPHIUCHUS
Astronomers announce the sun really passes through 13 constellations, which means the zodiac now has an additional sign, which means your horoscope is wrong. That leads to domestic discord. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 14, 2011.

AL-AMERICA
A Fourth of July piece that looks at what the American Revolution might have looked like if it had been carried out by terrorists. Cast: At least five, with at least four males, one non-gender.
Staged reading July  2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

ALL FIREFIGHTERS ARE THE SAME
A monologue about a Soviet firefighter who responded to the nuclear accident at Chernobyl, who also pays tribute to the New York firefighters who responded on September 11.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 7, 2012.

ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL
A Fourth of July piece. A lecherous Thomas Jefferson appears on a television show to talk about the Declaration of Independence, but he’s more interested in picking up women. Cast: Four — one male, one female, two non-gender.
Performed July  2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

ALPHABET SOUP
Hard times have hit the alphabet. The letter “Q” has been laid off. Now he’s sitting in a bar, drinking heavily and contemplating suicide, by throwing himself into alphabet soup. Dark comedy follows. Related to “Q Downsized.” Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 10, 2011.

AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL, or América, a Bela
A singer sings “America the Beautiful” in Spanish, then gets arrested for singing a patriotic song in a foreign language. Cast: Three — 2 male, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

AMY4U
A young woman meets an older man on the Internet, and then meets him offline for sex. Each is lying to the other — and she leaves him in fear about what she might be lying about. Rated R for sexual content. Cast: One female, one male. Running time: Five minutes.
Performed February 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THIS IS ANGEL O’LORD REPORTING
The Christmas story, as reported on television – with Angel O’Lord as the television reporter on the scene in Bethlehem. That’s Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Cast: Eight – 1 female, 1 male, 6 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

THE ANGELS OVER OPERATING BAY 20
A mother, distraught over her cancer-stricken son going through surgery, retreats to the roof of a hospital — convinced that the air vents are really the evidence of the beating wings of angels. Guardian angels. Cast: Two, one female, one non-gender
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 8, 2011.

AN ANGRY GOAT ON THE ROOF
A television crew covers, well, an angry goat up on the roof. Cast: Five. Running time: Five minutes

THE ANIMAL ACT
A washed-up entertainer is paired with a monkey in a new show biz act; the audience loves it but the entertainer is resentful and wants out of the deal — only to find there’s a catch. A somber, serious piece. Cast of two males.
• Performed April 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

ANOTHER REASON WHY YVONNE DOESN’T GET ASKED OUT VERY MUCH
A woman tells a friend about her disappointing date the weekend before. The guy wanted to try some kinky stuff and the result was, well, surprising. Cast: Two females with one male voice off-stage.
Performed January 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
Produced at Post 5, Portland, Oregon, May 23-June 25, 2012.

ANTARTICA, AFTER THE POLES CHANGE
A passing planetoid has knocked the earth off its axis. The North Pole is now in Iowa, North America is under a glacier and Antarctica is now temperate. Americans make their way to settle Antarctica. This script follows a family that has paid a bribe to get their first. Cast: Five to ten, depending on how many narrators you use. Basic cast of five is two adult males, one adult female, and two kids — one teen and one pre-teen of either gender. The ten narrators are all non-gender.

THE ANTI-SMOKING NAZIS
A monologue that’s either against smoking, or maybe for it, depending on your point of view. It points out that the German scientists during World War 2 were the first to make the definitive link between smoking and lung cancer. Cast: One, non-gender.

ARABIC NUMERALS
A woman complains to the local school board that her son is being taught Arabic numerals in school — not quite comprehending what they are. They just sound like something foreign to her. Cast: Five — 1 female, 1 juvenile male, 3 non-gender. Running time:
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 21, 2011.

AS ASIAN AS APPLE PIE
A monologue on the apple, and how our impressions of it don’t square with the facts. As American as apple pie? its roots as actually in central Asia. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: A minute or so.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 24, 2008.
* Performed by Playground Experiment, New York, November 2020.

ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO, OH NEVER MIND, YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW
A young woman takes a temp job in the office at a cemetery. She’s soon confronted with the job of dealing with ‘freeloaders’ — people who dump their ashes on the family plot without permission. Despite the morbid subject matter, this is a comedy. Of sorts. Two versions available. Cast: Version one has cast of four — 1 male, 2 female, 1 non-gender. Version two had cast of three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
It’s early 1961, a new president is in office, and America seems to be falling way behind the Soviets in the space race. A young boy responds by heeding the president’s admonition to help his country — by building his own rocket. Cast: Four — 1 male adult, 1 male child, 1 female adult, 1 female child.
• Staged reading January 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Staged reading December 2004 at Attic Productions New Year’s Party, Fincastle, Va.

ASTERISK*
The origin of the asterisk, and how it now comes to be used in baseball to signify a record that should be questioned. Five different versions available. Cast: One, non-gender.

THE AVENGING ANGEL
Science meets religion in the not-so-distant future. Astronomers have discovered an asteroid on a collision course with earth, and the United States prepares to launch a rocket to intercept it. But one of the engineers has sabotaged the rocket, believing the asteroid is a sign from God. Cast: Two males.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 9, 2007.

AWAITING THE ANGEL OF DEATH IN CUBICLE SIX
Awaiting lay-offs. Cast: Five. One female, four non-gender.

BAD GIRLS OF THE BIBLE
A bishop reprimands a minister who has decided to reach out to the unchurched with a calendar featuring Bible scenes — in the nude. Cast: Two men.

BAD JUJU
A young woman who has had bad luck with previous roommates has more bad luck. Her new roommate worships Zeus, and proceeds to sacrifice a chicken in the living room. Cast: Two females.

THE BAD MUSE
A very naughty muse tries to distract a writer with Internet porn. Cast: Three – one male, two females.

THE BALLAD OF THE LITTLE PIGGY WHO ATE ROAST BEEF
This little pig had roast beef …and then developed an unnatural taste for his fellow citizens of the barnyard. Cast: One male.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. January 2010.

THE BANANA MAN
A mascot at a baseball team – dressed up as a banana – suffers a humiliation. His girlfriend makes it worse. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 26, 2011.

THE BANNER
A groundskeeper finds an old banner in the fieldhouse for a state championship team. Except, the team didn’t win that game; the banner was printed up in advance and the team lost. And the groundskeeper knows why. Cast: Two males.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 2013.

BARBARO IS GOING DOWN!
Two men are playing chess. One is trying to play quietly, but the other is trash-talking him, trying to distract him. Cast: Two, non-gender, but best as male.

BARBIE IS AN ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE
A boy prepares to execute a doll — blindfold, cigarette, firing squad — as part of a history project. His sister objects. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Feb. 8, 2008.

THE BATTLE OF BRITTANY
While a history teacher drones on about World War II, the students in the class pass notes around. But as the students whisper each other’s names — Paris, Summer, Brittany, among others — the teacher thinks they are correctly answering questions, and is very impressed by their apparent attentiveness. Cast: Eight — 1 male, 5 female, 2 non-gender. Feel free to expand the cast with non-speaking roles to create a larger classroom scene.

BECOMING SOUTHERN
A monologue in which a woman from New York describes how she became a true Southerner — which begins with an innocent trip to buy home furnishings for her new apartment and ends in a drunken stupor. Cast: One female.
• Performed September 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,
Roanoke, Va.

BEER MONEY
A young woman describes how she went to college in West Texas so she wouldn’t be distracted by big cities. Instead, she found herself hunting armadillos on a Saturday night to come up with enough money to buy beer. Her roommate is a tough-talking Texan whose vocabulary seems to consist almost entirely of curse words. Cast: Three — 2 female, 1 male. Running time: Five minutes (There’s also a longer version about eight minutes long.)
• Staged reading March 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,
Roanoke, Va.

BELIEVERS
An Arab sheik meets with a Russian mobster and offers him money to obtain a Soviet-era nuclear weapon. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading summer 2008 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE BIG 4-0
A man worried about turning into a conservative when he turns 40. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading June 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE BIG BOSS
An absurd look at power, and how we grant it. A new member of an criminal mob finds himself hauled before The Big Boss to be disciplined — and finds that The Big Boss is really a kid. Cast: Three — two adult males, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading January 9, 2009 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

BIG TIME COLLEGE CHEMISTRY
If college academics worked like big time college sports, this is what the chemistry department would be like. Cast: Four — two male, two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 11, 2013.
• * Produced as a radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle Pacific University, Seattle, Washington, April 9, 2013.

THE BIGGEST TOMATO IN THE COUNTY
A man hires a kid to help him spy on his neighbors garden, because both are competing to grow the biggest tomato in the county. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one male child. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading September 14, 2007 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
* Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.

THE BIOLOGY OF EVIL
The narrator explains why the dodder plant proves the existence of God, because it proves the existence of God’s antithesis — the devil. That’s because the dodder — a parasitic plant that kills its hosts — is a living example of evil. Variations are “The Devil’s Garden” and “If Plants Could Scream.” Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Two minutes.

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES
A father and son are fishing and the father gives a talk about “the birds and the bees.’ Except this is more of a rant, about how bees work themselves to death and birds eat them and go crazy. Cast: Two males, one adult, one juvenile. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 2007.

BLACK OUT
A writer steps into a piece to kill a character. The other characters object. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Four males. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., April 23, 2010.

BLACK FRIDAY IN THE BARNYARD
A pig jokes about how turkey didn’t know he was going to be eaten for Thanksgiving, unaware that he is intended to be the Christmas ham. Cast: Two — best as one male, one female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 26, 2010.

THE BLACKEST FRIDAY
A woman goes into a biker bar to recruit some tough guys to help clear a path for her during Black Friday shopping. Comedy ensues. Some sexual innuendo. Cast: Three — two male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 27, 2009.

BLAZE RED
A game warden comes upon Little Red Riding Hood, who has just killed the wolf. Cast: Two. One male, one female.

BLIND DATE WITH A UNICORN
A woman arranges a date online with a unicorn. He turns out to be a rhino which, technically, has just one horn. Cast: Three – two females, one male.

THE BLOOD OF VIRGINS
A dark piece about a young girl about to be sacrificed so the queen may bathe in her blood. On the surface, it’s a spooky piece about an old legend. It’s also a commentary on following orders without question, and the price that sometimes is paid for such blind loyalty. Cast of four or more — 3 male, 1 female. .
• Produced at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 2006.

BLOWING UP URANUS (monologue)
A cheeky monologue in which a high school or middle school student explains how to put together a quick science fair project — involving flatulence. Cast of one male.

BLOWING UP URANUS (scene)
A cheeky scene that combines a science fair, science fiction — and flatulence. Uranus is mostly methane. So are farts. Methane is also highly flammable. So is it possible to blow up the planet? Cast: Three males.

BLUE EYES
A man compliments a woman on her blue eyes, then points out they’re a genetic mutation. She is not impressed. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va, May 4, 2012.

BLUE PLATE SPECIAL
A waitress and a diner argue over what constitutes a “blue plate special.” She has served only the plate – the food is extra. Cast: Two – one male, one female.

BOB’S SMALL ENGINE AND MOJO REPAIR
A blues singer shows up at a small engine repair shop and tries to have his mojo fixed. He’s not sure what his mojo is, but he just knows it’s not working. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.
• Produced by New Frontiers Charter School, San Antonio, Texas, March 4, 2006.
• Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. July 14, 2007.
* Produced in “Broadway on Thin Ice” by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 7, 2010.

BOGO
A customer and clerk debate the grammar of “buy one, get one.” Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: * Performed at Showtimers annual meeting, date unknown.

BORED AND CRUISING AT 37,000 FEET
A former military pilot starts to chafe at the boring routine of flying a commercial airliner. Cast: Two, at least one male. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 19, 2010.
• Staged reading at Labyrinth Festival, Roanoke, Va., early April 2011.

THE BREAK-IN
Two elderly women break into a high school, trying to steal a trophy they felt their team should have won back when they were in school. Cast: Four: Two senior women, two men .
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 2013.
• Staged reading at The Readers Repertory Theatre at San Pedro, California, March 2015.

THE BRIDGE COLUMN
A newspaper publisher laments that it’s hard to get rid of the bridge column. His attempts to do so play out with darkly comic results. Cast: Six — five female, one male..
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., July 31, 2009.

BUG UP MY NOSE
One bug tries to persuade another to fly up someone’s nose. Cast: Four, all non-gender. Two main characters, with two smaller ones off-stage. Running time: Two minutes.
* Staged reading at Fincastle Opry and Hoe-Down, Fincastle, Va., Nov.4, 2006

BUT I’M NOT SORRY; IT WAS FUN, ACTUALLY
A teen-ager shows no remorse for a dangerous prank on a school field trip, and his mom is an enabler who makes excuses for him. A dark comedy. Three variations of same script: “Jeremy Learns Another Lesson the Easy Way” and “Of Course, Galileo Got in Trouble For Other Things” and “Once Again, Isaac Newton Gets Blamed For Gravity.” Cast: Three – 1 male, 1 female, 1 teen-age male. Running time: Five minutes.

BUZZARD ANGST, episode one: Why buzzards hate God
Two buzzards sit in a tree. One of them is unhappy about being a buzzard. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two males.

BUZZARD ANGST, episode two: Sing for your supper
Two buzzards sit in a tree. One of them wants to be a songbird instead. Angst, and dark comedy, ensue. Cast: Two males.
• Staged reading at the Liminal alternative artspace, Roanoke, Va., March 21, 2013.

BUZZARDS
Two cowboys, dying in the desert, discuss the buzzards circling overhead. Running time: Five minutes. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.
• Produced at James Madison University, Harrisonburg, Va., 1979.
• Performed February 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Performed June 2004 by Clear Lake Arts Council, Clear Lake, Iowa.
• Produced April 29, 2005 by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va.
• Published summer 2005 by Norman Maine/Big Dog Publishing, as part of the collection “Animal Instinct.”
• Produced by Lloyd C. Bird High School, Chesterfield, Va., February 2006.
• Produced by New Frontiers Charter School, San Antonio, Texas, March 4, 2006.
* Produced by Farmington High School, Farmington, New Mexico, March 2009.

BY THE LAKE, or THE SEARCH FOR A HANDSOME PRINCE COMES UP DRY
The lady of the lake has a conversation with a woman kissing frogs in search of a handsome prince. Three different endings. Cast of two females.

THE CALL OF THE OPEN ROAD
Two chickens discuss why they should cross the road. Both a long version and a one-minute version. Cast: Two, non-gender.

THE CALL UP
A taxi driver talks about his role in getting a minor league baseball player to his first big league game. Based loosely on a true story. Cast: Three males; option to add other non-speaking roles.

A CAMPAIGN AD WE’D LIKE TO SEE, Vol. 1
In which a candidates admits they’re in league with the devil, and other bad things. Cast: One, non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Oct. 8, 2010.

CAN I?
A lesson in both grammar and assertiveness. A restaurant customer asks: “can I have the daily special?” A bossy waiter or waitress says “no.” Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., May 1, 2009.
• Staged reading in The Best of No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 16 and 17, 2009.
• Staged reading at Showtimers annual meeting, Roanoke, September 2014
• Produced by Jeonju Players, Jeonju, South Korea, December 2014

CAN’TALOPES
Two people setting up a roadside produce stand argue over the correct spelling of the word “cantalope.” Cast: Two, both non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.
• Staged reading at benefit dinner for Literacy Council of Manatee County, Bradenton, Fla., May 2007.
* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

CAPTAIN FUNHOUSE AND THE ROLLICKING, FROLICKING ADVENTURES GANG
A cut-rate children’s television show debuts, and goes terribly, horribly wrong. Cast: Four — two male adults, one male juvenile, one female adult.
* Staged reading, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 22, 2010.

CAR CHASES, EXPLOSIONS AND SEX SCENES
Why are movies more popular than live theatre? Two roommates with divergent interests explore the topic after the one returns home early from a failed date. Cast: Two men.
• Performed September 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

CARBON KILLS, or THE GOLDEN TOAD AND OTHER LOST TREASURES OF THE SIXTH AGE
A cautionary tale about global warming. In the fire version, each speaker lights a candle to mark a warning about extinction and eventually sets a paper globe aflame. In the blood version, each speaker dips their hands in red food coloring and eventually smears a globe with their “blood.” Cast: Six, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed May 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,
Roanoke, Va.

CAREER GOAL: BIMBO
A student meets with the career counsellor and announces that she wants to be a bimbo. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two, both non-gender. Running time: Two to three minutes.

A CAT CAN TURN A SINGLE WOMAN INTO A SPINSTER (and two cats can turn her into a crone.)
A woman is horrified to learn that her friend has just acquired two cats — and proceeds to tell her how that will turn her into a spinster. With two optional endings. Cast: Two females.
* Performed at forensics festival in Iowa, fall 2008.

CAT AND DOG
A cat, stuck up a tree, looks down on the dog below, both literally and figuratively. Cast: Two, non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 18, 2010.
* Produced by Central High School, Little Rock, Arkansas, December 2010.
* Staged reading at Parkland Community College, Champaign, Illinois, December 2010.
* Produced as a radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle Pacific University, Seattle, Washington, April 2, 2013.

CAT AND DOG CONTEMPLATE THE UNIVERSE
The second installment in the “Cat and Dog” series, in which the cat contemplates his place in the universe. Naturally, it’s at the center. Cast: Two, non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., March 25, 2011.

CAT AND DOG DISCUSS THEIR PLACES IN THE SOCIAL HIERARCHY
Another in the “Cat and Dog” series, in which cat informs dog that dog belongs to him, since dog has a human owner, which cat regards as staff. Cast: Two males, but can be non-gender.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 19, 2012.

CAT PERSON
A woman’s date goes badly — very badly. She returns home early and describes the scene to her sympathetic roommate, while the scene is acted out upstage. But then the guy’s account surfaces — maybe it went bad on purpose? The central conflict: She’s a cat person; he’s a dog person. Cast: Five — 3 females, 2 males.

CAT ON TRIAL (The Active Retirement of Irene Anderson)
A retiree puts the neighbor’s cat on trial because it caught a bird. Two versions available. Cast: Two seniors — one male, one female.
• Staged reading at Readers Theatre, San Pedro, California (Los Angeles), February 2015.
• Staged reading at Readers Theatre, San Pedro, California (Los Angeles), April 2016.

THE CELLPHONES OF THE DEAD
A police officer’s somber monologue: He was at the scene of a mass shooting, and could literally hear the awful news start to spread — as the cellphones of the victims started to ring with desperate messages from their frantic friends. Cast: Variable, but only one male has speaking role. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading April 20, 2007 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,
Roanoke, Va.
Staged reading by Nu Sass theatre, Washington, D.C., March 2018.
Staged reading at Code Red event, Roanoke, Virginia, April 2018.
Produced at The Phoenix Theatre in Minneapolis, Minnesota, September 2018.
Produced by Creative Collisions, a industry showcase at the Cockpit Theatre, London, UK, November 2018.

A CHALKBOARD SCRIBBLED IN BLOOD
A dark monologue about school shootings. Cast: One, non-gender.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 14, 2012 (on the occasion of the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting.)
• Produced by Rabbit’s Riot Theatre, Sligo, Ireland, November 2016.

THE CHAPERONES
Two teachers chaperone the high school prom; the one is plagued by bad memories of his or her own prom years ago. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed April 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
•Produced June 2005 by No Shame Theatre as part of National Best of No Shame, at Picolo Spoleto arts festival, Charleston, S.C.

CHASING THE GHOSTS OF PARAGUAY
A Jewish man goes to Paraguay to hunt for old Nazis, but realizes he is some 20 years or more too late. A dark monologue. Cast: One man. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 9, 2009.

CHATTER
A kid is at bat in a baseball game, and not doing well. The crowd shouts encouragement — and we hear the dark, pessimistic thoughts inside the kid’s head. Cast of two or more — one juvenile male, plus at least one adult voice in the crowd.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. July 10, 2008

CHE’S HANDS (version 1)
After the revolutionary Che Guevera was executed by the Bolivian army in 1967, his hands were amputated and sent to Argentina for fingerprinting and identification. A short time later, they smuggled to Cuba. This scene imagines the smuggler’s flight out of Argentina. Cast: One male, with off-stage voice.

CHE’S HANDS (version 2)
A government official in Argentina discovers the severed hands of Che Guevara in a vault. Note: This is purely fanciful. In reality, Guevara’s hands were amputated, and sent to Argentina for fingerprinting and identification. But later they were smuggled to Cuba. This scene envisions that those hands later displayed in Cuba were fakes. Cast: One male. Monologue.

CHE! HEY!
The story of how communist revolutionary Che Guevara was executed, and became a folk hero among leftists. Cast: Nine, five male, three female, one non-gender.

CHELSEA APPLIES HER PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS
A college student just home for the summer finds her mother has booked her to babysit her younger brother. Eager to spend the night on the town instead, the student instead finds a way to pawn off her pre-teen brother as some unfortunate high school girl’s last-minute emergency prom date. Cast: Four — 3 female, 1 pre-teen male.
* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

CHERRY POP TARTS
An erotic ode to the breakfast pastry. Cast: One male. Monologue.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Va., Sept. 11, 2009.
* Staged reading at Garfield Center for the Arts, Chestertown, Maryland, Feb. 13, 2015.

THE CHERRY TREE NEAR LOOS
A somber, and true, story about the futility of war. A narrator describes how in the spring of 1915, a young British officer climbed a cherry tree in No Man’s Land to hoist a Union Jack. He was shot to death, and his body became entangled in the branches. After rescue attempts failed, the British were forced to bring in artillery to blow the trees to bits as the only way to get the body down. Cast: One narrator, non-gender, but with the option to act out part of the scene with additional, non-speaking, players. Monologue.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., August 31, 2007.

CHICKEN
Two hungry characters discuss whether, and how, to eat a non-existent
chicken. Running time: Five minutes. Cast: Two, both non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Produced at James Madison University, Harrisonburg, Va., 1979.
• Performed February 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Performed June 2004 by Clear Lake Arts Council, Clear Lake, Iowa.
• Performed October 2004 by Central High School, Cheyenne, Wyoming.
• Performed November 2004 as a classroom assignment at Southern Methodist University, Dallas, Tex.
• Performed December 2004 by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va., SVCC Arts Extravaganza (Staged reading)
• Published summer 2005 by Norman Maine/Big Dog Publishing, as part of the collection “Animal Instinct.”
• Produced by Lloyd C. Bird High School, Chesterfield, Va., February 2006.
• Produced by New Frontiers Charter School, San Antonio, Texas, March 4, 2006.
* Produced by Farmington High School, Farmington, New Mexico, March 2009.

CHICKEN SOUL FOR THE SOUP
A farmer is about to chop off the head of a chicken when a minister stops him — for awhile, anyway. Cast: Two or three – 2 male, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed January 27, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

CHICKEN SOUL FOR THE SOUP, Version 2
The devil’s sick, so one of his minion shows up in the henhouse, looking to collect a chicken’s soul to put in some soup. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: One female, one male.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. March 11, 2011.
• Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. April 2011.

THIS CHICKEN WALKED INTO A BAR . . .
A chicken walks into a bar and talks about the road. Two versions available, one with puns, one with Kerouac in mind. Cast: Pun version is three — two male, one non-gender. Kerouac version is two — one male, one non-gender.

