Here are some one-minute plays. Yes, they really do run a minute. Sometimes less. See below!
THE ACRONYMS OF LIFE
A woman undergoing chemotherapy recounts her life, by acronyms, from learning her ABCs to getting her MRS. Cast: One female.
THE ADVENTURES OF JOE THE LOCKSMITH
A locksmith makes an emergency housecall and finds a woman has locked up her partner during sex and can’t unlock the handcuffs. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
ALL MY PRETTY CHICKENS
A delusional man feeds a flock of imaginary chicken. Is this what happened to Shakespeare’s MacDuff after the ending of MacBeth? Cast: Two to four, depending on which ending you choose. If two, 1 male, 1 female. If four, 1 male, 3 female.
THE ANCIENT TEXTS OF LOVE
A young woman seeks out a mystic to help her find a boyfriend. The ancient text the mystic consults: “snips and snails and puppy dog tails.” Cast: Two: One female, one non-gender.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 15, 2013.
ANGEL HAIR
The devil serves dinner to a guest. The guest thinks it’s angel hair pasta. The devil corrects him (or her) — it’s actual angel hair. He has caught an angel and is cannibalizing her. Obviously, a dark scene. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender.
APRIL IS THE CRUELLEST MONTH
A monologue about how hopes in the new baseball season die quickly. Cast: One, non-gender.
THE ASYLUM SEEKERS
A group of American refugees tries to sneak into Canada to seek political asylum. Among their number: The Statue of Liberty. Cast: At least four – three non-gender, one female.
AUDITION MONOLOGUE
A humorous monologue, with dramatic range.
* Produced by Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Halifax, U.K., June 5, 2009.
BACKSTAGE AT ELSINORE WITH THE PLAYERS
A comic look at what the travelling troupe of players in Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” might have had to say once they got offstage. Cast: Three — two male, one non-gender.
Performed February 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
Published by Eldridge Publishing, fall 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
A BETTER MOUSETRAP
Three mice inspect a new mousetrap. Things happen, mostly bad.Cast: Three, non-gender.
THE BIGFOOT SIGHTING
A TV reporter interviews a professor, who doubts the existence of Bigfoot, even though one is jumping around all over the stage. Cast: Three or more – one male, two or more non-gender.
* Produced as part of GI60, Gone in Sixty Seconds Festival, New York, 2016
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES, THE FROGS AND THE TOADS
A queen and her princess have an adult conversation about frogs and handsome princes. Cast: Two females — one adult, one teen-age.
BOLIVIA!
A geopolitical lesson, delivered as a rant by a woman against a man who has committed some grievous sin. Cast: One female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. June 3, 2011.
* Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 8, 2011.
* Produced virtually by Open Eye Theater on Main Street, Margaretville, New York, July 2020
* Produced virtually by Talking Horse Productions, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 2020
* Produced virtually by Queen of Cups, London, UK, October 2020
A BOLIVIAN DELICACY
One unusual dish in Bolivia is cow penis soup. Two American travellers encounter it on a menu and have different reactions. Cast: Two women.
BOOKED
A kid thinks his (or her) father must be a novelist because he’s always talking about “making book.” Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile of either gender.
BOOSTERS
A wry look at the world of big-time college football, in which boosters give secret payoffs to players. This is told through the eyes of a high school girl being recruited to play field hockey. Cast: Two females.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 2, 2011.
BOYS HAVE COOTIES (straight version)
A girl takes a boy to a laboratory to have a scientist analyze him before she agrees to a date. Cast:Three — one male, one female, one non-gender. See also “Girls Have Cooties.”
* Produced at Brooklyn College, New York, “Gone in 60 Seconds,” June 13-14, 2008.
BOYS HAVE COOTIES (gay version)
A girl takes a boy to a laboratory to have a scientist analyze him, but still isn’t happy with the results. A gay-themed script. See also “Girls Have Cooties.” Cast: Four — one male, two female, one non-gender.
BRUSH YOUR TEETH
When a body is burned beyond recognition and authorities must resort to DNA test, one of the first things they ask for is the victim’s toothbrush. Cast: One non-gender.
BUSIER THAN
Two guys who haven’t seen each other for awhile compare notes about how busy they’ve been. It consists of a series of “busier than — “ cliches. Cast: Two males (can be cast as female.)
Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Halifax, UK, June 16, 2012.
THE BUZZARD AS RESTAURANT