THE CHILDREN’S ROOM
Two children are sent to “the children’s room” at church because they can’t sit still during the regular service. The teacher in the children’s room tells them the story of Jezebel, with many dramatic flourishes, and captivates the children with a tale of murder and mutilation. A black comedy. Cast: Three or four, depending on which ending you choose. If three — 1 female, 2 children of either gender. If four — 1 female, 1 male, 2 children of either gender.

CHOOSE YOUR COMPANIONS CAREFULLY, aka EXPEDITION
A monologue about exploring the Antarctic – and cannibalism. Cast: One male.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., January 8, 2010.
* Staged reading at Liminal gallery, Roanoke, Virginia, January 2014.

CHRISTIAN NUMBERS
A minister preaches against the “pagan numbers” on a computer keyboard because they begin with one, not zero. He points out that the ancient Greeks did not believe in the number zero. But Christians do because the Bible teaches that God created the universe out of nothingness. But the minister’s call for “Christian numbers” is interrupted by parishioners who raise difficult questions of their own. A quirky look at both religion and mathematics. Cast: Six, which could be reduced to three. If six, 1 male, 5 non-gender. If three,1 male, 2 non-gender.
• Performed January 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE CHRISTMAS GOAT (Santa version)
A child who wants everything for Christmas sits on Santa’s lap. An increasingly grumpy Santa responds by telling a story about the Christmas goat. There’s supposed to be a moral to the story. Does the kid get it? Probably not. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender child.
* Produced by Open Door Playhouse, Los Angeles, California, December 2022

CHURCH LEAGUE
A man is denied entrance to heaven because he committed an error in a church league softball game. Cast: Six — four male, two non-gender.

THE CIRCUS MAN
Set in the 1930s, a circus manager explains how he scours the country looking for circus freaks. But the means he uses to lure them into the circus aren’t always ethical. Here, he tries to bribe a police officer to settle a dispute over a disfigured child he’s kidnapped. Cast of one male.
• Performed April 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Produced by Star City Creators Society as part of the Marginal Arts Festival, March 29, 2013, Roanoke, Va.

CLAMSHELLS AND CREDIT CARDS
A man tosses a coin into a fountain. A mermaid appears and comedy ensues. Three variations of the same basic story: The Mermaid in the Wishing Well / The Mermaid in the Fountain / Clamshells and Credit Cards. Cast: Two, one male, one female.

THE COLD WAR DIARY OF IRINA IVANOVA (The Moscow embassy incident)
A former KGB officer laments the collapse of the Soviet Union and
recounts an incident during the Cold War in which she used her feminine
wiles to help other Soviet agents break into the code room of the
American embassy in Moscow. Cast: One female. Monologue.
• Performed March 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

COLDER THAN A WITCHES’ YOU KNOW WHAT
Two men at a bar discuss the cold weather. One of them discloses that he once dated a witch and knows first-hand the true temperature of a witches’ you-know-what. Two different versions: A cold version and a hot version. Cast
of two males.
• Performed November 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE COLLEGE SQUIRRELS
Three squirrels dash around on the college lawn. Every semester, one of the biology classes comes out to observe them, and the squirrels decide to put on a show for the students — by having one of the squirrels pretend he or she is rabid. Note: There’s lots of running involved in this. Cast: Three, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.
* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. July 14, 2007.

* Produced by North Hunterdon High School, Annandale, New Jersey, 2018

COLONEL ROBERT WHITMORE (U.S. ARMY, RET.) TALKS TO PLANTS
A military retiree addresses his plants as a drill sergeant might deal with a company of new recruits. Things go poorly. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Three minutes.

COLORS HELD HOSTAGE
A subdivision resident tries to get around the restrictions on unusual color schemes. Cast: Two, best as male.

THE COMING REIGN OF INSECTS
A dark monologue about the importance of insects in the ecosystem. It is delivered as celebration of the end of man — delivered, we learn at the end, from an insect. Cast: One male. Monologue.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 5, 2011.

THE COMMITTEE ON WITCH-BURNING
A committee builds a pyre to burn something but then can’t agree on what it should be. A comic look at decision-making. Cast of four, all non-gender.

THE COMPLAINT LETTER
A retiree finds a stem in a can of beans and writes a complaint letter to the company. In turn, the company sends him several cases of beans as a way to make up for the mishap. He now finds a purpose in life — he fills his time by writing complaint letters to companies and is showered with delivery upon delivery of goods. Cast: Three – 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender. There are several different versions, which accounts for the different running times.

COPIER DEMON
The office copier has broken down, and a witch doctor is called in to heal it — with a wild incantation and much dancing. Comedy ensues. Three different versions available. Cast: Three or four. Version 1 is one male, three non-gender. Version 2 is four non-gender. Version 3 is three non-gender. Running time: Depends on how long you want the incantation to run, but generally three to five minutes.

THE COPYRIGHT VIOLATION
A woman gets a tattoo of a cartoon character, but then a lawyer for the studio that owns the rights to the character shows up at her doorstep claiming she’s in violation of copyright laws. He wants money — or the tattoo. But how do
you repossesses a tattoo? Cast: Three – 1 female, 2 male.
• Performed August 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Performed January 2005 at Acme Theatre New Works Winter Festival, Maynard, Mass.
•Produced by Homespun Productions, broadcast on Channel 18, Sacramento, California, October 2005.
. • Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
* Produced by West High School, West, Texas, Feb. 16, 2008.

THE CORN CHIP THAT LOOKS LIKE JESUS (OR MAYBE ELVIS)
A woman finds a corn chip that looks like Jesus — or Elvis — or maybe both. She and her husband are convinced this will make them rich, until . . . well, until their plan goes awry. Cast: Three — One adult male, one adult female, one juvenile male.

THE CORN MAZE
Three kids lost in a corn maze encounter the ghost of a Civil War soldier, who tells the story of why he’s doomed to walk the field for all eternity. Cast: Four — one male, three non-gender juveniles.

THE CORPORATE LADDER
Corporate cutbacks have stranded a worker on the roof. Getting him down proves a complicated exercise in corporate politics. Cast: Two, both non-gender.

THE CORPORATE TRIBE AND DOWNSIZING
A modern boardroom — or is it a caveman tribe — debates how best to downsize the organization. Two different versions available. Cast: Five — 4 male,1 female or Six – 5 male, 1 female.

THE CORPORATE TRIBE AND THE INVENTION OF FIRE
A modern boardroom — or is it a caveman tribe — debates the invention of fire. The board doesn’t think much of it. Cast: Five — 4 male,1 female.
* Produced by City Circle Acting Company, Coralville, Iowa, February 2007.

THE CORPORATE TRIBE AND THE INVENTION OF THE WHEEL
A modern boardroom — or is it a caveman tribe — debates the invention of the wheel. The board doesn’t think much of it. Cast: Five — 4 male,1 female. Running time: Five minutes.
* Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.
* Produced in “Broadway on Thin Ice” by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 7, 2010.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
A dark comedy about a dysfunctional family gathering for a meal with the grandfather, who now lives in a retirement home. Cast: Five — two adult males, one adult female, one juvenile male, one juvenile girl.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Nov. 21, 2008.

COUNTING SHEEP
Four sheep watch a man trying to fall asleep. It gets weird and absurd. Cast: Five — non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

COUNTDOWN TO 2041
The treaty governing Antarctica expires in 2041. Here’s what that means and it’s not pretty. Think: global land rush. Cast: One, non-gender. Monologue.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 8, 2013.

COUNTING
A dark monologue about mass shootings. Cast: One male. Monologue.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., November 2009.

COVER ALL THE BASES (two-man version)
A man sits at a bar and asks a bartender a hypothetical question — if a fellow comes home and finds his man in bed with another man, which one should he shoot? Comes in both a two-man version and a monologue version. The monologue version runs one page, the two-man version runs two. Cast of one or two males. Running time: 1 – 2 minutes.

COYOTE
An illegal immigrant from Mexico explains what she had to do to cross the border. Rated R for sexual content. Cast: One female. Monologue.
* Staged reading at Liminal Alternative Artspace, Roanoke, Va., fall 2012.

CRACKED IT OPEN
An absurdist piece about nuclear energy. Cast of 10 — 4 male, 3 female, 3 non-gender.)

CREATIVE DIFFERENCES, or, HOW MY BRA BROKE UP THE BAND
A woman goes to a rock concert and tosses her bra onstage. Backstage, the band members fight over it — and their arguments leads to the band’s breakup. Cast: Six — 1 female, 4 males with speaking roles, a fifth male who has no lines. Running time: Five minutes. Note: Script calls for eight bras, though you could probably get by with two if you had to.
• Performed May 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE CRIME OF THE CENTAUR
Set in the 22nd century, when a mad scientist has learned how to splice and dice genomes to create strange new species. One disastrous consequence is a failed attempt at a centaur. See also: “The Zoo of the Future” and “Felicia’s Fantasy Comes to Life,” two related pieces. Cast: Two males.

THE CUBAN KID
A 12-year -old Cuban defects, hoping to make big money playing baseball. Cast: One juvenile male, preferrably Black or Hispanic; one adult male, one non-gender adult.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 23, 2010.

CUPID’S BAD AIM
Venus reprimands Cupid for shooting his arrows at all the wrong people. Cast: Four — 1 female, 1 male child, 2 male adults. Running time: Two minutes.
• Performed February 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Produced June 22-24, 2006, by Stage Q, as part of “Queer Shorts” Playfest in Madison, Wisconsin.

CURRENT AFFAIRS, or How to Read a Newspaper
A boy has to bring in something from the newspaper for his current affairs report at school. His dysfunctional father tries to explain how to read a newspaper. First, he explains that anything with a Washington dateline is a lie, and things go downhill from there. Cast: Two — adult male, juvenile male.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va. April 4, 2008.

CURTAIN SPEECH FROM THE HOUSE OF CULTURE OF STATE BALL-BEARING PLANT NUMBER ONE
The ghost of one of the victims of the 2002 Moscow siege speaks to an audience, welcoming them to a night of theatre. This is a stand-alone piece; adapted from the opening scene of the full-length script “57 Hours in the House of Culture,” by the same author. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 21, 2010.

DAMNABLE FLOWERS
Based on a true story from the “tulip craze” gripped Holland in the 1600s. After the craze past, and many fortunes in tulip speculation were lost, a professor of botany set about trying to eradicate the tulip. Cast: Two men. Running time: Five minutes.

DAMSEL NOT IN DISTRESS
A play on cultural stereotypes. A knight finds a damsel in a tower — but she’s not in distress. Comedy ensues. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 7, 2007.
* Produced as a radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle, Washington, April 16, 2013.

A DANGEROUS DISCOVERY: THE SPARKLES BENEATH OUR FEET
In a Third World country gripped by rebellion, a young girl discovers diamonds in a field – and brings on more trouble. Cast: Four – two male, two female.

THE DANGERS OF ONLINE DATING (or, Has Anyone Seen Anastasia Lately?)
A disturbing piece in which a young man explains his fascination with cannibalism. It ends when he pulls back a curtain to reveal a young woman, bound and gagged, and he prepares to cut out her heart to eat. Cast: Four — 2 men, 2 women.
• Performed December 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
•Produced by Homespun Productions, broadcast on Channel 18, Sacramento, California, October 2005.

THE DAY THE CHURCH PICNIC WENT TO HELL
An older woman finds herself in jail after an incident at a church picnic. Her lawyer asks her what happened and she gives an account. Cast: Two — one female, one non-gender.
• Staged reading by Ars Thespis, Erongaricuro, Mexico, September 2004.
• Staged reading by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va., SVCC Arts Extravaganza, December 2004
• Performed for community gathering in private home in Burk’s Falls, Ontario, September 3, 2005.
• Staged reading at Attic Productions New Year’s Eve Party, Fincastle, Va., December 2005.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

THE DAY THE TIGERS IN THE CIRCUS DECIDED THEY’D HAD ENOUGH
Two tigers in the circus wait backstage for the show to begin. One is content with his or her life. The other is not, and is beginning to harbor murderous thoughts toward the animal trainer. Four different versions, including a one-page version listed in the “one-page play section.” Cast: Two or three, depending on which version you use, all non-gender.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
* Produced by West High School, West, Texas, Feb. 16, 2008.

THE DEAD HORSE
Two men buy a dead horse, thinking it’s just sleeping. Now they try to figure out what to do. Cast: Three males.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 10, 2010.
• Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Oct. 22, 2010.

THE DEFAMATION OF GOATS
A goat sues for libel, because of how goats are portrayed. The case does not go well in court. Cast: Four, non-gender, although traditional casting would call for four males.
• Staged reading September 21, 2007 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

DELICACIES
A sophisticated-looking woman dines alone, and speaks to the audience about delicacies of the world — from escargot in France to a poisonous fish in Japan to insects in parts of Africa and Asia. The punchline is dark; she just dumped her boyfriend is now is dining on the rare delicacy of all — human flesh. Cast: One female. Monologue.
• Staged reading August 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

Produced virtually by Back Porch Theatre, then based in Houston, May 2020.

* Produced by Emerson Arts, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, October 2021.

DELIVERING THE NEWS
A newspaper delivery boy explains how he keeps his customers happy, by cutting certain items out of the paper that they won’t like. Cast: Two males.

THE DEMONS WITHIN
A scene about addiction. An alcoholic tries to resist the bottle, while his demons circle him, taunting him, encouraging him, until he gives in. Cast: Three or four — one male, two or three females.

DEMOTING PLUTO
An astronomy professor conducts a classroom demonstration to make the case that Pluto shouldn’t be classified as a planet. Taken from the one-act of the same name. Cast: Eleven, all non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Produced by Explora Science Center, Albuquerque, New Mexico, November 2014.

DESERT ISLAND
Two strangers are marooned on an island. Sex and dark comedy ensue. Cast: Two: One male, one female.. Running time: Three minutes. (Note: A one-minute version by the same name.)

DESERT ONE
A tribute to the Americans who lost their lives in the failed attempt to rescue the American hostages in Iran in 1980. This scene depicts a conversation between two soldiers patrolling the perimeter of Desert One, the secret base that American forces set up inside Iran as they prepared to launch the assault on Tehran that, of course, never came. Cast: Three or four. If three, all male. If four, three male and one non-gender.

THE DEVIL’S DAUGHTER
A comic monologue in which the devil’s daughter says she’s not the type of person you think she might be. Cast of one female. Monologue.

THE DEVIL’S GARDEN
Did the devil cultivate his own garden outside of Eden? A narrator looks at some of the planet’s most toxic plants, and wonders whether God could have created something so evil. Variations are “The Biology of Evil” and “If Plants Could Scream.” Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Two minutes. Monologue.

THE DEVIL AND MADISON AVENUE
The devil goes to a public relations for advice on how to update his image. Two different versions available. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Two minutes

THE DEVIL’S MUSIC
What kind of music does the devil listen to? Four people on a bench debate the topic — rock, classical, bubblegum or country? Then the devil himself weighs in. Cast: Five, best played as male, although you could get by with four non-gender and one male, the devil himself.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF FERTILIZER
An old man buys drugs from a drug dealer — hoping to put them on his garden to produce odd shaped vegetables. Cast: Two males.

DIGGING UP MARTIN BORMANN
Loosely based on historical fact. German authorities in 1972 dug up a skull they believe was that of the Nazi fugitive Martin Bormann. But the files of the Paraguayan secret police say Bormann actually died in their country in 1959. There’s a theory on how to explain the discrepancy, which this dramatizes. Cast: Five men.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., April 30, 2010.

DIOGENES AND THE FERRYMAN
A poem in which the Greek philosopher finally finds his honest man. Cast: One male. Monologue.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, December 2009.

DIRTY BOMB
Terrorists post a video threatening to detonate a nuclear bomb in New York City. What does the president do? This scene envisions the debate in the Oval Office. Cast: Six or eight, all non-gender..

THE DISAPPEARED
A dark piece remembering the “dirty war” in Argentina during the late 1970s that produced “the disappeared.” There are three different versions available. One is from the perspective of a mother; one from the perspective of an air force pilot; the third is a duologue combining the two. Cast: One or two, depending on the version. Can be male, female, or one of each.

DISASTER PREPAREDNESS
A forecast of snow flurries leads to ove-rpreparation and comedy. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one juvenile female.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 17, 2012.

DIVORCED FROM REALITY (counselor version)
A man meets with his counselor to explain the counseling isn’t working and he wants a divorce — from reality. Cast: Two males.

DIVORCED FROM REALITY (voices version)
A man listens to the voices in his head. They appear to be describing a faithless spouse; instead, they are advocating a divorce from reality. Cast: Five — one male, four females.

DO, DID, DONE
A woman talks about why the word “do” — in a sexual context — is offensive. Cast: One female. Monologue.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 11, 2011.

DO YOU DESERVE A HOTTER BOYFRIEND?
A woman takes a magazine survey to help her determine whether he deserves a hotter girlfriend. Her roommate thinks it’s a fraud. Comedy ensues. Two alternate versions available. See also: “Do You Deserve a Hotter Girlfriend?” Cast: Two females.
• Performed May 5, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.
• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., July 2009.

DO YOU DESERVE A HOTTER GIRLFRIEND?
A guy takes a magazine survey to help him determine whether he deserves a hotter girlfriend. His roommate thinks it’s a fraud. Comedy ensues. Two alternate versions available. See also: “Do You Deserve a Hotter Boyfriend?” Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

DODGER BLUE
Two African-American men discuss the demise of baseball among urban youth. Cast: Two males. Running time : Two minutes.
• Produced by Dumas Arts Festival, Roanoke, Va., February 22, 2008.

DOG CASES
The sheriff explains why he gave Miss Gulch the order to impound Toto. Turns out, the sheriff is a cat person. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: One male. Monologue.

DOROTHY GETS A DOG
Auntie Em and Uncle Henry have the conversation that leads to Dorothy getting Toto. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: One male, one female.
• Produced at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio Camp, Roanoke, Va., June 19, 2010.

DOROTHY ON THE COUCH
Dorothy, years after Oz, visits a psychiatrist. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Two – one male, one female.

DREAMS DIE SLOW IN CALIFORNIA
A lyrical rant about how hard it is to break into show business. Adult themes. Cast: One, non-gender. Monologue.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., summer 2008.

THE DUNKING BOOTH, or SIDESHOW CHARLIE
A former baseball scout now works in the dunking booth at the carnival, and talks about how time has passed him by. Cast: One male. Monologue.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., fall 2010.

EARL GETS RELIGION
A disturbing yet comic piece about a man’s search for a child-bride. Cast: Two men. Running time: Five minutes.

EARL’S LATEST PLAN
Two not-so-bright carnival workers discuss Earl’s latest plan — he’s found a kid who wants to run away with the circus and wants to put him to use as a con artist. A dark comedy. Cast: Three — two adult males, one juvenile male.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 6, 2008.

EARTH EGG
A man listens to noises coming up from the floor, convinced the earth is an egg that’s going to hatch a space monster. Two versions available — a monologue and a cast of three, all non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., March 5, 2010.

THE EASTER BUNNY AND THE LITTLE RED HEN
The Little Red Hen wants to take over Easter by knocking off the Easter Bunny. After all, why should a rabbit be the one delivering eggs? Cast: Four — one female, three male.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., April 22, 2011.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES
A mother makes her kids eat their vegetables. One of them suddenly gags, and acts out a dramatic death scene. The mom thinks it’s an act, but the other kid says no, he (or she) is really dead. The mom panics. It’s all a ruse, of course, a very convincing one. Cast: Three or four — 1 adult female, 2 kids, both non-gender. Some versions also call for 1 adult male. Running time: Three minutes.
• Staged reading December 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

THE EFFICIENCY EXPERT
A consultant comes into the workplace to offer advice to workers on how to use e-mail more efficiently. The apparently conflicting advice drives the workers nuts. Cast: Three, all non-gender. Set: You’ll need a desk, chair and something to suggest a computer.
• Performed February 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
.• Performed December 2004 as a classroom assignment at Villanova University, Philadelphia, Pa.
• Produced April 29, 2005 by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
* Produced by West High School, West, Texas, Feb. 16, 2008.

88 KEYS TO THE UNIVERSE
A man is locked away in an insane asylum because he says he’s discovered an alternative universe. The audience is left to wonder if maybe he’s right. Cast: one male. Monologue.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 7, 2011.

ELECTIVES, or STREET SMARTS
The guidance counsellor of a prep school meets with a student. A very sullen, troublesome student. Cast: Two.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 23, 2011.

EMILY CARLTON IS CHARGED WITH MURDER
Police identify a woman on the street and charge her with murder – of a houseplant. Version 1 has a cast of four (1 female, 3 non-gender). Version 2 has a cast of three (1 female, 2 non-gender.)

EMILY’S EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE
A man and a woman are out on a date at a fancy restaurant, and he wonders what all the luggage is that’s stacked up around her. It’s her emotional baggage. Cast: Three — two male, one female. Running time: Two minutes.

EMILY’S TO DO LIST
A woman makes a list of all the people she intends to sleep with in the coming year. Cast: Two women.
• Performed January 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE END IS NEAR
A short play in five acts, meant to be performed at intervals over the course of a walking tour. Cast: Three – one male, one female, one non-gender.

THE END OF PI
A research assistant tends a supercomputer that is calculating pi to one trillion places when suddenly it stops. Has it found the end of the world’s most famous irrational number? The research assistant thinks so — until a colleague points out the printer has simply run out of ink. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.

ENGLISH AS THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE
A family dines in a restaurant. As each orders, police officers enter and drag each one away. Why? Because by ordering “chablis” or “filet mignon” or “bleu cheese dressing” or “macaroni and cheese” they’re violating the law about using English as the official language. Cast: Eight — 1 female, 3 male, 2 non-gender adults, 2 non-gender children.
• Performed August 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

ENGLISH AS THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE (courtroom version)
A lawyer represents his (or her) client, who has been charged with violating the English as the official language law. But the lawyer gets intro trouble when he starts using Latin legal phrases in the courtroom. Cast: Four or five, all non-gender. The fifth, optional, character, has no lines.

ENJOY THE SHOW!
An usher at a theatre encounters a cranky patron, who doesn’t like being greeted by the admonition to “enjoy the show!” Cast: Four non-gender, plus crowd with no lines. Running time: Three minutes.
* Produced by North Hunterdon High School, Annandale, New Jersey, May 14-15, 2021

ENVY
One in a series of confessions by The Seven Deadly Sins. Cast: One, non-gender, but character has to be painted green.

THE EPIC NEWS
The story of Ulysses returning home from the Odyssey, as reported by local television. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, fall 2013.

ERNST BUSCH IN CAPTIVITY
Ernst Busch was the German general who was scheduled to lead the Nazi invasion of England in fall 1940, an invasion that was later cancelled. This script looks at Busch as a prisoner of war in June 1945, looking back regretfully at how he missed his chance to become famous. Cast: One male. Monologue.
Performed November2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

ESCAPE VELOCITY
A female science nerd helps two ne’er-do-well young men launch their bottle rockets, much to he chagrin of one of them. Cast: 5 — 3 female, 2 male. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed November 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

EUPHEMISMS
Three homeless men sit around, reminiscing about one of their friends who has died. The leader speaks in euphemisms, which one of the men takes literally. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Three males.

EVERYONE DIES IN THE END
A somber scene set in the western trenches of World War I, and a soldier who finds a skull in No Man’s Land that reminds him of Yorick from Hamlet. Cast: Three males.

EVE’S APPLESTAND
Eve peddles apples. Rated PG-13. Cast: 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed November 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Staged reading by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va., SVCC Arts Extravaganza, December 2004
• Performed at Mercersburg Academy, Mercersburg, Pennsylvania, January 2006.

EVOLUTION MADE EASY
A fish crawls up onto the beach for the first time and tries to evolve. Meanwhile, a mammal enters, fully formed. He attributes his success to intelligent design. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two, non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 7, 2009.

THE EX
A police officer encounters a strange woman feeling around in the municipal fountain. She turns out to be the Lady of the Lake. Cast: Two – one male, one female.

EXCUSE ME, COACH?
A look at the disparities in college sports. The football team is losing, and the players on the women’s field hockey team fears that means their funding could be cut — so they try to help out the coach. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 22, 2010.

EXOTIC FLAVORS, or The Importance of Spelling
A sign painter makes a small but important spelling error in the sign for a new ice cream store (“erotic flavors” instead of “exotic flavors”), which causes a comic commotion. Cast: Four, non-gender. Running time: 5 minutes.
• Performed April 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE EYES OF GOD
A couple leaves their child in the children’s room of church, in the care of Miss Haversham (who may be played either elderly, middle-aged, or young.) She frightens the child by producing a jar of eyeballs and telling him they are the eyes of God. That’s how she keeps the children quiet. It works. The piece begins brightly and ends dark and spooky. Cast: Four — 1 male, 2 female, 1 child of either gender. Running time: Three minutes.

THE F*** REQUEST
Is he making a friend request? Or some other request? Cast: Two, one male, one female. Running time: Under five minutes

FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE
A woman brings an article of clothing to a tailor to fix a nasty tear. The catch: This is the fabric of the universe. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Three minutes.

FAILED FAIRIES
A dark look at where fairy dust comes from. Cast: Three females.

FAILING THE LORD
The wife of a snake-handling preacher lays dying of snakebite. Her friend sits with her, but rebuffs her pleas to call for a doctor. It’s finally revealed that the preacher intentionally made her handle a poisonous snake because he was suspicious whether she had been faithful to him, and was looking to the Lord to provide a sign. Three versions available. Cast: Three — two female, one male.

THE FAIRIES IN THE TRENCHES
Two English soldiers are hunkered down in the trenches in World War I when one them spots some fairies out in No Man’s Land. Or does he? Taken from a 10-minute script of the same name. Cast: Two males.

THE FAIRY GODFATHER
The ugly stepsisters from Cinderella meet with the fairy godfather, seeking revenge,mobster-style. Cast: Four — one male, three female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 1, 2008.

FAMILY REUNION
An older couple sits peacefully at home one night when there’s a knock on the door — a child they don’t know. As the scene evolves, it became clear this is heaven, and a child who has died in an automobile accident is being welcomed into the afterlife by distant relatives. Both long version and short version available. Short version cast: Three — 1 older female, 1 older male, 1 child of either gender. Longer version cast: Six or more — 1 older female, 1 older male, 1 child of either gender, 1 adult or teen female, 1 adult or teen male, plus others. .

THE FANTASY LEAGUE
A man enters a sports bar and finds it’s not like anyone he’s ever been in. Here, the games show an alternative version of baseball in which the Dodgers never left Brooklyn. Cast: Three males. .

FATHER, I CANNOT TELL A LIE
A modern look at just how extraordinary the young George Washington’s confession about the cherry tree really was. Cast of three — 1 male adult, 1 male child, 1 non-gender adult. Running time: Five minutes
• Staged reading February 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
* Produced by West High School, West, Texas, Feb. 16, 2008.

THE FEAST OF DREAMS
A symbolic piece, in which the narrator welcomes the audience to “the feast of dreams,” in which they will devour the dreams and ambitions of three people — a child, an old man and a man in his prime. Cast: Four, plus a choir of undetermined size. Two male adults, 1 male child, one non-gender adult, plus at least one female in the choir.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 2007.

FEATHERS
Two chickens discuss how they are descended from dinosaurs, and what that means today. Unfortunately, not much. Cast: Two females. Running time: Three minutes.
• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 1, 2012.

FELICIA’S FANTASY COMES TO LIFE
Set in the 22nd century, when a mad scientist has learned how to splice and dice genomes to create strange new species. One disastrous consequence is a failed attempt at a centaur. See also: “The Zoo of the Future” and “The Crime of the Centaur,” two related pieces. Cast: Two — one male, one female.

FIFTY CENT WORDS
A kid has what looks like the classic lemonade stand — except instead of selling words, the kid is selling words, instead. This basic theme is adapted across multiple versions. In one, the kid is a scam artist trying to sell service contracts for words; in another, he or she is bragging about how gullible people are. Cast: Three or four, depending on which version you use. Some are one male, one female, one non-gender child. The four-person versions are one male, two female, one non-gender child. Running time: Five minutes.
* Performed at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., September 2006.

THE FILM NOIR MACBETH
A short version of Macbeth, detective style. Cast: 4 — 1 adult male, 1 adult female, 1 juvenile male, 1 juvenile female.
• Performed October 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,
Roanoke, Va.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
* Produced by West High School, West, Texas, Feb. 16, 2008.

FILTH, PERVERSIONS AND OTHER WORKS OF GREAT LITERATURE
A parent complains to an educator about the assigned reading in class because it features sex and violence. The reading is from Shakespeare. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., November 2006.

THE FIRST CAVEMAN ARTIST SUFFERS FOR HIS ART
The elders of a caveman tribe dispense justice. One of those brought before them is a caveman accused of drawing a picture on the cave wall — the first cave art. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Eight males — seven adults, one juvenile. Optional female character with no lines (and no teeth).
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 2007.

THE FIRST OIL WAR OF THE 24TH CENTURY
A man talks about the discovery of liquid hydrocarbons on Titan, the largest moon of Saturn, and warns it someday could lead to an oil war in outer space.Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.

Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Virginia, date unknown.

THE FIRST SWALLOW OF SPRING
An adults-only piece about baseball, and spitting. Or maybe it’s about something else. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Two minutes.

FIRSTS
A couple getting ready to move in together discuss their firsts. Except she thinks they’re talking about their first sexual experiences; he’s talking about their first pets. Confusion abounds. Cast: Two – one male, one female.

FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATES
A series of men bring a woman gifts — flowers, chocolate, slinky underthings. She rejects them all. There’s one present she wants — a man’s heart. She finally gets it, literally. Cast: Six — one woman, five men.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 22, 2008.
• Staged reading at Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 11,, 2008.

THE FLUTTER OF ANGEL WINGS
A death scene. Two Civil War soldiers are dying on the battlefield. One sees bright light and angels; the other sees smoke, fire and the eyes of Satan. Cast: Two males.

FORKLIFT
A humorous look at campaign “spin” of the media. A candidate, on a photo op volunteering in a food bank, drives a forklift into a pallet of boxes, knocking them over on some orphans. Cast: Three.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., October 5, 2012.

40 POUNDS OF DUST
An old woman stops takes the phrase “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” literally and stops dusting her house because she’s afraid to disturb the dead. Comes in both monologue and a scene. Cast: Either one or two. If two — 1 female, 1 non-gender. Running time: Two minutes.
• Performed March 24, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE FOUR-LEAF CLOVER
A script about miscommunication. A young couple is picnicking, when she finds a four-leaf clover. She’s romantic; he’s literal. He calls it a mutant, and their relationship deteriorates. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed May 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

FOUR-LETTER WORDS
A comedian is under instructions from a nightclub manager not to use any four-letter words. To enforce the ban, someone with a water gun is stationed on stage to squirt the comedian whenever he violates the rule. Problem is, the rule doesn’t say which four-letter words — so every time the comedian uses a word of four letters, he gets squirted. Note: No “bad” words ever get used, but the comedian gets squirted a lot even for the good ones. Cast: Two or three, all non-gender, but best played as males. Also comes in monologue form. Running time: Five minutes
• Performed August 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

FREE POPCORN
As with many things, there’s a catch. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
* Produced July 2022, Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Houston, Texas.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
A man applies for unemployment benefits. Only not those kind of benefits. Both a monologue version and a scene version. Cast: Monologue is one male; scene is one male, one female.

THE FUTON OF DEATH
A customer in a furniture store comes across a most unusual item for sale. Cast: Two males, one female. Running time: Three minutes.

GAME DAY DECISIONS
Three guys watch a football game on TV — either from a bar or at someone’s home — and argue over how to decide who to root for. One of the guys has a complex formula that includes whether the franchise has moved, its longitude and latitude, and other arcane factors. There are three versions of this script. Cast: Three men or three men, one woman. The third version also adds a fourth woman. Running time: Five minutes.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

THE GAME’S THE THING
A man tries to watch sports on television; his wife desperately wants his attention for romance. Cast: Two: One male, one female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, April 1, 2011.

GENES AND MEAT
Inspired by the case of Marius the giraffe, a healthy giraffe who was put down by the Copenhagen Zoo and fed to the lions. Cast: Four.

THE GENIE IN THE LAMP
A woman shopping for lamps encounters a genie. Except he’s not in a lamp. And is he really a genie? Cast: Three: Two male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 20, 2009.

GERBILS AND MICROWAVES DON’T MIX
A young boy comes in to tell his mother about how the gerbil has fallen into the aquarium. She’s on the phone and isn’t paying much attention to him. She tells him to dry the thing off — so he does. In the microwave. Cast: Two — one female, one child, preferably male. Running time: Three minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va. October 2005.
* Staged reading at Fincastle Opry and Hoe-Down, Fincastle, Va., Nov.4, 2006.
* Staged reading at Attic Productions New Years Eve Party, Fincastle, Va., Dec. 31, 2006.
* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

GERBILS AND MICROWAVES DON’T MIX (monologue)
A young boy gives a science report on gerbils, which didn’t go well, because his gerbil fell into the aquarium — so to dry it off, the boy put the poor creature in the microwave. Cast: One child, preferably male. Running time: Two minutes.

A GHOST STORYA woman tells her friend she thinks her house is haunted. The kicker: They’re the ones who are the ghosts. Cast: Two females.

THE GHOST TRAIN OF TANNERSVILLE BRIDGEA ghost story about why a railroad bridge is still haunted. Cast: Three male, two female, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

GIDEON
An adulterous couple in a hotel room. The woman has gone into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable, when the man discovers a Bible in the drawer and starts reading it. The affair goes downhill from there. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Three minutes.

GINGER SLEEPS ALONE AGAIN
A woman spooks the man she has brought home when he learns she has a boa constrictor for a pet, and it’s slipped out of its cage. Note: The male version of this is “Jeremy Sleeps Alone Again.” Same thing, characters reversed Cast of two: 1 male, 1 female.

THE GIRL WHO DIDN’T JUMP OUT OF THE CAKE
A dark, disturbing modern twist on Hansel and Gretel. Cast: Three — one male, two female.

THE GLORIOUS VICTORY
A look at office politics, and the joy of crushing one’s rival. Cast: One narrator, non-gender, with a crowd scene. Running time: Two minutes.

GO CATCH A MOUSE
A monologue about . . . .cats. Or sex. Or both. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 13, 2009..

THE GOAT WHO WANTED TO BE A UNICORN
A goat wants to be a unicorn, so it proposes to saw off one of its horns. A passerby — a man at a bar in one version, a fairy in another — intervenes and tells him that’s not such a good idea. Cast: Two or three males, depending on which version you use.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., August 24, 2007.
* Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 27, 2007.

THE GOD OF BROOKLYN
When the Brooklyn Dodgers moved to Los Angeles after the 1957 season, a young boy’s heart was broken. He vowed to God that he’d never root for baseball until his team is back now. All these years later, he’ll still keeping up his end of the bargain. Or is he? Cast: Two  males, one old enough to have been born in the 1940s, the other a pre-teen.
* A slightly different version of this performed July 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,  Roanoke, Va.

GOD AND THE DEVIL DEBATE THE ISSUES
A presidential-style debate, featuring God and the Devil taking questions from a studio audience. When an atheist in the audience disputes the existence of both God and the Devil, things take an unexpected turn. Cast: Seven — three males, four non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Sept. 26, 2008.

GOD AND THE DEVIL MEET BY CHANCE ON A SUNDAY MORNING
The devil is nursing a hangover one Sunday morning in a coffee shop when who should walk in by God Himself. The two discuss a recent survey that found a lot more people believe in God than believe in the devil. Ultimately, they agree that has implications for the Lord, too. Cast: Three — 2 male, 1 female. <

GOD AND THE DEVIL MEET FOR A BUSINESS LUNCH
God and the devil meet in an out-of-the-way lunch spot to discuss a business proposition: The devil thinks the Almighty should reimburse him for punishing the wicked. Comes in two versions, one 5 minutes, one 10 minutes. Cast: Three — 2 males, 1 female.
* Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., August 2004 and October 2004.
* Ten-minute version produced as video performance by Homespun Productions, Sacramento, Calif., broadcast on public access TV, October 2005.
* Classroom presentation, Averett College, Danville, Va., Dec. 3, 2007
* Staged reading by Lake Players, Smith Mountain Lake, Va., April 2014.
* Radio play by Viking Radio Theatre, Western Washington University, Bellingham, Washington, February 2014
* Produced by Jeonju Players, Jeonju, South Korea, December 2014

GOD AND THE DEVIL SETTLE A CONTRACT DISPUTE
God and the devil haggle over the fate of a man’s soul. It seems there’s been a mix-up – both God and the devil have him on their list. How to settle the dispute? Cast: Three males. Running time: Three minutes.Staged reading at Liminal alternative artspace, Roanoke, Va., April 16, 2013.

GOD AND THE DEVIL TAKE TO THE AIRWAVES
Here’s what television or radio spots by God and the devil might sound like. Of course, equal rule requires one by Zeus. Cast: Seven — 2 female, 4 male, 1 non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.GOD AND THE DEVIL AND VAMPIRES
The devil appeals to God to do something about vampires. Cast: Three males, two females.

GOD GOES TO HELL
God goes to visit the devil in hell. The devil is overwhelmed by paperwork — the devil’s in the details, you know — and doesn’t welcome his visitor. But a playful God makes sport of the cranky Satan. Cast: Two males.

GOD IS A MIDDLE MANAGER
We know him as the Supreme Being, but what if God was really just a middle manager for an even greater deity? A look at how God might have had to deal with His own boss during the first six days. Cast: Three or four — 2 male, 1 non-gender with 1 non-gender optional character. Note that one of the males has no lines. The script is basically God and an off-stage voice. The rest can be fudged.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., March 23, 2006.

GOING TO SEE MR. O’MALLEY
Spring 1959, and a young boy distraught by the Brooklyn Dodgers’ move to Los Angeles is thumbing across country to California. He wants to meet the owner of the Dodgers and plead for the team’s return. Cast: Two males — one adult, one juvenile.

GOLDFISH RULES
A child attempts to instill discipline in his goldfish by devising a system of rewards and punishments. This baffles a visiting relative, and ends with one of the fish in the toilet. Cast: Three — 1 non-gender adult, 1 non-gender child, 1 female, either adult or child.
* Staged reading at Fincastle Opry and Hoe-Down, Fincastle, Va., Nov.4, 2006.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., November 2006.* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.GOLF LESSONS
A look at gender discrimination in sports. Cast: Three males, one girl.

GOOD IDEA IF IT WORKS
Two men decide the perfect time to rob is a bank is when the President of the United States is in town, because all the police will be busy. The plan works, until they drive their getaway car into the motorcade. Cast: Two men.
   Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va, September 2004.

A GOOD LISTENER
A man and a woman meet at a speed-dating event. She claims to be a good listener, but quickly shows she’s not. Cast: Two — one male, one female.

GOOD TIME CHARLIE
Charlie shows his date a good time. That’s all. He shows her where all the fun spots are, but doesn’t go. Cast: Two – one male, one female.

GRADUATION SPEECH, TRANSLATED
A college president delivers a graduation speech, full of the usual cliches; which are then translated. Cast: Two, non-gender.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 15, 2012.

THE GRAMMAR POLICE
A waiter is dead in a restaurant, shot down by one of his customers — a panda. The Grammar Police investigate and find the reason is a misplaced common. The panda misread his diet as instructions: ‘Eats, shoots and leaves.” So he did. Cast: Five or six. Ultimately all can be non-gender, but they are envisioned as 4 male, 1 female with the optional sixth character being a non-gender voice off-stage.
Staged reading at Attic Productions New Years Eve Party, Fincastle, Va., Dec. 31, 2006.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 5, 2007.
Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

THE GREAT ESCAPE
A rock star from the ‘60s or ‘70s faked his death so well that people believe it. Years later, his parents are still trying to cover up for him. See also: “About the Size of a Teaspoon.” Cast: Three — two male, one female.

THE GREAT PHILOSOPHER CHICKEN
Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken is tired of answering the question. An encounter at the bar with a stranger. Cast: Two – both non-gender.

THE GREATEST CHEF OF ALL TIMEA chef explains how he became fascinated by cooking because it was a way to turn dead flesh into something to give life to others — and how he wanted to sample every form of flesh on earth. Even human. There are two basic versions of this script. One is a monologue; another has lines spoken only by the chef but includes a woman with no lines at the end. Cast: One male, except in the version that requires a woman with no lines.

GREEN THUMB
An old man talks to the plants in his garden — by threatening them.  Similiar to “Talking Dirty to Cucumbers” and “The Lawn Boy.” Cast: Three. Two senior males, one senior female.

THE GROCERY STORE DATING GAME (male and female versions)
In the female version, a young woman has just broken up with her boyfriend. To cheer her up, her friend staging a version of “The Dating Game” using grocery store products with male images, such as Mr. Clean. In the male version, same thing, just reversed, with female images. Cast: Two females, or two males. Running time: Three minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 6, 2012.

THE GROUNDSKEEPER
The keeper of a blasted heath in Scotland gives three prospective buyers a tour. Cast: One.
Produced by Rough Magic Shakespeare Company, Florida, April 23, 2021

GROWN ATTACHED
A young boy got his head stuck between the railings of an old house. Now he’s a teenager, and he’s still stuck there — and his parents are moving out. Sad and funny at the same time. Cast: Two — one adult female, one juvenile male.
Produced by KDC Theatre, London, June 2017.

THE GRUESOME AND TRAGIC DEATH OF CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER, AFRICAN EXPLORER
A dark piece why lies are dangerous. The men in a 19th century British expedition into the African jungle stage a mutiny against their captain, and hit upon an ingenious way to keep their stories straight. They have him squeezed to death by a boa constrictor. That way they can say none of them lifted a hand against him. Cast: Four males. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 18, 2009.

GUARANTEED FIGHT NIGHT
A father takes his son to a hockey game because the local team is promoting “guaranteed fight night” — but the son seems more interested in the sport than the fighting. Cast: Four — three adult males, one male child. <
Performed April, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

GUARDIAN ANGELS COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES
A man is about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge when he hears a voice — a kid sitting high above him on a railing. It’s his guardian angel. An enlightening conversation ensues, and the man’s suicide attempt fails. Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile, non-gender.
Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., November 17, 2006.

THE GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR, or, THEY PAY TEACHERS LIKE CRAP IN THIS STATE
A high school guidance counsellor snaps and advises one not-so-bright female student to seek employment in a strip club. The club manager is so appreciative, he shows up and offers the guidance counsellor a bribe to continue recommending girls seek employment at his establishment. Cast: Four or five, depending on which ending you use. If four — 3 female, 1 male. If five — 4 female, 1 male.
June 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE HALLOWEEN PARTY
Two women talk on the phone the day after the Halloween party. One of them had gone home with a guy in the devil costume. Turns out, he really was the devil. Rated R for sexual content. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.
 Performed October 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va<

HAMLET, THE PREQUEL
The jester Yorick jokes around with the young Hamlet, giving the child a ride on his back. The scene foreshadows what’s to come; Yorick’s skull gets whacked, and Hamlet digs in the sandbox. Cast: Three, two male, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va ., September 2004.

THE HAND OF THE LORD
When a meteorite crashes into a motel, killing two people, a minister sees that as a sign that the Lord has cast the first stone — and tells his congregation that the Lord wants them to take up arms against sinners. A dark scene about how to interpret what God really wants. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

THE HARD WORK OF THE BLUES
A kid shows up for his, or her, first guitar lesson and finds the teacher drinking. The teacher explains that first the kid must learn blues and the blues comes from years of hard luck and hard living. Dark comedy ensues. Related to “A Short History of the Blues,” “A Short History of Country Music,” and “The Old Masters,” which contain same basic theme but with different endings. Cast of two — one male  adult, one non-gender child. Running time: Three minutes.
• Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va ., October 2006.<

THE HARVEST OF BONES
>A monologue on the fields in Belgium near Ypres where each year as many as 60 remains are recovered from World War I. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 7, 2008.

THE HARVEST QUEEN
A mother describes the decision she faced on whether to allow her daughter’s organs to be transplanted. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

HAVING A HEART ISN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE
What happens after the Scarecrow gets his brain, the Tin Man gets his heart, and the Cowardly Lion gets his courage. Things don’t turn out the way everyone hoped. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Three males.

HE NEVER BARBECUES
Whenever there’s a terrible crime, it seems the perp always has the same profile — quiet, loner, kept to himself. So the solution is to criminalize introverts. In this scene, a good cop-bad cop duo interrogate a man accused of being an introvert. Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va ., June 2007.

THE HELICOPTER PARENTS (classroom version)
A college student is sleeping through class, so his mother attends for him, much to the displeasure of the professor. Cast: Five — three male, two female. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va ., fall 2007.

THE HELICOPTER PARENTS (dorm version)
A student comes in with a date on his arm — only to find his parents in the dorm. His mother is cleaning and his father is doing his homework for him. Comedy ensues. Cast: Four, two male, two female. Running time: Five minutes.

A HIGHER OCTAVE
A couple sits in the audience while a singer silently mouths the words on stage — and claims he’s singing in an octave beyond human hearing. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

THE HIGHWAY WORKER
A bawdy tale about what happened the day a truck full of sex toys wrecked and spilled its load in front of a church on Sunday morning. Told from the highway worker’s point of view. See also “The Things They Don’t Train You For at the Academy” and “Moving Violation,” which tell the same story from the point of view of the highway patrolman and the trucker. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

 THE HIP-HOP HAMLET
A teacher is attempting to lecture about how Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter when a student keeps asking whether that’s like hip-hop. The teacher isn’t amused, but then the student jumps up, and delivers a hip-hop version of “Hamlet.” Cast: Five — all non-gender, but the rapper is best played as male, since he assumes Hamlet’s character. Running time: Five minutes.
 • Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., October 2006.
Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. July 14, 2007.
* Produced in “Broadway on Thin Ice” by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 7, 2010.<

HIS BROTHER’S KEEPER (werewolf version)
A rural family confronts a problem — one of their kin has become a werewolf. The man’s brother tries to cover up for him, with deadly results. A dark scene about moral obligations. Cast: Three — 2 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

HIS BROTHER’S KEEPER (vampire version)
A rural family confronts a problem — one of their kin has become a vampire. The man’s brother tries to cover up for him, with deadly results. A dark scene about moral obligations. Cast: Three — 2 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

THE HISTORY PROJECT
A middle school or high school boy stages a coup of the school as his history project. Cast of two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

HITLER WAS A VEGETARIAN
A scene about male-female communication. The woman announces she’s thinking of becoming a vegetarian. The man points out that Hitler was a vegetarian. Things go downhill from there. All in less than two pages. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Two minutes

THE HOME FOR RETIRED MONSTERS
The monster under the bed is now living in retirement, but the kid he used to scare has tracked him down — and isn’t very happy. Cast: Three — 2 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

THE HOME RUN QUEEN
A college baseball recruiter and a high school coach talk about a prospect, completely missing the star softball player doing what the boys could not. Cast: Two males.

HOME SCHOOLED
A father teaches his son how to steal cars. A comic scene. Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 8, 2007.<

HOMICIDE, OZ
The police investigate the death of the Wicked Witch of the West. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast of 8 — 2 female, 5 male, 1 non-gender.

HONOR KILLING
In some cultures, when a family member commits a moral crime, the whole family is considered dishonored — unless the family takes the lead in killing the violator. This is known as an “honor killing.” An American soldier reflects on how his unit stumbled upon such an “honor killing” in progress. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 2007.

THE HORNET’S NEST
A boy throws a rock through a hornet’s nest and gets sent to the principal’s office. The principal doesn’t see a problem; he sees a potential pitcher. Cast: Two — one adult male, one male who can pass for age 10.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, April 15, 2011.

HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR
Dorothy sees the horse of a different color — at the Oz racetrack. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Three females, one male.

HORSE FUTURES
A man takes his son to the betting parlor. In version one, the son is wide-eyed and adoring of his father — because the son thinks this is a bank and his father is a financier. In version two, the son is more cynical and realistic, and it’s the father who’s trying to explain away the betting parlor as a financial institution. Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile male. Running time: Three minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 2007.

HOW THE CHRISTMAS STAR BECAME THE CHRISTMAS STAR
A parade of stars apply to be the Christmas star. Cast: 17, all gender-flexible.

THE HOUSE SITTER FROM HELL
Emily asks Molly to house-sit for her while she’s away. Bad things happen. Very bad. Cast: Two females.

THE HUNTING ACCIDENT
A dark monologue in which a man explains how he caught his friend having an affair with his wife. He bides his time and waits for hunting season, then shoots his friend and makes it look like a hunting accident. Four different endings available. Cast: one male.

HUNTING MYTHICAL BEASTS
Diana, the goddess of the hunt, now hosts a Sunday morning outdoors television program on “hunting mythical beasts.” Her guest this week is a hunter who has switched from hunting big game to tracking mythical beasts. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., August 17, 2007.

I CAN’T SAY
A student is held in detention at school, but isn’t told why. In the first version, his students are summoned to the school, but the school refuses to tell them why. In the second version, the student is shown in detention, with the principal. Any resemblance between the situation in this script and certain foreign citizens held without trial by the United States is purely intentional. Cast: Version 1: Three — two male, one female; Version 2 — one male, one juvenile, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 23, 2008.<

I EAT MY OWN MOONS
A dark word-poem about how Saturn got its rings. Cast: One male. Running time: Three minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., August 14, 2009.

Produced by Emerson Arts, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, October 2021.

IF GALILEO HAD DROPPED TELEVISION SETS OUT OF HOTEL WINDOWS INSTEAD OF CANNONBALLS OFF THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA, JUST THINK HOW THE WORLD WOULD BE DIFFERENT TODAY
The famous Italian scientist drops television sets out of a hotel window instead of cannonballs off the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He gets arrested, and the whole history of the world is changed. Sort of. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

IF PIGS HAD WINGS (long version)
If pigs had wings, Orville and Wilbur Wright might have become famous for their barbecue recipes. The power grid might be threatened by pigs sitting on power lines. And even nursery rhymes would have to change. Cast: Four to ten — two male, two to eight non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.

IF PIGS HAD WINGS (short version)
If pigs had wings, Orville and Wilbur Wright might have become famous for their barbecue recipes. Cast: Three to seven — two male, one to five non-gender. Running time: Two minutes.

THE INFINITE GAME
A father tries to persuade his sci-fi loving son to attend a baseball game, by describing it in scientific terms. Cast: Two: One male, one male child. Running time: Three minutes.

AN INFINITE NUMBER OF MONKEYS
A mad scientist attempts to test the saying that, given enough time, an infinite number of monkeys typing on a infinite number of typewriters could produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Cast: Four — 1 male, 3 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 11, 2008.

 
THE INJURY
A baseball manager finds out his star player has been injured in a most unusual way. Cast: Three – two male, one non-gender.

INK-STAINED WRETCH
A newspaper publisher tries to find a way to attract younger readers. Young people like tattoos, right? And tattoos are made of ink, right? And what do newspapers buy by the truckload? Makes sense to him. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

THE INVENTION OF THE WHEEL
A caveman invents the wheel, and cavewomen swoon – until they see a caveman on a bicycle. This has no words, only action. It’s meant to be done as a short film, but could be staged with the right props. Cast: At least six males, at least four females.

INVESTIGATING JACK AND JILL
A workplace safety inspector investigates the case of Jack and Jill. Just why were they going up that hill, anyway? Cast: Four — two male, two female. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., spring 2009.

• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.
• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., July 2009.
• Staged reading at salon reading at WVTF-FM (but not broadcast), Roanoke, Va., May 3, 2013. 

THE IRRATIONALS
The early Greeks believed numbers were finite — and then they discovered pi, the first irrational number. Their response was to ban it. This scene mimics that discovery — but can be set in the modern-day, and stands as a metaphor for ethical quandaries of all types. Cast: Four, all non-gender. Running time: Two minutes.

IS VANILLA A FLAVOR?
A presidential debate goes weird when the moderator starts asking real “kitchen table” questions, such as: Is vanilla a flavor? Cast: Three — 2 male, 1 non-gender. Running time: 1 minute.

IT’S HELL TO WATCH FROM HEAVEN
Two men in heaven look down at their grandsons playing baseball — on opposite teams. Each wants to help. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

JACK, JIM AND GEORGE
A man seeks solace in the bottle. Cast: Four males. Running time: Two minutes.

JEREMY LEARNS ANOTHER LESSON THE EASY WAY
A teen-ager shows no remorse for a dangerous prank on a school field trip, and his mom is an enabler who makes excuses for him. A dark comedy. Two variations of same script: “Of Course, Galileo Got in Trouble for Other Things” and “Once Again, Isaac Newton Gets Blamed for Gravity.” Also related to: “But I’m Not Sorry; It Was Fun, Actually.” Cast: Three – 1 male, 1 female, 1 teen-age male. Running time: Five minutes.

JEREMY’S SLEEPING
A mother distraught at the death of her teen-age son finds a way to cope — by pretending he’s still alive, and merely sleeping. There are four versions of this script, some merely sad, some outright gruesome. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

JESUS AS A BOY
Joseph works in his carpenter’s shop with a helper, when the young Jesus enters and performs several juvenile miracles. Cast: Three males — two adults, one juvenile. Running time: Three minutes.

JESUS OF OTHER WORLDS
If there is intelligent life on other planets, does that mean they believe in God? And does that mean Jesus has been born again there — and crucified, as well? The answer in this piece is yes. We hear Jesus on the cross tell what has happened on those other worlds? Cast: One or two males.* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., March 26, 2010.

JIMMY’S ACTING ALL WEIRD AGAIN
A boy builds a scale model for history class — of a guillotine. This freaks out his sister. Especially when he tries it out on one of her dolls. Cast: Three — one adult female, one juvenile male, one juvenile female. Running time: Three minutes.

 JOB INTERVIEW TECHNIQUES FOR THE BEGINNER
How honest should you be in a job interview? This looks at two job candidates — one with a long list of impressive credentials, the other a roughneck with a troubled past. With the help of the narrator, the latter aces the interview while the former bombs. Comes in two versions — one in which the roughneck is male, another in which she’s female. Cast: Five, all non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 2005.

• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

    JOE’S WOMEN TROUBLE
The Joseph and Mary story in a modern setting. What does Joseph do when  he finds out his girlfriend is pregnant, and it’s not his child? Cast: Three Two male, one female. Running time: Three minutes.
Staged reading at Guerrilla Playhouse, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 11, 2011.

JOHANNA’S AUDITION MONOLOGUE
An monologue for a woman about her upcoming audition. Cast: One female.

JOHNNY WEATHERINGTON’S SECOND COMEBACK TOUR
A washed-up country music star meets with his manager to map his “comeback” tour — and learns just how far he’s fallen. He’s been booked to play a truck stop in Nebraska. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

JOY TO OTHER WORLDS
A man’s Christmas tree lights are so bright that they attract the attention of an alien species, which thinks it’s a coded transmission. Comedy ensues. Cast: Four: Two male, one female, one non-gender.
Staged reading at Guerrilla Playhouse, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 11, 2011.
Staged reading at Attic Productions winter meeting, Fincastle, Va., Dec. 15, 2013
JOY TO THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD
A man’s attempt to synchronize his Christmas lights to music ends in humiliation. Rated R. Cast: Three — one adult male, one adult female, one teenage girl. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Dec. 10, 2010.

JUDGE ZEUS
A judge is about to sentence a defendant on an arson charge, but instead of following the state law, he reaches back to the precedent of the punishment Zeus gave Prometheus — to be chained to a rock and have his liver pecked out by an eagle. Cast: Four — two male, two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., September 29, 2007.

 THE JUICE
A cautionary — and comic — tale about steroids in baseball. A youth league player asks his mom for some. Cast: Three — one adult male, one juvenile male, one adult female. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke,  Roanoke, Va., April 10, 2009.Performed July 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
A modified version was performed December 2004 at Hibiscus Retirement Resort, Nambour, Queensland, Australia.

KELSEY’S WORST DATING EXPERIENCE EVER
A Thanksgiving piece (although it can be modified to be non-specific.) A vegetarian college student is invited to her boyfriend’s farm for Thanksgiving to meet his parents. The highlight of the holiday: The family’s tradition of hog-butchering. Cast: Four — 3 male, 1 female. One male can be pre-teen. Running time: 5 minutes
Performed November 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,Roanoke, Va.

THE KICKING TRY-OUTS
A coach tries out placekickers for his high school team and finds a surprising winner. Cast: Two males.

THE KID, A SLIGHTLY MISREMEMBERED TALE OF LYIN’, CHEATIN’ AND DRINKIN’  FROM THE OLD WEST
A kid walks into an Old West saloon and performs a card trick that fleeces everyone of their money. More or less. Cast: Five — three adult males, one juvenile male, one adult female. Running time: Five minutes.

KIDS FLY FREE
A comic look at cut-rate airlines, and the corners they cut. Cast: Seven — two male, one female, four non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 20, 2009.

• Staged reading at Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 10, 2009.

KIDS SAY THE DAMNEDEST THINGS
A child’s misspelled his (or her) letter to Santa and it wound up with Satan instead. Now the devil himself has come down the chimney to bargain for the kid’s soul. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one adult male and one non-gender child. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., December 2008.

KILL THEM ALL
A dark piece about corporate layoffs. Cast: Three – two male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 8, 2009.

THE KILLER ASTEROID (married couple version)
A man (or woman) wakes up his wife (or husband) in the middle of the night. He (or she) thought he heard on TV that a killer asteroid is headed straight for earth, so it seems time to confess a long litany of adulterous sins. Except the man (or woman) heard wrong. Comedy ensues. Comes in alternate versions with the man and woman in reversed roles. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
Performed April 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE KILLER ASTEROID (professors version)
Three astronomers are working when one of them announces he’s discovered a killer asteroid headed straight for earth and all are doomed. He figures in the time remaining he should come clean about a long litany of wrongs he has committed against the department chairman, from plagiarizing his work to cheating with his wife. Except his math is wrong, which a third astronomer ultimately points out. Oops. Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.

KISSED ON THE 45TH FLOOR BALCONY
Was it consensual? Seven versions of what might have happened. A modern morality tale. Cast: Three – one male, one female, one non-gender.

THE KNIGHT IN DISTRESS
A role reversal. A hapless knight seeks help from a damsel in the woods. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 1, 2010.

 

KNOW SHIT, or Alien Anthropologists Determine the Secret To the Third Planet.              

 A look at all the different meanings and uses of the “s” word. Cast: Three males. Running time. Five minutes. (Longer version available, with five males.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., April 9, 2010.

KRISTI WITH A K
A minister exhorts his congregation against the evils of “new-fangled, unnatural” spellings of names — such as Kristi with a K. A stand-alone scene taken from the one-act “Naming Conventions.” Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

LADY GODIVA WAS A REPUBLICAN
Two peeping toms peer out as Lady Godiva makes her famous ride, but while one wants to leer, the other talks about how she must be a Republican because she’s against taxes. Cast: Three men. (You don’t need to show Lady Godiva.)
Performed February 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

LADY MACBETH’S LAMENT
The ghost of Lady Macbeth laments that Shakespeare never gave her a name. Cast: One female. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Feb. 26, 2010.

* Staged readng at Liminal Artspace, Roanoke, Virginia, 2013

* Produced byBack Porch Theater, Houston, Texas, May 2020
* Produced by Rough Magic Shakespeare Company, Daytona Beach, Florida, April 23, 2021

THE LAMENT OF POLYXENA
Based on a story from the Trojan War. Polyxena, a princess of Troy, was sacrificed after the war on the tomb of the Greek hero Achilles, to be his bride beyond the grave. This dark scene envisions the conversation the night before that sacrifice between Polyxena and Eris, the goddess of discord. Cast: Three — two female, one male. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at Liminal alternative artspace, Roanoke, Va, May 14, 2013.

LARRY’S LATEST PLAN TO GET OUT OF DOING YARDWORK, version 1
It’s spring, time to start mowing the yard, and Larry has cooked up a plan to get out of the chore. He’s bought some canaries, and plans to paint them to look like a rare species, which he’ll then release — in hopes the government will declare his backyard a protected habitat. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

LARRY’S LATEST PLAN TO AVOID YARDWORK, version 2
A man decides to get out of the chore of mowing his yard by buying a herd of goats for the front yard. His wife confronts him and comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.

THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL
A teacher tries to outsmart the seniors who always pull a prank on the last day of school, only to get outsmarted himself in a way he didn’t expect. A tender tale. Cast: Three — one older adult male, one young adult female, one student of either gender.

• Produced as a radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle Pacific University, Seattle, Washington, April 23, 2013.

THE LAST DAYS OF MARS
Mars is running out of water. A roughneck laborer who’s been out drilling wells complains that there’s a government cover-up of just how bad the problem is. Similiar to “A Martian Western.” Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.
Performed at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre Roanoke, Va., April 2004.

 

THE LAST DREAMS OF ERNST BUSCH
Ernst Busch was the Nazi general who was scheduled to lead the German invasion of England in 1940, an invasion that was later cancelled. This scene envisions his regret at never having a chance to make history. Can be done as a straight scene, or with a film component. Cast: Four to twelve — 1 female, 3 male, with 8 optional males. Running time: Six minutes.

 

     THE LAST MAN ON THE MOON BLUES (five-minute version.)

     A play about miscommunication. Joe takes his date, Melanie, a science

     nerd, to the local lover’s lane. She wants to talk about the moon, but he

     misunderstands all her references and thinks she’s talking about sex. No

     bad words, but rated PG-13 for sexual themes. Cast: Two, with option for a

     third character. The main two are one male, one female. Optional third

     character, with only a few lines, is male. Running time: Five minutes

• Staged reading October 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
•   Performed fall 2004 by Bonanza High School, Las Vegas, Nevada.

 

 THE LAST UNDECIDED VOTER

The candidates appear at his doorstep. Cast: Five – one male, one female, three non-gender.

 

   THE LAWN BOY
An old man talks to the plants in his garden — by threatening some, and talking erotically to others And sometimes maybe the lawn boy, as well.. Similiar to “Green Thumb” and “Talking Dirty to Cucumber.s” Cast: Three: Two senior females, one 20something male.

 LEARNING TO LIE
A father instructs his son on how to tell a lie and get away with it. Dark comedy. Cast: Two males — one adult, one juvenile. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 12, 2008.

 

      LEMMINGS

     Three lemmings on the coast of Norway discuss whether to jump off the cliff.

      Running time: Five minutes. Cast: Three females.  Running time: Five minutes.

      • Performed January 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

• Staged reading by No Shame Theatre at Picolo Spoleto arts festival, Charleston, S.C., June 2004.
• Staged reading by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va., SVCC Arts Extravaganza, December 2004
• Produced by Lloyd C. Bird High School, Chester, Va., February 2005.
• Published summer 2005 by Norman Maine/Big Dog Publishing as part of the collection “Animal Instinct.”

* Produced by Farmington High School, Farmington, New Mexico, March 2009.

 

 

 THE LEMONADE STAND
A kid puts up a traditional lemonade stand, but gets hassled by a government official. Darkly comic. Two different versions available. Cast: Three or four, depending on the version you choose. Version 1 is three adult males, one non-gender child. Version 2 is two adult males, one non-gender child. Running time: Three to five minutes.

 

 

     LEPRECHAUNS ARE TRICKY THAT WAY
Two kids walk into a bar dressed as leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day and pass themselves off as the real thing. Cast: Four males — two adults, two juveniles. Running time: Five minutes.

 

LET’S TEACH CHILDREN TO LAUGH AT OTHER’S MISFORTUNES (aka Humpty Investigation)
The Humpty Dumpty story, as a police investigation. And this is how nursery rhymes came to be. Cast: Eight — 2 male, 6 non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.

 

THE LIBERAL ARTS PIRATES
A student meets with the career counsellor and announces he (or she) wants to be a pirate. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two, both non-gender. Running time: Two to three minutes.

• Staged reading February 2007 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va
• Staged reading March 30, 2007 as part of the Best of No Shame Theatre at  No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Halifax, UK, June 16, 2012.
• * Produced by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle Pacific University, February 7, 2013.

 

LIFE LESSONS
A father instructs his son on the real lessons of life — in a bar. Cast: Two: Adult male, juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

LIFE, LIBERTY AND PROPERTY
In a fancy subdivision, one residents erects a flagpole. His neighbor comes over to admire it, then proceeds to issue a citation for violating the property owners’ agreement. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., July 3, 2009.

 

      LIFE WITHOUT REAGAN

      Imagine that Ronald Reagan lost to Jimmy Carter in 1980. Cast: Two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

       • Performed June 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

LINDSAY WITH AN “A” OR LINDSEY WITH AN “E”?
Two people who share the same name, but with different spellings, argue over is correct: Lindsay or Lindsey? A strange little spat with a surprise ending. Cast: Three — two females, 1 non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.

 

      LISA’S NEW JOB

      A wife comes home with a box full of sex toys and tells her husband  

      she’s just taken a job in research and development for a novelty

      company. He’s oblivious. Rated R for sexual content. Cast: One female, one   

      male. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed February 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

LITERARY FUN PACK
A man sees a TV ad for a “literary fun pack” that will turn him into a writer. It comes complete with a muse. But not the kind he was expecting. Cast: Seven — two male,  three female, two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

A LITTLE NUDGE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
A man upset about the neighbor’s cats finds a solution; he suggests to a troublesome neighborhood boy that for a science project he kidnap the creatures and drop them from a great height to see if they always land on their feet. The kid thinks that’s a great idea. And that’s where this script begins. A dark comedy. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one male child. Running time: Five minutes.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 25, 2007.

 

THE LITTLE RED HEN THINKS BIG (five-minute version)The Little Red Hen as a commodities broker. Several variations of this piece, with different cast sizes. Cast: Three (one female, one male, one non-gender) or four (one female, two male, one non-gender.) There’s also a one-minute version.

• Produced at #Next Gen, Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, New York, June 2015.

 

THE LONGEST HOME RUN EVER

Based on actual science, the explanation of the longest home run possible. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 10, 2013.
• Staged reading at Liminal gallery, Roanoke, Va., May 20, 2014.

THE LOT LIZARD

A truckstop prostitute tells how she fell into that line of work. This comes in four versions — one involves an encounter with a truckstop waitress, one involves an encounter with several truckstop waitress, one involves an encounter with a former co-worker at a closed factory and one is a monologue. Cast: Either one, two or four females. Running time: 5 minutes.

• Performed April 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

 

LOUIS AND ELIZABETH

A woman recently turned into a vampire can’t live with the knowledge that she must kill to survive, and so she commits suicide. Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

LOVE MATCH
A monologue by a female high school tennis player, on how female athletes aren’t taken seriously. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 22, 2010.

 

LOVER’S LEAP
A woman persuades a man to jump off a cliff. Cast: Two: One male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading, No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 17, 2010.

* Staged reading, Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 23, 2010.

 

THE LOYAL HARP
In Jack and the beanstalk, Jack climbs up the beanstalk and from the giant’s house he steals gold, a hen that lays the golden eggs — and a harp that could play itself. But when he tried to do so, the harp cried out for its master, the giant. This looks at the harp’s unflinching loyalty. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 5, 2009

>THE LUMP IN LAURA’S BREAST

>A dramatic monologue about a woman who is about to have a breast removed. <strong>Cast</strong> of one female. <strong>Running time:</strong> 5 minutes.</p>

 LUST
One in a series of confessions by The Seven Deadly Sins. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan.16, 2009

* Staged reading at Garfield Center for the Arts, Chestertown, Maryland, Feb. 13, 2015.

 

 

MADRID, YEARS AFTER FRANCO

A lyrical monologue about how Spain transitioned from dictatorship to democracy without bothering to prosecute the members of the Franco regime. An American tourist finds Justice drinking in a bar, while Prosperity is working late and Liberty is out on the town. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 19, 2009

 

MAKE YOUR OWN LUCK
A creepy piece about a guy who dresses up a mannequin as Lady Luck. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre ,Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., May 7, 2010.

 

 

THE MALE MUSE

A writer has his muse show up to inspire him, but it’s not who he thinks it should be.

Cast: Two males. Running time: Three minutes.

 

 

 THE MAN WHO SAVED THE WORLD (A Tribute to Stanislav Petrov)

   Based on the true story of Soviet Lt. Col. Stanislav Petrov. In 1983, he

   commanded the Soviet military bunker monitoring the USSR’s spy satellites.  

   One night, a computer alarm signalled an American missile launch and the

   Kremlin was soon on the line seeking confirmation of an attack. Petrov

   declared the alarm to be a computer error and refused to set in motion a

   nuclear strike. He turned out to be right, but at the cost of his career. Cast of

   either 4 or 7, depending on doubling. To be historically accurate, all would be

   male. Running time: Six minutes.

• Classroom performance at Spring Hill High School, Longview Texas, May 2013.  

A MAN-TO-MAN TALK (extended version)
A father is supposed to reprimand his son for some unspecified misdeed, but instead winds up commending him. See also “A Man-to-Man Talk,” the one-page version. Cast: Three — one adult male, one juvenile male, and one adult female as an off-stage voice. Running time: Two minutes.

 

THE MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT

An officer worker decides that he (or she) can become a management consultant. The trick: He (or she) uses Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book, and nobody in the business world knows the difference. Cast of three — all non-gender, plus four to five people in the audience asking questions, which would give a cast of seven or eight. Running time: Five minutes.

 

MANURE LOVE
A teen-age girl from the suburbs moves to the country and hates it. Then one of the boys at school invites her to the prom — by spelling out her name in manure on the side of a hill. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 2, 2008.
• Staged reading at The Best of No Shame, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 17 and 28, 2008.
  

   

 

MARBLE-ARCH STYLE
Set in London during World War 2. Two single women in their 40s or 50s look out their window at young couples — American GIs and English girls — making out, and more, in the dark alleys. Their reactions differ. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.

 

            THE MARKETPLACE OF MEMORIES
A doctor invents a way to transplant memory, which creates a marketplace of people buying and selling memories. For some, it’s therapy to substitute bad memories with good ones. For others, it’s a cheap thrill, or a way to raise quick money. This scene looks at the increasingly dark implications of such a future. See also, “The Memory Doctor” and “The Memory Whore.” Cast: Fifteen — 3 female, 6 male, 5 non-gender.  Running time: Five minutes.

* Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 2006.

 

MARTIAN BEACH BABES

     Mars is starting to run dry, which becomes a topic of conversation for two Martian women on the beach. Cast: Two women. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 2004.
• Produced by New Frontiers Charter School, San Antonio, Texas, March 4, 2006.
• Staged reading at The Best of the Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 6, 2012.

 

 

 

    A MARTIAN WESTERN

     Mars is drying up. A roughneck laborer and a civil engineer building canals find themselves in a Old West-style saloon looking for a drink of water. Cast: Three — 2 male, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed March 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va

 

<p>MATH IS A KILLER

A student tries to explain to a teacher why he or she didn’t turn in the math homework. (Or, in an alternate version, a student tries to explain to a parent why he or she flunked math on the latest report card.) In both cases, the student gives wild — but historically accurate — accounts of how certain early mathematicians were killed in the line of duty. <strong>Cast:</strong> Two, both non-gender. <strong>Running time:</strong> Three minutes.</p>

<p><!– /wp:paragraph –></p>

<p><!– wp:paragraph –></p>

<p><em>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; • Published by Eldridge Publishing, fall 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”</em></p>

ME AND MRS. C
A young man explains his love for an older woman — specifically, an inflatable Christmas decoration of Mrs. Claus. Cast: Monologue version is one male; scene version is two males. Running time: Five minutes.

• Monologue: Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 2010.
• Scene: Staged reading at Guerrilla Playhouse, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 11, 2011.

 

MEET THE NEW DAY

Opportunity knocks, but she has the wrong address. Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Sept. 4, 2009.

 

    MEMORIES OF THE DEWEY ADMINISTRATION

      It’s the night before the presidential election in 1952, and a former 

      campaign worker for Tom Dewey’s infamous 1948 campaign looks back on

      what might have been. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed March 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va

 

    THE MEMORY DOCTOR
A rich woman with an unhappy childhood goes to a doctor for a memory transplant. The doctor straps her in for the procedure, with a dark ending — the donor is an unwilling donor. Cast: Four — 2 male, 2 female. You might need a third male, and fifth character, to help drag in the unwilling donor. Running time: Five minutes.

 

    THE MEMORY WHORE
A science fiction scene, envisioning a future where memories are bought and sold — and some are commissioned by people too afraid to do certain things, but who want the memory of having done them. A woman who makes her living creating such memories for more timid souls explains how she fell into that line of work. Cast: Nine — 2 female, 7 male, although two male roles are very small. Running time: Five minutes.
          • Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., December 2005.

 

MERCURY, UNEMPLOYED GOD
Mount Olympus has laid off the gods. Mercury rationalizes his job delivering flowers. Cast: One male. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 13, 2009.

 

THE MERMAID IN THE FOUNTAIN

A man tosses a coin into a fountain. A mermaid appears and comedy ensues. Three variations of the same basic story: The Mermaid in the Wishing Well / The Mermaid in the Fountain / Clamshells and Credit Cards. Cast: Two, one male, one female.

 

THE MERMAID IN THE WISHING WELL

A man tosses a coin into a fountain. A mermaid appears and comedy ensues. Three variations of the same basic story: The Mermaid in the Wishing Well / The Mermaid in the Fountain / Clamshells and Credit Cards. Cast: Two, one male, one female.

 

A MERMAID WALKED INTO A BAR

A man at a bar tries to tell a story, and fails. Cast: Three men.

 

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

Two shipwreck survivors are stranded on the proverbial deserted island. Then a bottle washes up. Cast: Two, both non-gender.

 

MICK FAIRWEATHER
What if a rock star from the ‘60s or ‘70s faked his death so well everyone believed it? And then, what if it changed his mind and attempted a comeback — and no one believed it was him? Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

MIRROR, MIRROR

A woman and her magic mirror. Two versions, one is one minute long, the other two. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: One minute.

 

 MISS LIBERTY TELLS ALL

    The Statue of Liberty discusses immigration — acknowledging the growing number of non-European immigrants to the United States, and welcoming them. Includes some lines in Spanish. Cast: Two — 1 female, 1 non-gender voice off-stage. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

    Roanoke, Va., July 2006.

 

THE MISUNDERSTOOD MUSE
A muse takes offense at her writer because he’s changed her idea. They fight, she leaves and gets her revenge. All in three pages. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Three to five minutes.

 

THE MONKEY RODEO, aka THE SQUIRREL MONKEY RODEO
A promotion at a minor league baseball game goes wrong. Very wrong. Cast: Four males.
* Produced as a radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle Pacific University, Seattle, Washington, April 9, 2013.

 

 

THE MONKEY TRIAL
A monkey finds himself sitting in a jail cell, charged with being an accomplice to the evolution of man. His lawyer, a lizard, confers with him. Cast: Two males.

 

     MR. HENDERSON’S RETIREMENT PLAN

     An elderly man decides to save money on a retirement home by spending the rest of his life in jail, so he tries to rob a bank, thinking that will bring the desired result. Comedy ensues. Cast: Three — one male, two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed April 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

* Produced  by West High School, West, Texas, Feb. 16, 2008.

 

 

     MRS. HENDERSON’S RETIREMENT PLAN

     An elderly woman decides to save money on a retirement home by spending the rest of his life in jail, so she tries to rob a bank, thinking that will bring the desired result. Comedy ensues. Cast: Three — one female, two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE MODERN BANK ROBBERY
Two inept would-be bank robbers try to pull off a heist, only to be thwarted by another robber — the bank president. Cast: Three males, one female.

 

THE MODERN LITTLE MISS MUFFETT

A series of actresses audition for the role of Little Miss Muffett. Cast: 15 – 1 male, 10 female, 4 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Produced by North Hunterdon High School, Annandale, New Jersey, May 2022

 

     MOHAMMAD ATTA’S PARADISE

     The September 11 hijackers believed they would be rewarded with an eternity in paradise, and 70 virgins apiece. This scene envisions the lead hijacker in such a paradise; but one of his colleagues is having second thoughts about the enterprise. A dark and critical look at the beliefs of the terrorists. Cast: Three with speaking roles. Two men, one woman, but as many women as you can muster sitting on the stage as extras. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed September 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

 

   MOM, AM I THE ANTI-CHRIST?
A boy asks his mother if he’s the anti-Christ. She offers another explanation for why “666” is on his forehead. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 2007.

 

 MOM, MY PROJECT IS DUE TOMORROW
A mom explains what it’s like when a kid waits until the night before to announce his or her homework project is due. This is mostly a monologue by the mom, with frequent appearances by the kid, and a brief appearance by the dad. Cast: Three — 1 female, 1 male, 1 non-gender child. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed June 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,    

    Roanoke, Va.

 

THE MONSTER UNDER MY BED
A mother tucks her child into bed. She asks if she needs to check under the bed for monsters. The child says no — but as soon as the mother leaves, the child gets up, and summons the monster lives under the bed. The child then proceeds to torment it. A very different twist on the ‘monster under the bed’ scenario. The monster calls to mom for help, but the child warns the monster that mom won’t hear him — because, after all, the monster is simply in the child’s imagination. Cast: Three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender child. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at Attic Productions New Years Eve Party, Fincastle, Va., Dec. 31, 2006.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 2007.

* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

 

MORAL COMPASS
A two-part scene. In the prologue, a father gives his troublesome young son a “moral compass” to consult on whether a proposed action is right or wrong. Then, 20 years later, the son finds the device a hindrance when trying to pick up women in a bar. Cast: Four — three male adults and one male child. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed June 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

    Roanoke, Va.

• Performed September 2006 at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE MORALLY AMBIGUOUS WITCH OF THE NORTH
A monologue on good and evil, and things in between. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: One female.

* Produced at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio Camp, Roanoke, Va., June 19, 2010.

* Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., July 3,, 2010.

* Staged reading at No Shame in the Afternoon, Roanoke City Library, Roanoke, Va. Dec. 1, 2010.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 24, 2012.

* Staged reading at Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 13, 2012.

 

THE MORNING OF SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 IN HELL

     The devil greets the September 11 hijackers and consigns them to hell. Darkly comic. Cast: 1 male. Running time: 5 minutes.

    • Performed January 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va .

 

   MOTHER GOOSE IS A SLUT

     An angry library patron complains about a book of nursery rhymes. The old woman in the shoe promotes promiscuity. Little Bo Peep undermines the work ethic. And so forth. Cast: Three — 1 female, 2 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Performed February 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

MOVING VIOLATION

A bawdy tale about what happened the day a truck full of sex toys wrecked and spilled its load in front of a church on Sunday morning. Told from the trucker’s point of view. See also “The Things They Don’t Train You For at the Academy” and “The Highway Worker,” which tell the same story from the point of view of the highway patrolman and the highway worker. Cast: one male. Running time: Five minutes.

    * Performed September 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. And October 2005 at The Best of No Shame.

 

1. BIG

Police stop a woman outside a library on suspicion of book-trafficking. Cast: Three – one female, two non-gender.

 

 

 THE MUNCHKIN INSURANCE ADJUSTER
An officious insurance adjuster attempts to deal with the question of the house that has blown into Oz, and landed on the Wicked Witch of the East. Behind any good story lies the paperwork. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Four to six — one male, two female, one to three non-gender.
* Produced at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio Camp, Roanoke, Va., June 19, 2010.

* Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., July 3,, 2010.

 

THE MUSE CATCHES HER WRITER CHEATING
The muse doesn’t like it because her writer got any idea from somewhere else. An argument ensues, and the muse leaves. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

             MY BROTHER’S STUPID HAMSTER

A girl hates her brother’s hamster so much that she’s just flushed it down the commode — which backs up, causing a family crisis. Cast: Four – one adult male, one adult female, one male child, one female child. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed December 2005  at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Performed December 2005 at Attic Productions New Year’s Eve Party, Fincastle, Va.
• Performed at Strawberry Festival as part of No Shame Theatre Sampler program, Roanoke, Va., May 6, 2006.

* Staged reading at Fincastle Opry and Hoe-Down, Fincastle, Va., Nov.4, 2006.

* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

* Produced by North Park Vaudeville and Candy Shoppe, San Diego, California, October 12-13, 2007.

 

MY CRIMSON LOVE
A man erotically expresses his admiration for Norway maples in the fall. Cast: One male.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 12, 2010.

* Staged reading at Garfield Center for the Arts, Chestertown, Maryland, Feb. 13, 2015.

 

MY PERSONAL DEMONS
The three demons in a woman’s personal life move in with her. She explains that she’s named them and they take care of each other. Cast: Four — two male, two female. Alternate version has a cast of five — two male, three female. Running time: Five minutes. Alternate version is about six minutes.

 

   NAILS

     An Easter piece, in a contemporary setting. A Roman government official goes shopping for nails and lumber at a hardware store. Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.

     • Produced at Tappahannock Memorial United Methodist Church, Tappahannock, Va., March 2005.

• Performed March 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Performed at Fincastle United Methodist Church, Fincastle, Va., 2012.

NATHAN
A woman deals with the death of her son by imagining he’s still there — and going to games to cheer him on. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE NATIONAL POET OF MARS
A poem, sort of. A Martian poet attempts an ode to honor the builders of the planet’s canals before the water ran out. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.   

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., August 6, 2010.

 

THE NEGOTIATORS

Four high school students – two boys, two girls – negotiate who should invite whom to prom. Cast: Four – two male, two female.

 

<p>NEIL’S OBSESSION

A dark monologue in which a woman explains why she underwent a sex change operation from a man to a woman. The reason: As a man, she asked out a woman, who turned out to be a lesbian. To try to get the lesbian’s attention, the man has himself turned into a woman. Cast:< One female. <strong>Running time:</strong> Five minutes.</p>

 

     THE NEVERGLADES

A couple that has just moved to Florida is terrified to find an alligator in their backyard. An animal control officer arrives to investigate, but comes to an unorthodox solution. You’ll need a rifle, but no alligator. Cast: Three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed April 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va
•  Produced October 2004 in The Beast Festival at Triangle Theatre, New York, NY.
• Produced April 29, 2005 by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va.

   

THE NEW GOD OF THUNDER
This appears to be a Viking ceremony, with a poet declaiming the virtue of the king. Instead, it turns out to be the celebratory dinner for a bowling league. Note: You’ll need a Viking helmet. Two different endings available:  Cast: At least six — four male, two female, but not everyone of those has a speaking part. You can also use a larger number to form a crowd, if you wish. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 23, 2008.

 

NEW KINDS OF PAIN
A father who has lost a daughter talks about his grief. Cast: One male. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 29, 2010..

 

THE NEW NEIGHBOR (risky version)
A kid tries to extort his new neighbor by offering him pornography for a price. Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 20, 2008.

 

 

THE NEW NEIGHBOR (safe version)
A kid tries to extort his new neighbor by promising to leave him alone — for a fee. Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE NEWSPAPER OF THE FUTURE (five-minute version)

A dark science fiction piece. The newspaper of the future is delivered in the form of temporary tattoos — ink in the veins. The only problem is, the ink is addictive, so readers have turned into news junkies and newspaper publishers have turned into drug pushers. Cast: Long version is 7 — 4 male, 2 female, 1 non-gender. Short version is 5 — 3 male, 2 female. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 22, 2009.

 

 

A NEWSPAPER YOU CAN’T PUT DOWN
A small-town newspaper editor hits among a way to deal with declining circulation — to mix nicotine into his newspaper’s ink in hopes that readers will become addictive. A dark but comic look at both the state of newspapers — and the hazards of tobacco. Cast: Two — one adult male, one teen-age female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

A NICE, RELAXING CUP OF TEA
One person looks into a cup of tea and finds peace and harmony. Another sees only death and war and misery for millions. A short version of the history of tea. Cast: Two, both non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 11, 2007.

* Produced by Asphalt Jungle Shorts, Kitchener, Ontario, May 21-30, 2009.

 

 

 NICKY’S NEW TATTOO (or Nikki’s New Tattoo)

A man (or woman) is sitting at a bar, showing off his (or her) new tattoo of what the tattoo artist says is a Chinese love symbol. But a stranger at the bar convinces him (or her) that it says something wildly inappropriate. Cast: Two non-gender, though probably best played with two of the same gender. Running time: 3 minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 2005.

 

THE NIXON MASK, versions 1-6
Two men prepare to rob a bank. They don their masks — but one of them has obtained a mask of former president Richard Nixon. That provokes an argument between the two over the wisdom of using the mask and what kind of president Nixon was. The phrase “I am not a crook” comes into play. Comes in six different versions; in the sixth, the scene is after they’ve robbed the bank. Cast: Two males. And yes, you’ll need a Nixon mask. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading of version 5 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 30, 2007.
• Staged reading at Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 12,, 2008.

THE NIXON MASK, versions 7-12
A man wearing a Richard Nixon mask tries to rob a bank. But his attempt is foiled. In version 7, it’s because the teller doesn’t know who Nixon was. In versions 8-11, it’s because a customer intervenes, offended that the robber is treating Nixon with disrespect. Cast: Six — two female, three male, one non-gender. And yes, you’ll need a Nixon mask. Running time: Five minutes.

NO GIRL LEPRECHAUNS
A leprechaun takes his two nephews to a bar on St. Patrick’s Day, but is forced to explain why there are no female leprechauns. Cast: Five males — three adults, two juveniles. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed March 17, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

1.   1 MINE DISASTER
   Four miners are trapped in a coal mine, their air supply running out. This scene should be played in the dark. Cast: Four males. Running time: Five minutes.

   NO. 2 MINE DISASTER
   Three miners are trapped in a coal mine, their air supply running out. This scene should be played in the dark. Cast: Three males, one of whom has no lines and may not be even visible in the dark, so you could play this with two males, if need be. Running time: Five minutes.

   NO. 3 MINE DISASTER
   Four miners are trapped in a coal mine, their air supply running out. This scene should be played in the dark. Cast: Four males, one of whom has non lines and may not even be visible in the dark, so you could play this with three males, if need be. Running time: Five minutes.

 

      NO STAR FOR JENNY / A STAR FOR JENNY

A monologue by a mother whose teenage daughter was killed in a car wreck. There are two versions here – each has a different ending. “A Star for Jenny” has the star lit up for someone killed by a drunk driver. “No Star for Jenny” does not. Cast: One female, 40s or 50s. Running time: Less than five minutes.

 

 

NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE or OZ, AFTER HOURS
Dorothy and her three new friends — the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion play a game of cards.Who knew that Dorothy was a card shark? Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: One female, four male (counting Toto as male.)

 

• NOTHING IS SACRED, aka, THE COPPER THIEVES
  Two dim-witted crooks try to steal copper from a church roof — oblivious to the thunderstorm that has blown up. Cast: Two males. Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 2, 2011.

     NOW HIRING FOR TOOTH FAIRY

      Three women are interviewed for the job of tooth fairy. Rated R for sexual content. Cast: Three women, one off-stage voice. Set: Three chairs.

• Performed November 2003 and February 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill

     Mountain Theatre,  Roanoke, Va.

 

THE NUMBER ONE WAR CRIMINAL IN THE UNIVERSE
An alien species begins picking up old television signals from earth, and becomes convinced that “Star Trek” is a real-life documentary — and sends a ship to earth to arrest Captain Kirk as a war criminal. This scene is set as the captain of that vessel describes its mission to the crew — and then gets last-minute intelligence that he or she has been suckered in by a fictional program. Cast: Three, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE OCEANS OF MARS
A dark science fiction piece. A boy sits in a juvenile detention facility. We learn that this is Mars, and his crime — spreading rumors that there are still oceans on the fourth planet. Cast: Four males — three adults, one juvenile, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

 OF COURSE, GALILEO GOT IN TROUBLE FOR OTHER THINGS

A teen-ager shows no remorse for a dangerous prank on a school field trip, and his mom is an enabler who makes excuses for him. A dark comedy. Two variations of same script: “Jeremy Learns Another Lesson the Easy Way” and “Once Again, Isaac Newton Gets Blamed for Gravity.” Also related to: “But I’m Not Sorry; It Was Fun, Actually.” Cast: Three – 1 male, 1 female, 1 teen-age male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

OFFICER HENDERSON BRIEFS THE MEDIA ON THE UNUSUAL ACCIDENT ON ROUTE 59
A highway patrolman explains how a truck full of sex toys came to wreck in front of a Baptist church on a Sunday morning. Similar to “Moving Violation.” Cast: One male. Running time : Five minutes.

OH GOD! OH YES! OH GOD!
God ponders why couples at the height of passion cry out “Oh God!” Cast: One male, plus many voices off-stage. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 29, 2008.

 

OIL SLICK
An aging stock-car race laments how the sport has changed. His team owner has just informed him he’s being dropped, because the corporate sponsor wants to go with a younger image. It’s mostly a monologue until a young woman dressed in a driver’s suit enters at the end — she’s his replacement. Cast: Two — 1 male, 1 female. Male should appear older, likely in 40s or 50s; female should be late teens, early 20s. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., August 3, 2007.

 

OKLAHOMA?

A modern-day critique of the famous musical. Cast: Two, non-gender.

• Staged reading at Liminal gallery, Roanoke, Virginia, fall 2014.

OL’ BUZZARD AND LIL RABBIT
A rabbit wonders why a buzzard is looking at him, especially since the rabbit knows the buzzard only eats dead things. But the buzzard has a plan. A dark comic scene. Two versions available, monologue and full scene. Cast: One or three, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 2007.

 

AN OLD BLUESMAN, 1964
An old bluesman, living in a retirement home in 1964, gets a letter from an English band that has rediscovered his old songs. Cast: Two: One African-American male; one young female.

 

THE OLD MASTERS
A kid shows up for his, or her, first guitar lesson and finds the teacher drinking. The teacher explains that first the kid must learn blues and the blues comes from years of hard luck and hard living. Dark comedy ensues. Related to “A Short History of the Blues,” “A Short History of Country Music,” and “The Hard Work of the Blues,” which contain same basic theme but with different endings. Cast of two — one male  adult, one non-gender child. Running time: Three minutes.

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD REVISITED
Has anyone read this nursery rhyme lately? It’s very, um, strange. And this comic analysis makes it even stranger. Ultimately involves someone in a dog costume. Cast: Three, all non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

      * Staged reading Sept. 5, 2008 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, 

     Roanoke, Va

 

THE OLDEST MEMBER OF THE CONGREGATION

Two versions of the same dark comedy: An old woman complains that her minister always recognizes the oldest member of the congregation, and she falls short by just a few months. In response, the woman waits bitterly for her rival to die. In version one, the oldest member has finally died and the woman rejoices. In version two, she reads the obituaries in vain and plots her rival’s demise. Cast of two females — one senior, one woman young enough to be her grandmother. Running time: Five minutes.

 

    ON BOARD THE DEWEY VICTORY SPECIAL

     A slice of life from the 1948 presidential campaign, contrasting the easy life

     on the Dewey train with the chaotic life on the Truman train. A commentary

     on the media, which took things easy and didn’t notice the Truman surge. 

     Cast: Six — all male. Running time: Five minutes.

•  Staged reading October 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, 

     Roanoke, Va

 

ON THE FENCE AND UP A TREE
Some birdwatchers study a rare specimen in a tree. Except they’re not
birdwatchers, and it’s not a bird at all — it’s an undecided voter.
Cast: Four, non-gender.

 

ON THE HOUSE

A kid transforms his lemonade stand into a bar, much to the chagrin of his father. Cast: Seven — 6 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

      * Staged reading fall 2008 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, 

     Roanoke, Va

 

    ONCE AGAIN, ISAAC NEWTON GETS BLAMED FOR GRAVITY

A teen-ager shows no remorse for a dangerous prank on a school field trip, and his mom is an enabler who makes excuses for him. A dark comedy. Two variations of same script: “Jeremy Learns Another Lesson the Easy Way” and “Of Course, Galileo Got in Trouble For Other Things.” Also related to: “But I’m Not Sorry; It Was Fun, Actually.”  Cast: Three – 1 male, 1 female, 1 teen-age male. Running time: Five minutes.

•  Performed May 14, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, 

     Roanoke, Va

 

ONE DAY IN CHICAGO
A man talks a fantasy tour through Chicago – meeting the billy goat of the famous baseball curse and Mrs. O’Malley’s cow – only to find out he’s dreaming, after getting hit by a foul ball at Wrigley Field.

Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 6, 2012.

 

ONE GOOD SEASON
A sports – science fiction – crime mystery — morality play. Two mobsters approach a down-on-his-luck baseball manager with a shady proposition: Insert microchips in a pitcher’s arm and shock him into throwing a fastball faster than humanly possible. Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 2, 2009.

 

ONE MORNING ON THE FARM

A farmer awakes from a very dark and disturbing dream about chickens. Cast: Two – one male, one female.

 

 

ONE WINTER’S NIGHT IN BETHLEHEM, PENNSYLVANIA

    The Christmas story, set in modern times. Version 1 has a couple sleeping

     in their car in a motel parking lot because there’s no room at the inn. Version

     2 puts them in the motel lobby. Cast: Three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-

     gender. Running time: Two minutes.

 

 THE ONE-WORD ROMEO AND JULIET

    The essence of the Romeo and Juliet story, in one scene, with each

    character uttering just one word at a time. Taken from a longer version that covers the entire play. Cast: Five — 4 male, 1 female.

    There’s also a slightly inaccurate version that can be done with a cast of four

• 3 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed March 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Produced by Lloyd C. Bird High School, Chesterfield, Va., February 2006.

• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

   ORANGES AND GRAPEFRUITS: Thoughts of a cancer survivor’s husband
A man whose wife underwent a double mastectomy wonders if he will ever again feel a woman’s bare breast. Cast: One male.

 

 ORANGUNTANS

    Two versions of the same situation — an unfortunate typographical error that

    turned the word “arrangements” in an obituary into the word “orangutans.”

    Version one involves a newspaper publisher taking the complaint; version

    two involves the funeral home director. Cast of both: Two, one male, one

     female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

    ORDER UP!

    The loaves and fishes story, played out in a fast food restaurant. Cast: Four   

• one male, three non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed May 2004 and October 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain 

    Theatre, Roanoke, Va

•  Performed in classroom performance at Ballard High School, Louisville, Ky., March 2005.
• Produced by No Shame Theatre as part of National Best of No Shame at Picolo Spoleto arts festival, Charleston, S.C., June 2005.
• Produced by Bethany Covenant Church, Berlin, Connecticut, November 2005.
• Classroom performance at University of New Mexico, Albuquerque, N.M., November 2005.

 

THE ORPHANAGE
A child who had given up on his or her chances to be adopted learns his or her new family is waiting to take him/her home. Cast: Two, one adult, one juvenile, in double digits or early teens, both non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 18, 2008.

 

ORPHEUS AND THE BIRDS
Orpheus was said to play the lyre so sweetly that even the trees and rocks were moved by its charms. But what of the birds? Cast of two: One male, who can play guitar, one female. Running time: Depends on how much music you play, but anywhere from one minute to five minutes.

 

 

OUTSIDE THE BOX
Two homeless men prepare to bed down on the street for the night. One of them has given up his cardboard box because he has read in a discarded Wall Street Journal that he needs to think “outside the box.” Five different versions available. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 15, 2008.

 

THE OZ FILES: THE CASE OF THE MELTING WITCH
The police investigate the death of the Wicked Witch of the West. Are we sure she’s really dead? And if she is, does that make Dorothy a serial killer? Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast of six — one female, four male, one non-gender

 

PAINTING THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
Two munchkins give a paint job to the yellow brick job. One wonders why they’re doing it; the other explains. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Two non-gender.

* Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., July 3,, 2010.

 

THE PALACE PERSONNEL OFFICE
The royal executioneer applies for a new job — as court jester. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

PAPAR-OZ-I, or, The Coroner Gets His 15 Minutes of Fame, and an Hour-Long TV Special
An experiment in form. A fast-paced look at the rise and fall of the celebrity status of the coroner who pronounced the death of the Wicked Witch of the West became a celebrity — and then faded from view. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Fourteen — one male, 13 non-gender.

      PARAGUAY, 1960
A former Nazi official is living as a fugitive in Paraguay. The time is 1960 and the man has just read a newspaper account of how Israeli agents have captured former Nazi Adolf Eichmann in Argentina and spirited him back to Israel for trial. The incident provokes an argument between the man and his wife over their status. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June, 2007.

 

THE PARROT WHO TALKED BACK

A woman is confounded when her parrot starts talking. Cast: Three – two female, one non-gender.

 

      PASS THE PEPPER, PLEASE
A couple is dining. The husband asks for the pepper, and is greeted with a wild lecture about the history of the spice. Cast: Two –one male, one female. Running time: Two minutes.

 

    PEACE IN BETHLEHEM

    A serious Christmas piece that looks at modern Bethlehem, alternating

    between Israeli soldiers planning to strike a terrorist hide-out and the

    terrorists making suicide bombs. References to a bright star, shepherds

    in the field , three wise men and crowded hotels included. Cast: Five or

    six. Four male, one or two non-gender. Running time: 5 minutes.

 

PEAS THE SIZE OF BEETS

In 1900, scientists predicted that within a hundred years, peas would be the size of beets. A mother trying to feed peas to her baby is glad they aren’t. Cast: One female.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 13, 2012.

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS
A monologue about why the penny should be abolished. See also “A Penny Saved Is a Penny Earned,” a related monologue about why the penny should be saved. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY EARNED
A monologue about why the penny is a good thing and should not be abolished. See also “Penny For Your Thoughts,” a related monologue about why the penny should be abolished. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

 PEOPLE RESPECT A WOMAN WITH A PLUNGER
Two women are getting ready to go to a concert by checking off the list of things they need to take with them — tickets, cameraphone, and so forth — when one decides to take a plunger. She says this will help her get to the front of the line at the ladies’ room at intermission. Cast: Two women. Running time: Three minutes.
* Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.

• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., July 2009.

* Produced in “Broadway on Thin Ice” by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 7, 2010.

 

PERCHANCE TO DREAM
A woman talks with her cellphone, which doesn’t want to be shut off. Cast: Three — one male,  one female, one non-gender.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 9, 2012.

     THE PERFECT BLUE SKY

     Four people remember what they were doing on September 11, 2001. A   

     memorial piece that attempts to capture the public’s mood from that day.

     Includes an audience participation section. Cast: Four, non-gender, plus

     audience participation. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed September 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

• Performed September 9, 2011 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va. In observance of the 10^th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

 

 

PERFECT TIN

The tin man reflects. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

PERSIAN CAT
A police officer investigating a case of a dog that has killed the neighbor’s cat — and finds the cat suspicious because it’ was a Persian cat. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

 PERSPECTIVES OF BETH
A man thinks he’s been invited to speak about a former girlfriend. Instead, it was supposed to be on “perspectives of death.”. Cast: Two, one male, one non-gender, but only the male has speaking lines. Running time: Five minutes..

 

 

  PERVERTING SHAKESPEARE
A minister preaches from the Book of Shakespeare, explaining how Hamlet and other plays is about sin. But then things get out of hand. Cast: Six — 1 male, five non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

PETER’S PRISON TATTOO
A dark comic look at prison life, and an inmate who writes weekly letters to his grandmother, assuring her he’s really in college. Cast: Two males. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 2, 2007.

 

PHENOM WITH AN F
What happens to a baseball phenom once he no longer is one. Cast: Two males. Running time: Three minutes.

 

 

 

PHOENIX IS THE CAPITAL OF ARIZONA
A kid has a class project to do on the states, and his state is Arizona. While his mother is busy on the phone, the kid decides to set fire to the family’s pet parakeet to see if it’s a phoenix, the mythological bird that rises from the ashes. Cast: Three — one adult female, one adult male, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.

• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.

PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY

A man’s memories magically turn into images on the Internet, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend. Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

PHOTOGRAPHING FAIRIES IN THE 22ND CENTURY

A scientist experimenting with genetic manipulation makes a terrible mistake. Cast: Two, non-gender.

* produced by Emerson Arts, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, October 2021.

THE PI OF MAGGIE (five-minute version)

     Two female math majors compare tattoos — and the stories behind them.

     The biggest belongs  to Maggie, who has pi, calculated to nearly 200 places,

     tattooed on her back. She acts out how that happened, and what reaction

     she gets to it. There’s also a 15-minute version of this script. Cast: Two

     females, one male. Note: Yes, you’ll need to put pi on Maggie’s back for all

     to see. Running time: Five minutes

• Performed November 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, 

      Roanoke, Va.

•  Performed June 2004 at Picolo Spoleto arts festival, Charleston, S.C.

A PICTURE OF WALLACE HARTLEY ON THE WALL
The owner of a small manufacturing company puts a portrait of the Titanic’s bandleader on the wall — to remind him just how bad things can get. He’s refused to sell out; like Hartley, he intends to go down with the ship. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

*Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 16, 2011.

 

THE PICTURE WINDOW
A boy hits a baseball through an old woman’s widow — and gets a lesson he didn’t expect. She has a letter from a late husband waiting to be given to the first kid who hits a ball through the window. He’d been waiting for years for someone to do that. Cast: Three to six. Main cast is one juvenile male, one senior female, and the voice of a senior male. There’s an option to add three juvenile males. Running time: Six or seven minutes

 

PIECE OF CAKE
A wedding cake gets mixed up with a cake where a scantily-clad woman pops out of the cake. Comedy ensues. Cast: Six, best as four female, two male, but could be three and three.

 

PIG WAS A LIFELONG LEARNER

Pig learns, too late, what “pork” really means. Cast of two – both non-gender.

 

     PLANTS ARE PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
A man explains why he fears plants, and talks about the actions he’s taken to combat their plot for worldwide domination. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading July 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

    Roanoke, Va.

 

PLAY BALL!
A weary minor league baseball manager begs an umpire to eject him in hopes of firing up his team — or at least sparing the manager the indignity of watching his team lose so badly. But the umpire has a special condition before he’ll send the manager to the showers. Advisory: Contains homo-erotic allusion. Cast: Four males — two on stage, two voices off-stage. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,  Roanoke, Va., May 9, 2008.

PLOP!
A fish jumps out of the fish tank. A monologue on what might have prompted this. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged at No Shame Theatre, Hollins University, Roanoke, Va., March 27, 2009.

 THE POLE SHIFTER

     A conspiracy buff rants about climatic change. His proof: The leaves are   

     falling. The fact that it’s autumn doesn’t dissaude him.  Cast: Two, either

     gender. Essentially a monologue with a heckler from the audience. Running

     time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading October 2004  at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, 

      Roanoke, Va.

 

POLITE TO THE DEAD

A monologue about the genocide in Rwanda – and memory and forgetfulness, as told through the eyes of a foreign aid worker. Cast: One male.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb.3, 2012.

THE POLITICS OF SANTA

Is Santa a Democrat or a Republican? We explore the possibilities. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 16, 2011.

 

THE POLITICIAN’S WIFE
Whenever a male politician finds himself embroiled in a scandal and he is forced to address the matter, his wife is invariably standing there at his side. Why? What’s going through her mind. This piece explores that, from her point of view. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., March 14, 2008.

 

     POLLY SIGH MEETS HER MAKER

     A fast-talking young woman shows up at the gates of heaven and befuddles  

    St. Peter. Cast: 2 — 1 male, 2 female.  Running time: Five minutes

• Performed December 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

• Staged reading by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va., SVCC Arts Extravaganza, December 2004

     POLLY SIGH, PUNK CELLIST

     A motormouth young woman, who happens to play the cello, shows up at

     auditions for a punk band and tries to talk her way in. Cast: Three — two

     males, one female. You’ll need something that can pass for a cello case,

     but not an actual cello. Running time: Five minutes

• Performed as a high school class project at Sandpoint High School,

     Sandpoint, Idaho, November 2003.

 

POLLY WANT A CRACKER
First, the parrot wants a cracker. Then Polly wants cheese. Finally, Polly wants a nice chablis. What’s a bird owner to do? Cast: Two — one non-gender adult, one precocious parrot, or puppetter. Running time: Three minutes.

 

POWER LUNCH (before)
It’s nearly lunchtime in an office and Amy is taking requests for the daily lunch. Except there’s a catch: She’s raiding the fridge in the executive suite. Cast: Four women. Running time: Five minutes.

 

POWER LUNCH (after)
It’s lunchtime in an office, and Amy has just returned with lunch for everyone. And just where is this lunch coming from? From her raid on the refrigerator in the executive suite, of course. Cast: Four females. Running time: Five minutes.

 

     THE PRESS RELEASE

     A Christmas scene, or, heaven as a corporate office. The angels in the

     marketing department debate how best to stage the announcement of the

     birth of Jesus — simple press release or multi-media extravaganza. Cast: 5

     — 4 female, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes

• Staged reading December 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

PREVIVOR

A woman graphically tells about the results of her pre-emptive surgery to reduce her risk for breast cancer. Cast: One female.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,  Roanoke, Va. July 30, 2010.

 

<p><strong>PRINCESS TALK</strong><br>Two princesses share a naughty talk about frogs and handsome princes. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.</p>

 

    THE PROBLEM WITH PIRATES
The manager of a seafood restaurant wants his new employee to dress up like a pirate — but the employee wonders why killers and thieves are being romanticized. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

 

PROFESSOR TEX R. KANA AND HIS INTERGALACTIC CIRCUS AND TRAVELLING ZOO
It is the 24th century and the world is a very different place. The circus ringmaster shows off creatures that once were common and now are on the verge of extinction. The most prized of those — a blonde. Cast: Two — one male, one blonde female, plus multiple extras. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 30, 2008.

 

 

PROPER HOLLINS LADIES

Two Hollins University students contemplate stealing a bulb from a giant neon star. Complications ensue. Cast: Two females, college age. Running time: About two minutes.

 

 

PUCK SEEKS OTHER EMPLOYMENT
The mischievous fairy of Shakespeare’s “Midsummer’s Night Dream” visits the employment office to apply for jobless benefits. Adventure ensues. Cast: Two or three, depending on which of two optional endings you choose. Basic cast is 1 male, 1 non-gender. The optional third character is male, making it 2 male, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

 

 

 

PUNKAHONTAS

     You’re familiar with the story of the Indian princess Pocahontas and how she

     save the English settler John Smith from having his head bashed in? Well,

      this is the punk version. Things may not turn out quite the same here. Cast:

     Five — 2 male, 1 female, 2 non-gender. Running time:   Five minutes.

•  Staged reading February 2005 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

     PUSH MY BUTTONS

     A make-out scene, performed in the dark. A man and a woman on a date are

     getting hot and heavy; he starts removing some clothing when suddenly he

     yelps — he’s stuck his finger on a button. A political button.  He’s not

     enamored of that candidate, and loses interest in her. Comes in both

      Democratic and Republican versions. Cast: Two — one man, one woman. 

     Running time: Five minutes.

•  Staged reading October 2004 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

PUTTING THE FAIR IN TOOTH FAIRY
A child who has just lost a tooth confronts the tooth fairy with a baseball bat — and finds the tooth fairy is a large, hairy man. The child wonders why he hasn’t gotten as much money for his teeth as other kids have. Cast: Three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 child. Running time: Five minutes.
     • Staged reading  at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va. , November 2005.

•   Staged reading at Attic Productions New Year’s Eve Party, Fincastle, Va., December 2005.
•  Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., March 2006.

   * Produced by North Park Vaudeville and Candy Shoppe, San Diego, California, October 2006. 

* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. July 14, 2007.

 

 PYTHONS

Two snakes sunning themselves compare notes about what they like best about being a python. A dark comedy. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Two minutes.

• Performed October 2005 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

Q DOWNSIZED
Hard times have hit the alphabet. The letter “Q” is called into the office and laid off. Dark comedy follows, and plays out according to the seven stages of grief. Related to “Alphabet Soup.” Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, April 3, 2009.

* Staged reading at Liminal Art Gallery, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 5, 2011.

 

Q STANDS FOR QUEST
A young boy fancies himself a knight. He enlists a homeless man as his page and lays siege to a girl’s house, much to her annoyance. Or, in a different version, that of a teacher. Cast: Three or four, depending on the version. Either one juvenile male, one juvenile female, one adult male, one adult female, or one juvenile male, one adult male, one adult female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

QUANTIFYING HELL
A high school student, running out of time to make a proper science projects, concocts a bizarre scheme to measure hell — as in the expressions “hotter than hell,” “colder than hell,” “hurts like hell,” and so forth. Cast: Four, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
     • Performed March 31, 2006 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

THE RAIN DELAY
The owner of a baseball team explains why he likes rain delays — more time for fans to buy over-priced beer. Cast: One male.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., summer 2011.

RAPED BY A ROBOT

A dark, serious piece about rape. A woman is assaulted by her household robot.. Cast: One, non-gender.

 

THE RECRUITER
A scene about gender discrimination in college sports. A college recruiter shows up at a rural school asking about a particular football player; oblivious to the softball player banging home runs in batting practice. Cast: Two adult males, one teenage girl.

 

RED ALERT
A weird little riff on redheads. It envisions a day when society is so repulsed by redheads that they are quarantined as mutants. But the scientist in charge secretly believes they represent the next step in human evolution. Dark, to say the least. Cast: Twelve — 4 male, 1female, 7 non-gender. Note: You need one male redhead and one female redhead. Running time: Five minutes.

 

RED AND BLUE

One person in Republican red meets someone in Democratic blue and comedy ensues. Cast: Two: Non-gender.

 

THE RED SOX VS.THE KLINGON EMPIRE
A father decked out in Star Trek gear attempts to interest his baseball-obsessed game in the science fiction series. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., April 24, 2009.

 

THE RED VIRGIN

Based on the true story of Aurora Rodriguez, a Spanish anarchist who, in the early 1900s, set about raising her daughter, Hildegart, to be “the first free woman.” Hildegart was a prodigy but, when she disappointed her mother, Aurora killed her. This is a monologue by the mother, with other characters present. Cast: Two females, multiple males. Running time: Five minutes.

 

RED ZONE
Imagine a world in which redheads are in charge and those who make fun of their hair color are sentenced to death. Cast: Five — 4 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

REDNECK HAIKU

A teacher convinces a boy that haiku is really cowboy poetry. A touching scene about whether it’s socially acceptable for a boy to write poetry. Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., March 10, 2010.

 

THE RE-ENACTOR

     A history buff is inspired by a TV commercial to seek a career as a

     presidential re-enactor, so he sends off for a tape. But the president he

     winds up re-enacting is one of the obscure ones. Cast: One. Running time:

      Five minutes.

•  Performed October 2004 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

    REMEMBERING RONALD REAGAN

      A liberal and a conservative dispute Reagan’s legacy. Cast: Two non-  

     gender. Running time: Five minutes.

•  Performed June 2004 at Picolo Spoleto arts festival, Charleston, S.C.
•  Performed June 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

 

REMEMBRANCE DAY
An old soldier’s nightmares have finally stopped — because now he can’t remember much of anything anymore. Cast:: One older man or one younger female, depending on which of two versions you choose. See also one-page version. Running time: Five minutes.

REQUIEM FOR A BUZZARD
What do buzzards do when one of their own becomes roadkill? They say a few words of remembrance, then they eat him. Cast: Three, non-gender, but perhaps best as two male, one female.

• Produced by Asphalt Jungle Shorts, Kitchener, Ontario, Jun 6-15, 2013.

RHINO
A rhinoceros thinks he’s a unicorn and seeks out a woman on a park bench. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Three — two male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 22, 2013.

 

 

A RHINO AT THE BAR

A rhino and a goat try their luck at a bar. Both fail to impress the ladies. Cast: Four – two male, two female

 

THE RING
Sixty years after a close call in a state championship girls basketball game, the star of the losing team still can’t reconcile herself to losing. (See also one-act by the same name). Cast: Two senior females.

• Produced at Newburgh Free Academy, Newburgh, N.Y., May 2014.

 RINGSIDE

A dark piece about a boxing match being fixed. The boxer was supposed to take a dive in the eighth round, but instead his opponent went down with a knockout in an earlier round. This scene is after the fight, in which the manager confronts the boxer, who claims the knockout was an accident. Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE ROAD TO NOWHERE

A buzzard persuades some small mammals to support construction of a super highway. He tells them it will help them get across better, but he’s really just looking for more roadkill. Cast: One male.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 25, 2011.

 

ROADKILL CAFE

A couple on the road stops at the only restaurant for miles around. It’s staffed by buzzards. Cast: Four – two male, two female. Running time: About two minutes.

 

THE ROBBERY

Two former high school teammates meet a few years ago, when the one is trying to hold up the other one. Poignancy ensues. Cast: Two males.

 

ROCHE LIMIT
A dark interpretation of the scientific concept behind how Saturn got its ring. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Three minutes.

 

ROLLED

Three engineers discuss the best way to move the stone from in front of the  tomb of Jesus. An Easter-themed script. Cast: Four – three females, one male. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed April 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

ROMANIA 1989

The untold story behind the Romanian revolution against communism in 1989: Vampires. Cast: Narrator, plus a vampire and a crowd. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

THE ROOMMATES
A couple is making out in the dark when suddenly the lights come on and three wild-looking people are staring at them. Roommates? No — the personal demons of one of the people locked in the embrace. They’ve come to encourage bad behavior. Comes in both a male and female version. Cast: Six. Either one male, two female, three non-gender or two male, one female, three non-gender. Running time: Two minutes.

 

ROSCOE THE FIRE-BREATHING TURTLE
A turtle thinks he’s developed the ability to breathe fire, but maybe it’s really just indigestion. Cast: Two, one male, one non-gender, but only the male has speaking lines. Running time: Five minutes..

 

 THE ROSWELL FILE: WITNESS 3A

A young Air Force officer who witnessed the crash of an alien spaceship into the New Mexico desert near Roswell in 1947 is now an old man. Sworn to secrecy all these days, he’s now starting to reminisce to the nurses about what he saw. That prompts a visit by a mysterious young man (or woman) who claims to be his nephew (or niece). A dark scene about conspiracies. Cast: Three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

ROSWELL WAS REAL AND THE MOON LANDINGS WERE FAKE
An old man’s rant about how the moon landings were fake. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

ROSWELL WAS REAL AND THE MOON LANDINGS WERE FAKE (monologue)
A man recounts all the things she believes in — but he doesn’t believe his significant other on some unspecified story. Cast: One female. Running time: One minute.

SAGUARO
Two border patrol agents in Arizona are on the look-out for illegal immigrants. The veteran explains the desert to the rookie, with a twist at the end. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 22, 2011.
* Produced at Cone Man Running, Houstin, Texas, June-July 2021

 

SANTA CLAUS AND THANKSGIVING

Santa Claus eliminates Thanksgiving because it gets in the way of Christmas shopping. Cast: Four – one male, three non-gender.

 

SANTA IN THE OFF-SEASON
A kid who is unhappy because he or she didn’t get a pony for Christmas tracks down Santa during his summer vacation, catches the jolly old elf in some compromising behavior and blackmails him. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one juvenile, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., September 7, 2007.

* Produced by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Library, San Jose, California, December 17, 2021

 

SANTA SELLS HIS SOUL
Jesus pays Santa Claus a visit — and asks him to tone back his commercialism to allow room put more the Christ back in Christmas. But it turns out that Santa Claus has turned double agent, and now is working for the devil instead. Cast: * * Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., December 21, 2007.

 

 

SATAN TAKES A HOLIDAY

The devil attempts to relax on vacation at a swanky resort, only to find himself on a chaise lounge next to an upbeat man who turns out to be God Himself. Cast: Three — two male, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Classroom performance at Hickory High School, Chesapeake, Va., January 16, 2008.

 

SATAN’S FAN MAIL

A kid writes a letter to Santa but spells the name wrong and it winds up in the hands of Satan. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Four – one adult male, two adult females, one male child. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 11, 2009.

 

THE SAVAGE DREAMS OF FLUFFY THE CAT
A housecat imagines itself a lion and contemplates killing its owner — until the owner arrives with a treat. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 12, 2009

 

SCHOOL COLORS, aka THE GREEN GRADUATION
A college graduation goes awry when the biodegradable gowns disintegrate during a brief rainshower. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., spring 2011.
•  

THE SCHOOL DANCE
A retired British Army officer teaches physical education at a private school. Now, he’s in charge of teaching the boys ballroom dancing in preparation for a dance. Cast: Two — one male, one female.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 4, 2011.

 

THE SCRIPT DOCTOR
A play is in progress, but things aren’t going well because the script is so lame. One of the actor interrupts the show and asks if there’s a script doctor in the house. There is — and the doctor fixes things up. Now, it’s Shakespeare! Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, spring 2008.
• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., June 2009.
• Produced by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio camp, Roanoke, Va., July 2009.

 

THE SEARCH FOR THE FUTURE MRS. CLAUS

Two elves set out to find a wife for Santa Claus. And perhaps they do. Cast: Four – one female, three non-gender

 

 

SEARCHING FOR THE GHOST OF HANK WILLIAMS
A man drives through Southwest Virginia and southern West Virginia on New Year’s Eve, hoping to find the ghost of Hank Williams at the spot where he died. Cast: Three — two adult males, one juvenile male.

 

THE SECOND BATTLE OF THE WILDERNESS
A commentary on the commercial development of Civil War battlefields and other historic sites. A historian gives a tour of a Civil War battlefield — which now sits in the middle of a shopping area. Cast: One male.

 

SECOND-HAND CHAMPAGNE
The champagne is stocked, ready for the team to clinch the title. Then they blow the game. What happens to the champagne? Cast: One male.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 21, 2011.

SECOND TIME AROUND
A couple discovers a modern-day fountain of youth and debates whether to try it. Cast: Two — one teen, one senior, any genders.

THE SECRET LIFE OF CHARLOTTE MARIA STUART
A young woman thinks she’s the long-lost Stuart heir to the throne of England. She’s actually in a mental hospital. Cast: Five: Two female, three male, but can be two female, three non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF BIRDS
A bird-watching couple speculates what the birds are really saying in their mating calls. It’s dirty. Cast: Four – two male, two female. Optional ending would require cast of five – three male, two female. Running time: Three minutes.

 

THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, vol. 1: PIRATES!
A goldfish is convinced that the sunken ship in the aquarium is a pirate ship. The other goldfish convinces him (or her) otherwise. Cast: Two, both non-gender. Running time: Three minutes.

• Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.
• Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. July 14, 2007.
• Staged reading at Fincastle Opry and Hoe-Down, Fincastle, Va., Nov. 17, 2007.

• Produced by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle Pacific University, February 7, 2013.

•  

THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, vol. 2: WE’RE RICH!
A goldfish thinks he or she has struck it rich by discovering a treasure chest full of gold and jewels. The other goldfish explains that it’s merely a cheap plastic prop. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading March 2007 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

 

THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, vol. 3: HOT FOR THE MERMAID
A goldfish has fallen in love with the plastic mermaid in the fishtank. The other fish has to bring the news that it’s not real. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, vol. 4: HOT FOR THE DEEP SEA DIVER
A goldfish has fallen in love with the plastic deep sea diver in the fishtank. The other fish has to bring the news that it’s not real. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at Liminal Gallery, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 25, 2012.

THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, vol. 5: THE BREAK-OUT
Two goldfish debate how best to break out of the fish tank. Cast: Two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., March 4, 2011.

• Produced as radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle Pacific University, Seattle, Washington, January 31, 2013.

 

THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, vol. 6: BICYCLE
A goldfish wants a bicycle. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes

• Produced as a short film, shown at Bike Shorts film festival, Roanoke, Va., May 3, 2013.

THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, VOL. 7: EVOLUTION

Sushi fears he won’t get fed and vows to turn into a piranha. Moby points out the fallacy in his thinking. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: One minute.

SENSIBLE SHOES
The true story, more or less, behind the ruby slippers. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Three females.

 

SEVEN SINS IN SEVEN DAYS

A man describes how he ran through all seven deadly sins in a week’s time. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January 4, 2007.

 

72 VEGANS
A suicide bomber finds, instead of being granted 72 virgins, he gets 72 vegans instead. He is not amused. A dark comedy. Cast: Four — two male, two female.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va,, May 2011, following the death of Osama bin Laden.
• Staged reading at The Best of Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 29, 2011.

SHAKESPEARE FOR CHILDREN: THE STORY TIME HAMLET

A substitute teacher — perhaps Shakespeare himself? — attempts to read ‘Hamlet’ to children at story time. He is constantly interrupted by questions, until he finally loses his composure. Cast: Two, one male adult, one non-gender children. Running time: Three minutes.

    * Performed September 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

SHAKESPEARE FOR CHILDREN: THE STORY TIME MACBETH

A substitute teacher — perhaps Shakespeare himself? — attempts to read ‘Macbeth’ to children at story time. He is constantly interrupted by questions, until he finally loses his composure. Cast: Two, one male adult, one non-gender children. Running time: Three minutes.

 

SHAKESPEARE FOR CHILDREN: THE STORY TIME ROMEO AND JULIET

A substitute teacher — perhaps Shakespeare himself? — attempts to read ‘Romeo and Juliet’ to children at story time. He is constantly interrupted by questions, until he finally loses his composure. Cast: Two, one male adult, one non-gender children. Running time: Three minutes.

• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

SHEEP-RUSTLING IN RHYME LAND
Little Bo Peep, who lost her sheep, accuses Mary of Mary Had a Little Lamb, of stealing her livestock. Cast: Four — two male, two female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

SHEETS
An elderly patient in a nursing home looks out the window and sees — a ghost made out of sheets hanging in a tree. It’s a Halloween decoration, something fun for the kids who visit. But the patient sees it in a very different way. Cast: Two — one female, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

 

 

SHELL SHOCKED

A presidential candidate can’t believe he lost the election, so his staff creates a fake White House and auditions actors to play the various roles. Cast: Two – one male, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 30, 2012.

 

SHIFT CHANGE FOR THE CONSCIENCE

You know the cartoons that depict a person’s conscience as an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? That’s what this is. In this case, the angel and the devil are giving conflicting instructions to a woman at a party. Then comes shift change and their replacements for the next shift arrive. Cast: Four, all non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

•  Performed November 2005 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

SHINER

An ethical dilemma: A baseball manager wants his pitcher to throw an illegal pitch — a spitball, also called a shiner. The manager says that’s the only way the pitcher can cut it in the big leagues. Cast: Three males, one of whom is off-stage as a radio announcer. Running time: Three minutes.

• Staged reading September 2005 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

THE SHIPWRECK

In two Shakespearean fashion, two twins survive a shipwreck and climb onto the shore Castor tells the grim tale while Pollux mostly groans, with a surprise ending. Cast: two, non-gender.

 

THE SHOOTING AT RAY’S QUIK-MART

     A teen-ager whose friend was killed in a botched hold-up and the old man  

    who ran the store give their different versions of events. A dark, disturbing

    piece. Cast: Two males. Running time: 5 minutes.

•  Performed January 2005 and April 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Produced by No Shame Theatre as part of National Best of No Shame at Picolo Spoleto arts festival, Charleston, S.C., June 2005.
• Produced by The Best of the Best of No Shame Theatre, staged at University of Iowa, Iowa City, Iowa, October 2006.

• Staged reading in Soul of the Studio, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 2, 2009.

 

SHORT HAIR

A woman learns about once she cut her hair, she couldn’t use the excuse of having to wash her hair as a reason not to go out with guys. So she had to learn a new way to say no. Cast: Three females.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Nov. 4, 2011.

 * Staged reading at Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 14, 2012.

 

 

 A SHORT HISTORY OF THE BLUES
A kid shows up for his, or her, first guitar lesson and wants to learn how to play rock music. The teacher explains that first the kid must learn blues and the blues comes from years of hard luck and hard living. Dark comedy ensues. Related to “A Short History of Country Music,” “The Hard Work of the Blues” and “The Old Masters,” which contain same basic theme but with different endings. Cast of two — one non-gender adult, one non-gender child. Running time: Three minutes.

A SHORT HISTORY OF COUNTRY MUSIC
A kid shows up for his, or her, first guitar lesson and wants to learn how to play country music. The teacher  explains that true country music comes from years of drinking and cheating and hard luck and hard living. Dark comedy ensues. Related to “A Short History of the Blues,” “The Hard Work of the Blues” and “The Old Masters,” which contain same basic theme but with different endings. Cast of two — one non-gender adult, one non-gender child. Running time: Three minutes.

 

SIGNS FOLLOWING
The minister of a snake-handling pats a box of snakes and speaks to the audience about his plan. He suspects his wife is having an affair, so he plans to test her faith the following morning in church by making her hold a poisonous snake. If she dies, it’s a sign from the Lord that she had been unfaithful. Cast: One or two males, depending on which version you use. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 2007.

 

THE SINGULAR ADVENTURES OF PROFESSOR MORGAN FAIRWEATHER, AFRICAN EXPLORER
A man posing as an African explorer in 19th century London is exposed by a precocious newsboy. In turn, the fraudulent explorer offers the boy a most interesting bribe. Dark comedy. Cast: At least six — 2 adult males, 1 juvenile male, 3 females, with opportunity for multiple other men with no lines. Running time: Five minutes.

 

SITTING PRETTY
Almira Gulch explains why she’s such a mean person. It all goes back to childhood. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: One female.

* Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., July 3,, 2010.

 

SIX-FINGERED WILLIE
Two guys in a bar admire a guitar player who has six fingers. But one of the men is upset that the girls swarm over him, and darkly decides to do something about it. Cast: Two males. (Alternate version has two males and one female.) Running time: Two minutes.

  THE SKATE PARK GIRLS

     Two girls at a skate park compare notes on the hot skaters. Their eyes

     turns to a mystery skater, whom they think is male but turns out to be

     female. A gender-bending lark. Cast: Three females. Running time: Five

      minutes.

 

SKINNED, or Lisa’s Nipple Rings
A tattoo artist is devastated when one of the women he has worked on is killed in a motorcycle wreck — so two of his friends conspire to come up with a way to save his artwork — by removing her skin. Cast: Four — one female, three male. Running time: Five minutes.
• Staged reading April 2006 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

THE SLAVE-POETS OF HELLMARK
In one version, the scene appears to depict the galley of a Viking ship, with a Viking taskmaster whipping the slaves. In the other version, the scene appears to depict hell, with the devil tormenting his victims. In both, however, they are actually poets writing poetry. And, in the end, the setting is revealed to be a greeting card company, with these the people in charge of writing the inscriptions. Cast: Seven — 1 male, 6 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading December 1, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Staged reading March 31, 2007 as part of the Best of No Shame Theatre at  No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va

SNAP
A man explains why he committed a heinous and random murder — the victims were happy, and he can’t stand the sight of happy people. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

 SO VANILLA

A blind date is going really well until the couple orders dessert. She orders vanilla; he insists that’s not a flavor. She thinks it’s exquisite. He thinks it’s plain. Arguments, and comedy, ensues. Comes in several versions or, er, flavors. Cast: Two or three, depending on which version you use. If two, one male, one female. If three, one male, one female, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

SOLD TO A BAND OF GYPSIES, or, Magic Beans
A very different take on the magic beans of beanstalk fame. In this scene, a lad returns home and tells his mother he’s sold the cow for a good price — but also traded his little brother to some gypsies for magic beans. Then the scene switches to the gypsy caravan: What happens to the boy? Beneath the dark, demented humor is a serious lesson about ignoring cultural stereotypes and “thinking outside the box.” Cast: Six — Four male, two female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

SOME HIGHER PURPOSE

A dark scene about a clairvoyant child who falls under the influence of a small-time mobster, and is put to work predicting the outcome of sports events. Cast: Three — 1 adult male, 1 adult female, 1 child of either gender. Running time: 5 minutes.

 

SOMEDAY IN BROOKLYN
A young boy in 1958 mourns for the Brooklyn Dodgers, and wonders if the borough will ever get a team again — a modern-day nod to the Brooklyn Nets basketball team. Cast: Three, one adult female, one adult male, two juvenile males.

 

THE SOUL OF A WRITER (versions 1 and 2)
A writer explains what his muses are like. A screaming banshee. A nagging mother-in-law. A demon from the fiery depths of hell. Two different versions available. Cast: Five or six, depending on the version. If five, two male, two female, one non-gender. If six, three male, two female, one non-ender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading of Version 1 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 25, 2008.

 

SOULS IN FLIGHT
A suicide bomber detonates himself outside an American military base, killing two soldiers. Now their three souls are floating upwards together. Cast: Three — two males, one non-gender.

 

 SPEAKING IN TONGUES
A conservative minister speaks to his congregation, warning them against the dangers of a bilingual service. The congregation interrupts him with questions. Cast: At least five, as many as 19 — 1 male, the rest non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE SPECIAL ORDER SHOE

A handsome prince, Cinderella, and a clerk at a shoe store. Cast: Three – one male, one female, one non-gender.

 

SPEED-DATING THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST
The Wicked Witch explains her bad luck with men, with unfortunate consequences for three particular ex-suitors, who wind up being turned into a scarecrow, a tin man and a cowardly lion. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Four — one female, three male. Running time: Five minutes.

* Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., July 3,, 2010.

 

THE SPERM DONOR

After a couple’s son is killed in an accident, they harvest his sperm – and now try to find a woman willing to conceive his child. Inspired by a true story. Cast: Three – one male, two female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 2, 2012.

 

THE SPIDER AND THE FLY

A woman who thinks she’s a spider meets a man at a party who’s a fly on the wall. Bad things happen. Cast: Two – one male, one female.

 

 

SPIT

For adults only: A man complains to police that a woman stole his sperm and used it to make herself pregnant. Based loosely on a true story. Also comes in a one-page version by the same name. Cast: Three — two male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed October 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

    Roanoke, Va.

 

SPORKS
A new employee visits the company cafeteria for the first time and discovers it’s stocked with sporks. The new employee is outraged, and makes the case to fellow workers why the spork represents corporate greed and oppression. Chaos, and comedy, ensue. Cast: Five — all non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading February 2007 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

• Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. July 14, 2007.
• Classroom performance at Spring Hill High School, Longview Texas, May 2013.  

 

STANDING UP TO THE MAN
Three blades of grass contemplate the futility of trying to grow in a yard that’s about to be mowed. One sees it as a useless act; the other sees it as a revolutionary act. Cast: Three.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, September 2009.

 

A STAR FOR JENNY / NO STAR FOR JENNY

A monologue by a mother whose teenage daughter was killed in a car wreck. There are two versions here – each has a different ending. “A Star for Jenny” has the star lit up for someone killed by a drunk driver. “No Star for Jenny” does not. Cast: One female, 40s or 50s. Running time: Less than five minutes.

 

STARSCRAPERS
An architect describe his dream to build mankind’s greatest structure, only he’s now stuck designing subdivisions. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 15, 2010.

 

START ‘EM EARLY
A high school athletic booster pays off a kindergarten teacher to get the height and weight records of the kids — so they can be groomed for their athletic potential. A dark comedy. Cast: Two — one male, one female.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 14, 2011.

 

THE STATUE
A college president drinks himself into a stupor over a scandal involving the football coach. Cast: Two: One male, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 27, 2012.

 

STRANGE VEGGIES
A man hires a kid to help him spy on his neighbors garden, because both are competing to grow the strangest-shape squash in the county. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one male child. Running time: Five minutes.

 

STRETCH MARKS TO SKID MARKS

A dark monologue, in which the mother of a teen-ager killed in a car wreck visits the scene of the accident the morning after. Cast: One female. Running time: Three minutes.

 

STRONG AS A BULL
A former major league baseball pitcher is desperate to get back in the game, so desperate he’s willing to go to any length to get his arm strength back. Bad things happen. A dark piece. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 25, 2011.

 

THE SUBVERSIVENESS OF BLONDES
A woman, who must be naturally blonde, talks about how the blonde gene is spreading and some day, we’ll all be blonde. Cast: One female. Running time: Two to three minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, January 20, 2012.

SUNSET IN NORTH DAKOTA

Two minor league ballplayers watch the sun goes down. One sees it as a metaphor for the end of his career. Cast: Two males. Running time: Under five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 2011.

 

THE SUNSHINE PATRIOTS
Two people are sitting on a bench on a warm, sunny day. But one is bundled up — fearful that sunshine will turn him, or her, into a Republican. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

SURFING
A dark comic exploration of how the Internet can waste time. In the workplace version, a man is working on a report when the Internet genie appears and entices him into a series of time-wasting activities. In the school version, it’s a student who embarks on the voyage. See also “Surfing Straight To Hell.” Cast: Three. Workplace version is 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender. School version is 1 male, 2 female. Running time: Five minutes.

SURFING STRAIGHT TO HELL
A dark comic exploration of how the Internet can waste time. A man is working on a report when the Internet genie appears and entices him into a series of time-wasting activities that ends with pornography.  See also “Surfing.” Cast: Two — 1 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading March 2007 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

 

TABLOID TABBY (cafeteria version)
A group of high school (or middle school) girls sit around a lunchroom table and discuss the day’s events — news-style. Tabloid Tabby speaks only in tabloid headlines. Hard News Hattie wants just the facts. Analyzing Anna analyzes everything. And Breaking News Brittany rushes in with new developments. Is this a look at high school gossip or a critique of the media? I t could be both. Or neither. Note there are two slightly different versions of this script. Cast: One version has five females; other version has six females. Running time: Five minutes.

* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

 * Produced in “Broadway on Thin Ice” by Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 7, 2010.

• TABLOID TABBY (family version)
  A family gathers around the dinner table, and discusses the day’s events, but the teen-age girl speaks only in tabloid headlines, much to the annoyance of her brother. Cast: Three or four. If three, 2 female, 1 male. If four, 2 female, 2 male, but one male has no lines. Running time: Five minutes.

THE TALK (male and female versions)
A father prepares to have ‘the talk’ with his teenage son but discovers the son knows more than he does. There’s also a female version with a mother and daughter. Cast: Two — either two male or two female. Running time: Three minutes.

* Staged reading of male version at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va. July 24, 2009.

 

 

TALKING DIRTY TO CUCUMBERS
An old man talks to the plants in his garden — by threatening some, and talking erotically to others. Similiar to “Green Thumb” and “The Lawn Boy.”  Cast: Three. Two senior males, one senior female. Female version is two senior females, one senior male.

THE TALKING HOUSE
The house of the future is so computerized that it senses the occupant’s needs and can interact with the residents. This scene envisions what that will be like. Cast: Two — one female, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, spring 2008.

 

 

TAX WORDS
A child watches his or her father work on the taxes — and learns a lot of new words. Bad words, mind you, but new words. Cast: Three — one adult male, one adult female, one juvenile non-gender Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. March 13, 2009.

 

THE TEACHERS’ TABLE

The boys basketball coach laments the lack of height on the team, and gets excited when he hears about a very tall fifth-grader – only to find out the youngster is a girl. Cast: Four – three female, one male.

 

TEMPERATURE CRIME
A look at a dark future in which global warming has turned Yukon into a wheat-growing zone — except that the temperatures are still rising and mankind has no further place to go. Cast: Two — one male, one female.

 

THE TEN PROCESS CHANGES
Moses has just finished presenting The Ten Commandments to a corporate board of directors, which then proceeds to discuss them in terms of employee relations (the ban on adultery is a morale killer) and cost-benefit analysis. Cast: Six — one male, one female, four non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

TENTACLES
A dark science fiction monologue about an alien creature that wants to have sex with a human female. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THAT RINGS A BELL (or, alternate title, THAT DOESN’T RING A BELL)

A woman tells a story about what happens when she got drunk one night. With each choice she had to make, the other player rings a bell and the woman runs through a multiple choice set of options until she gets to the one she chose. The title changes depending on which of two endings you use. Cast: Two — one female, one non-gender with no speaking role. Running time: Three minutes.

• Performed September 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

 

<p><strong>THERE IS NO WORD IN INUIT FOR ROBIN (monologue)<br></strong>An Inuit man talks about how global warming is changing the environment of his village near the Arctic Circle — robins are showing up for the first time, and their arrival signals the end of his people. <strong>Cast:</strong> One male. <strong>Running time:</strong> Five minutes.</p>

 

THESE SIGNS SHALL FOLLOW
A rural sheriff questions the preacher of a snake-handling church after the preacher’s wife died from snakebite. Was it a test of faith? Or was it murder? A serious scene about the conflict between the church and the state, between faith and desire. Cast: Two males. Running time: Five minutes.

 

A THIEF IN AMSTERDAM, 1944
The Anne Frank story from a different perspective: The thief who supposedly helped expose the Jewish refugees. Cast: Three men. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE THIN BLUE LINE (AND A LOT OF OTHER COLORS AND THICKNESSES)
A crusty old police officer hauls in some yarn bombers, and reflects wistfully on the good old days when he was busting real criminals. Cast: Five — two male, three female. (Could be reduced to cast of four, with two male, two female.) Running time: Three minutes.

 

THE THIN WALLS OF APARTMENT 3C
A woman of retirement age calls upon her young neighbor, to complain that her husband can’t hear the neighbor’s orgasms. Cast: Two women — one senior woman, one woman in her 20s or 30s.

 

<p><strong>THINKING ABOUT NOTHING (monologue version)</strong>&lt;

A monologue in which a man — or a woman — wonders why the numbers on the computer keyboard end with zero instead of starting with zero. It all has to do with the ancient Greeks.Cast: One, non- gender. <strong>Running time:</strong> Three minutes.</p>

<p><!– /wp:paragraph –></p>

<p><!– wp:paragraph –></p>

<p><strong>THINKING ABOUT NOTHING (two person version)</strong></p>

<p><!– /wp:paragraph –></p>

<p><!– wp:paragraph –></p>

<p>Mostly a monologue in which a man — or a woman — wonders why the numbers on the computer keyboard end with zero instead of starting with zero. It all has to do with the ancient Greeks. <strong>Cast:</strong> Two, both non-gender.<strong> Running time:</strong> Three minutes.</p>

<p><!– /wp:paragraph –></p>

<p><!– wp:paragraph –></p>

 

THEY’VE GOT SOUTH CAROLINA
A man thinks the palmetto tree and crescent moon on the South Carolina license plate is an Islamic symbol. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two males.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 18, 2011.

 

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED THE HARD WAY (parts 1 and 2)
A kid recites a list of things he (or she) has learned the hard way. Like don’t tie sparklers to the neighbor’s cat. And don’t try to dry off a wet gerbil in the microwave. Cast: One child, non-gender. Running time: One minute.

• Staged reading of version 1 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 21, 2007.
• Staged reading of version 2 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 5, 2007.

THE THINGS THEY DON’T TRAIN YOU FOR AT THE ACADEMY

A bawdy tale about what happened the day a truck full of sex toys wrecked and spilled its load in front of a church on Sunday morning. Told from the highway patrolman’s point of view. See also “The Highway Worker” and “Moving Violation,” which tell the same story from the point of view of the highway worker and the trucker. Cast: one male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

13 AND 39

A disturbing story about a man who plays online roleplay games and meets a young girl. Cast: One male.

•  Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., 2011.

 

THE 33RD TULIP
When it comes time to remember a tragedy, such as a mass murder-suicide, is it proper to pray for the soul of the perpetrator? A somber piece inspired by the first anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings, but which could apply to any mass casualty situation anywhere. Cast: One woman. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 18, 2008.

 

THIRTY YEARS OF BITTERNESS ON THE TONGUE
A coach attempts to motivate his high school players by making them drink vinegar — to know what the taste of defeat is like. Cast: One male, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 4, 2010.

* Staged reading at Liminal alternative artspace, Roanoke, Va. Sept. 23, 2013.

 

 THIS SUCKS
A woman talks about why she hates oral sex. A very graphic monologue; suitable for adults only. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading April 21, 2006 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 A THOUSAND SUNS OVER JERUSALEM (monologue)
A dark, political piece about nuclear weapons in the Mideast. The captain of an Israeli nuclear submarine has just gotten word that a nuclear attack has destroyed his country, and he is under orders to launch a counterstrike. Three slightly different versions available. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 16, 2007.

 

     THE THREE C’S: COSMOLOGY, COSMETOLOGY AND COSMOPOLITAN

     A photographer thinks he’s shooting the cover for a popular women’s

     magazine, but it turns out he’s taking a picture of a scientist for Cosmology

     magazine instead. Confusion ensues. Cast: Six — three males, three

     females. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE THREE MUSES GO FOR A GIRL’S NIGHT OUT
The muses complain about their respective writers and how they won’t listen to them. Cast: Three females. Running time: One minute.

 

 

     THE THREE NOT SO WISE MEN

      Three farmhands watch a strange star appear in the sky, but dismiss its 

      importance. Cast: Three males. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.,

      December 2003.

• Staged reading by Southside Virginia Community College, Keysville, Va., SVCC Arts Extravaganza, December 2004
• Produced by First Presbyterian Church, Batesville, Arkansas, December 2005.

THROW BACK THE LITTLE ONES
A fish story. A group of fish mourn the disappearance of a baby fish — snagged on a hook — but the fisherman tosses him back because he’s too small, causing great rejoicing among the fish. Cast: Five — one female, three non-gender, one juvenile male. Running time: Two minutes.
* Produced by North Hunterdon High School, Annandale, New Jersey, May 2022

 

THUNDERSTICK

A monologue about a baseball bat.  Cast: One.

 

 

 

 TICKING
A man takes a woman on a date, and keeps hearing a loud, ticking sound. It’s the sound of her biological clock. Comedy ensues, mostly from the man’s point of view. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
      • Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.,     September 2006.

 

THE TIME THIEF

Two people meet at a bar. One of them hordes a bottle, suspiciously — and reveals that it contains time that has been siphoned away from people have pleasurable moments. Cast: Two, non-gender, but best with both of the same gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

TIME FOR AN UPGRADE

A teen-age girl describes catching her mother having an adulterous affair and uses the knowledge to blackmail her. Cast: One female. Running time: Three minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. July 13, 2012.

THE TIMIDITY AND TEMPTATION OF CLARK GRIFFITH

Based on a true story: In the early 1940s, Clark Griffith, the owner of the Washington Senators flirted with breaking baseball’s color line. But he didn’t through with it. Cast: Three males, at least two of them white. Running time: Three minutes.

 

THE TIN WOMAN

We know all about the tin man. What about the tin woman?  Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed at Fincastle United Methodist Church talent show, Fincastle, Va., Feb. 8, 2012.

TOMATO RICE RIDES AGAIN

An ode to Campbell’s Tomato Rice Soup, now hard to find. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 18, 2011.

TOO FAT TO FUCK

Thanksgiving reminds the narrator of sex. Why? Because agribusiness has bred turkeys to produce so much meat that they can no longer reproduce naturally. See also “Turkey Day.” Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., December 5, 2008.

 

THIS TOWN AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US
What starts out as a comic western gunfight scene turns into . . . well, two gunslingers trying to match each other on how to make the town bigger. One pushes residential development, the other commercial development. Cast: Five — four male, one female, or four – three male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., fall 2008.
• Produced by Lakeshore Players 5^th Annual Ten-Minute Play Festival, White Bear Lake, Minnesota, June 4-7, 2009.

 

TRIBUTE
The leader of a tribute band is confronted by two fans who are convinced he’s really the star in disguise. A dark comedy. Cast: Three — one male, two non-gender, best played as males. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 10, 2009.

 

THE TRAGEDY OF MICK FAIRWEATHER
What if a rock star from the ‘60s or ‘70s faked his death so well everyone believed it? And then, what if it changed his mind and attempted a comeback — and no one believed it was him? Cast: Three males.

 

THE TROPHY WIFE

      A big-game hunter comes home to find his trophy wife is cheating on him

      with his taxidermist. He kills her and orders her head mounted. Cast: Five

• four male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.
• Performed November 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

 

THE TROPHY WIFE (the documentary version)

In a series of flashbacks, characters tell a horrifying tale — a prominent real estate developer and big game hunter catches his young “trophy wife” having an affair with his taxidermist. He kills her, then orders the taxidermist to mount the head.  A very dark scene. Cast: Six — 1 female, 4 male, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five to eight minutes..

 

A TRUCKER’S TRAVELOGUE
A professional truck driver describes the country he sees — and it’s different from the one most tourists see. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE TRUE STORY OF JOHNNY APPLESEED
The Historical Revisionism Channel takes a second look at this American Icon — selfless planter of apples? Or a real estate speculator, drug pusher and pedophile? Cast: Six — 5 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE TRUE STORY OF TOTO
Toto speaks, and you’ll be surprised what he has to say. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Four — two male, two female.

• Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., June 19, 2010.
  * Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., July 3,, 2010.
• THE TRULY INNOCENT
  A man protests his innocence to a lawyer. The lawyer finds it hard to believe at first but then, when he realizes the man is telling the truth. At that point, the lawyer becomes excited — it’s the first time he’s had a client who wasn’t guilty. He dreams of making a legal name for himself — until the man explains he’s just the deliveryman bringing a package. Cast: Two male. Running time: Five minutes.
  * Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 26, 2007.

THE TRUTH ABOUT BROCCOLI
A mother tries to persuade her son to eat broccoli by telling him it’s really the brains of an alien. Cast: One adult female, one juvenile male.

 

 TWO KINDS OF CARS
A father teaches his son how to steal cars. A darkly comic scene. Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile male. Running time: Five minutes.

 

TURKEY DAY

A Thanksgiving dinner brings discord to an already dysfunctional family when the teen-age girl goes on a rant about how agribusiness has created a turkey too fat to reproduce naturally. See also “Too Fat to Fuck.”  Cast: Five – three male, two female. Running time: Five minutes.

TURNING OVER AN OLD PAGE
A young boy fancies himself a knight. He enlists a homeless man as his page and lays siege to a girl’s house. His mom is not amused. , much to her annoyance. Similar to “Q Stands for Quest.” Cast: Four — one juvenile male, one juvenile female, one adult male, one adult female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE TURNIP QUEEN
A woman in her 20s talks about how she became Miss Turnip Queen — a bittersweet look back at a childhood of entering beauty pageants, and losing all of them. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

     THE ULTIMATE VALENTINE’S DAY PRESENT

     A young couple professes their love by asking a doctor to switch their hearts.

     A dark comedy. Cast of three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender. Running

    time: 5 minutes.

•  Performed February 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

 

UNCLE WILLIE WAS A REPUBLICAN
It’s a few days before an election and two Democratic pollworkers are going through a cemetery, making a list of names from headstones so they can “vote” those names. They come across the name of one man who was a loyal Republican, and they debate the ethics of casting his posthumous vote for the Democrats. Cast: Two males, or, in a few versions, four males. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 2007.

UNDER THE MONSTER’S BED
The tables have been turned: This time it’s the monster who’s afraid to go to sleep because of what’s under the bed — a kid who emerges to scare him in the night. Cast: Three — 2 adult males,1 non-gender child. Running time: Three minutes.

 

THE UNIFORM (five minute version)
A coach cuts a player from the team, gently letting him down by saying he just doesn’t have a uniform available for him. The player misunderstands, and makes his own — then shows up at practice with a makeshift uniform. Cast: Two males. (See monologue version under one-minute pieces.)

 

 

THE UNOPENED VALENTINE
A widow packing to move into a retirement home finds a valentine from her youth — a valentine she never opens. She wonders whether she should open it. Was it from some secret admirer, whose romantic overtures she missed? Would her life have turned out differently had she opened it at the time? Cast: One female, senior citizen. Running time: Five minutes.

VALEDICTORIAN

A high school valedictorian gives his speech – and explains why he had such a high grade point average. He then comes to regret his decision to study so much. Cast: One, non-gender.

• Staged reading at Liminal art gallery reading series, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 21, 2013.

 

 

VALUES AIR

A pilot dies on a commercial airline flight. Two passengers volunteer to fly the plane. But which one shares the values of the passengers? Should it matter? Cast: Eight, four male, four non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 31, 2008.

* Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 11, 2009.

 

 THE VIKING FUNERAL OF HAROLD OLAFSON
A young assistant at a funeral home misunderstands a widow’s instructions. Her husband was a Minnesota Vikings fan and she wanted that reflected in his services. Instead, what she gets is a full-on Viking funeral. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two males.

• Produced as radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle, Washington, April 16, 2013.

* Produced at Cone Man Running, Houstin, Texas, June-July 2021

 

     THE VIRGIN SACRIFICE

      A young woman is bound and gagged to a chair, while two mysterious

      figures debate how to sacrifice her. Cast: Three — 2 female, 1 non-   

      gender. Running time: 5 minutes.

• Performed November 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

       Roanoke, Va.

 

VOICE MAIL HELL

The devil checks in with his office, and gets trapped in, yes, voice mail hell. A spoof on phone systems. Cast: Three, either one male, two female or two male, one female. There are both male and female versions, depending on the gender of the devil’s customer. Running time: Five minutes.

• Performed October 2005 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
• Produced May 2006 by Renaissance Theatre Guild in San Antonio, Texas.

 

THE WANNABE RUSTLERS
Two suburban girls pine to be Old West outlaws. Cast: Two females. Running time: Three minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 6, 2012.

 

WANTED: ONE NIGHTSTAND

The importance of punctuation. A woman advertises online for a one night stand. What she gets is a man peddling one nightstand. Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
If you say “Seasons Greetings” or “Happy Holidays,” is that the same as saying “Merry Christmas” or does it signify an attempt to diminish the meaning of the holiday? That question plays out in a suburban home, as a man counts what kind of Christmas cards his neighbors sending him. A comedy. Cast: Four or five — Two or three female, two male. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 14, 2007.

 

  WAR CRIMES
Years from now, a CIA agent who interrogated prisoners at Guantamo Bay is working in his yard when he senses someone approach. He fears it’s someone coming to arrest him for war crimes. Instead, it’s a neighbor kid who wants to mow the yard? Cast of two: One adult male, one juvenile male.

 

    A WARM BODY

      Three figures — perhaps human, perhaps not — roam an alley at night,

      trying to find something to eat. An absurdist play that should be done in

      darkness, with only flashlights for lights. Cast: Five — one male, one  

      female, three non-gender.  Running time: Five minutes

• Produced at James Madison University, Harrisonburg, Va., 1979.

<p>&nbsp;<strong>WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP<br></strong>A man returns home from work to find his child sitting there with a bar of soap in his or her mouth. An inquiry ensues. (Also comes in one-minute version.) &nbsp;<strong>Cast:</strong> Three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 child, non-gender. <strong>Running time:</strong> Five minutes.</p>

A WASTE OF MARBLE

A dark, futuristic piece. A new government has taken over and ordered all statues destroyed and turned into gravel for roads. Two members of the old regime are on the road gang charged with busting rocks, secretly hoping to spot some tiny pieces of former great works of art. Cast: Three.

 

WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP
A man returns home from work to find his child sitting there with a bar of soap in his or her mouth. An inquiry ensues. (Also comes in one-minute version.)  Cast: Three — 1 male, 1 female, 1 child, non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
        • Performed November 24, 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

 

THE WEAKEST FINGER
An adulterous couple meet in a restaurant, and the man points out to the woman that the weakest finger is the ring finger – all seductively, of course.  Cast: Two — 1 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THIS WESTERN INFIDEL SANTA MUST DIE
A dark, serious piece: Santa is kidnapped by terrorists. The masked terrorists appear to be Islamic — but in the end are revealed to be Christians concerned about the commercialization of Christmas. Cast: Five — four males, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

      WHAT ABOUT ALL THE GOOD THINGS HITLER DID?

     An anti-smoking monologue that deals with how German scientists during

     World War 2 were the first to make the definitive link between smoking and

     lung cancer. See also “The Anti-Smoking Nazis.” Portions in this script could

     be offensive to some. Five alternate endings. Cast: One, non-gender.

     Running time: 5 minutes.

• Performed May 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

 

WHAT ANIMALS DREAM

Some dream of revenge against humans. A dark monologue. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: 5 minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 2010

 

WHAT THE DEVIL HAS FOR BREAKFAST

A customer’s order comes $6.66 – and the devil appears. Cast: Three – One male, two non-gender.

 

WHAT THE DISH SAID TO THE SPOON
Their runaway romance ends badly. Cast: Three males. (You can add a fourth, a female, if you want to show the broken dish.) Running time: Five minutes.

 

WHAT I LEARNED IN PARAGUAY
A man describes how he tried to introduce baseball to Paraguay but wound up getting stung by fire ants, instead. Cast: One male. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 22, 2010.

 

 

WHAT THE DEVIL?!
A game show in which contestants stake their soul — if they win, they go to heaven. If they lose, they go to hell. And the rules seemed rigged in hell’s favor. A car thief takes his chances on the show. Cast: Six — 5 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

 

WHEN THE BIRDS ARE GONE
A scene set in the future, after most birds have been exterminated for fear of spreading a dangerous disease. Cast: Two — 1 non-gender adult, 1 non-gender child. Running time: Three minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., October 2005.

WHEN DID VLADIMIR KOMAROV KNOW HE WAS GOING TO DIE?

A tribute to the first man to die in the course of a spaceflight. Cast: One, non-gender.

 

WHITE FACES IN KANSAS CITY, 1945
A piece about Jackie Robinson, set in Negro League baseball as Major League scouts were scouting Robinson. Cast: Two black males. Running time: Five minutes.

WHITE GOES FIRST
Two chess players — one black, one white — are preparing for a match, when the black player complains that the white pieces always go first. Cast: Two males, one black, one white. Running time: Two minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., March 30, 2007.

• Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 26-27, 2007.

* Produced by Dumas Arts Festival, Roanoke, Va., February 22, 2008.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, by Dumas players, February 22, 2008.

• Staged reading in Soul of the Studio, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 2 and 3, 2009.
• Staged reading at Liminal Gallery, Community High School, Roanoke, Va., January 16, 2012, Martin Luther King Jr. Day event.

 

WHITE LIES

A couple, in the very early stages of dating, visit a popular tourist site – a giant neon star. She has some painful experiences to work through. Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: About three minutes.

 

WHO’S ON NOTHING

A look at the infinity and the nature of God. Two people — either in an office or perhaps college roommates — are working side by side on computers. One studies their keyboard and wonders why the zero comes after nine and not before the one. It has to do with the ancient Greeks,and their disbelief in infinity. Parts of this will harken back to the famous “Who’s On First?” routine. Cast: Two, both non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

WHY DON’T FIRE-BREATHING DRAGONS BURN THEMSELVES TO TOAST?
A professor sketches out his theories on fire-breathing dragons and their fuel source. At least one of his students is skeptical. Cast: Four, all non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

 

WHY MY SCIENCE PROJECT ISN’T DONE YET
A kid tries to explain to the teacher why his (or her) science project wasn’t finished. Seems the topic was to determine whether cats really do land on their feet (or, in an alternate version, whether cats really do have nine lives.) Cast: One non-gender child. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE WIND FARM

An old man is convinced the government wants to build wind turbines on his farm as a way to protect against vampires. Cast: One male.

 

WITHOUT YOU, I’M NOTHING
A muse has dumped her writer, because he won’t listen. He begs for her to take him back, but she’s already taken up with a new guy. Played out in a bar scene. Cast: Five — 4 male, 1 female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM ELVIS
A man decides to be an Elvis impersonator, even though he looks nothing like the king. His angle: He’ll be Elvis in the federal witness protection program. Cast of two males. Running time: Five minutes.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 14, 2008.

 

THE WIZARD ARRIVES IN OZ
The future Wizard of Oz crash lands in his balloon and is greeted by a crowd of curious Munchkins. A travelling huckster back in Kansas, the future wizard takes advantage of munchkin gullibility and passes himself off as the wizard’s helper. Part of “The Other Side of Oz.” Cast: Four — one male, one female, two non-gender.

 

THE WIZARD IN KANSAS
A travelling huckster — the future Wizard of Oz — tries to peddle his wares to a small-town crowd in Kansas. He doesn’t do very well, and then finds his sales pitch interrupted by a tornado. This is how he gets blown to Oz. Cast: Four males with speaking roles, plus assorted townspeople. Part of “The Other Side of Oz”

• Produced at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio Camp, Roanoke, Va., June 19, 2010.
• * Produced by the Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio, Roanoke, Va., July 3, 2010.

 A WOMAN’S WORD VERSUS A MACHINE
A dark, serious piece about rape. A woman alleges she was assaulted by her household robot. But the company claims it was not a fault of product design. Cast: Two — one male, one female.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., spring 2012.

 

THE WOMEN OF DEEP SPACE PAY A VISIT TO EARTH AND DON’T LIKE

    WHAT THEY SEE

    An alien space ship from a civilize where women are the natural leaders

    inspects Earth and finds its male-dominated society too primitive to be of

    much use. Two alternate endings, including one where the female aliens

    order. Earth disinfected of its people. Cast of four females. Running time:   

    Five minutes.

• Performed May 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre,

     Roanoke, Va.

• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

* Performed at Kevin Jones Performing Arts Studio summer acting camp showcase, Roanoke, Va. June 30, 2007.

 

THE WOMEN OF MERCURY

An alternative history: What if the original Mercury astronauts had been women instead of men? Cast: At least six: Two adult females, three non-gender adults, one male child.

Cast of at least six – two adult females, three non-gender, one male child.

 

     WOMEN OF THE UNIVERSE, UNITE!

     A commentary on the status of women, starring two female space aliens.

     Both are cleaning ladies on an alien spaceship, but the one envisions

     herself the commander. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.

•  Performed July 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.

    

THE WORST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER

Everything that could go wrong has. Cast: Three. Best as one male, one female, one non-gender.

·         Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 21, 2012

 

WRESTLE MY DEMONS
A patient shows up at a group therapy session with three demons on a leash, and announces he’s here to wrestle his demons. They misbehave. A dark comedy. Two versions available. Cast: Variable. Each version has a basic cast but needs others for extras.. Version one has five characters featured — 4 male, 1 non-gender. Version two has seven or nine characters featured. They are either 4 male, 2 female, 1 non-gender or 5 male, 3 female, 1 non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., January, 2007.

 

A WRITER CATCHES HIS MUSE CHEATING
The muse has given ideas to other writers. The writer accuses her of cheating on him. Argument, and comedy, ensue. Cast: Two –one male, one female. Running time: Five minutes.

 

   
THE YARN BOMBERS
A  teen-age girl bails her mother out of jail after she was arrested for a yarn bombing. The daughter lectures the mother and comedy ensues. Cast: Two females.

• Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. April 13, 2012.

  YE AND TRULY: THE HISTORY OF ROCK’N’ROLL

      A man cleaning out his garage stumbles upon some old albums, and

      recounts the history of rock’n’roll. His wife disabuses him of any wild

      notions, but his child is inspired. Cast: 3 — 1 male, 1 female, 1 juvenile of

      either gender.  Running time: Five minutes

• Performed at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.,

      October 2003.

• Performed as classroom assignment at Colorado Film Institute, Denver, Colorado, April 2004.

 

    THE YEAR DAD FINALLY LOST IT AT CHRISTMAS (five-minute version)

    A man gets fed up with his wife complaining that the family’s Christmas

    decorations don’t measure up with the neighbors, so he takes action —

    and chops don’t the tree in the neighbor’s yard. This comes in a 5-minute

    version and a 1-minute version:

    Five-minute version:

    Cast: Five — 2 male adults (one off-stage only), 1 female adult, 1 female   

    child, 1 male child. Running time: 5 minutes.

    Also a one-minute-version:

    Cast: Four — 1 male adult, 1 female adult, 1 female child, 1 male child.

    Running time: 1 minute.

• Five-minute version performed at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.,   December 2004.

YES, NO, MAYBE

Two protesters, on different sides, meet on a park bench. Two versions. Version 1 is two people, both non-gender. Version 2 is three people, all non-gender.

 

YOU CAN’T FIGHT CITY HALL

A man tries. And fails. Cast: Two males.

 

YORICK
The jester — remembered only as the famous skull in “Hamlet” — reflects upon his life, and how Shakespeare has chosen to remember him. Cast: one male. Running time: Two minutes.

 

YOU JUST CAN’T GET GOOD HELP THESE DAYS

This appears to be a business seminar on the importance of reducing absenteeism – with a case study. The case study is an escort service. Cast: Two – one male, one female. Running time: Three minutes.

 

YOUR GARDEN-VARIETY  DOMINATRIX
A woman explains why she likes gardening: It gives her a sense of control. She describes that control in vaguely sexual terms and ends by cracking a whip. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

  * Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., August 2007.

YOU’RE WEARING THAT?!
A short two-act. In act one, a mother tells her teen-age daughter that what she’s wearing is inappropriate and sends her back to change. In act one, the scene is repeated, except this time is the daughter telling the mother the same thing. Cast: Two females — one adult, one teen-ager. Running time: Five minutes.

 

     YVONNE’S WORST FEARS

     A young woman meets an older man on the Internet for kinky sex. While

     she’s handcuffed to the bed, he goes into the next room; there’s a groan, a

     thud, and she thinks he’s died of a heart attack. For adults only. Cast: Two —

    1 male, 1 female, plus several female voices off-stage. Running time: 5

    minutes.

• Produced at Post 5, Portland, Oregon, May 23-June 25, 2012.

ZEUS, UNEMPLOYED
The king of the Greek gods finds himself unemployed. He presents him at the unemployment office, and comedy ensues. There are three versions — one with the case worker being oblivious to who the fellow identifying himself as a “former god” really is, another with a sarcastic caseworker and a third with an angry caseworker. Prop: You’ll need a thunderbolt and some sound effects. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

ZOE’S GOT THE BLUEZ
A young woman complains about having an “interesting” name — especially one that starts with the letter Z. Cast: One female. Running time: Five minutes.

ZOE, THE OFFICE SUPERHERO

An office faces a crisis – an important document stuck in the fax machine. Executives huddle around the device, trying in vain to unjam it. But wait – here’s Zoe, the office superhero! She knows what to do. Three alternate endings available. Cast: Five – 3 male, 2 female. Running time: Five minutes.

• Published by Eldridge Publishing, fall 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”

THE ZOO OF THE FUTURE
Set in the 22nd century, when a mad scientist has learned how to splice and dice genomes to create strange new species, with disastrous consequences. See also: “The Crime of the Centaur” and “Felicia’s Fantasy Comes to Life,” two related pieces. Cast: Three — one male, two non-gender. Running time: Five minutes.

 

ZUCCHINI ARE PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
A woman’s bountiful garden comes back to haunt her. She becomes convinced the zucchini are creatures from another planet and they’re plotting to take over this one. Cast: Two females. Running time: Five minutes.

* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va.., Sept. 25, 2009.

 * Produced as radio play by Falcon Radio Theatre, KSPU, Seattle, Washington, April 2013.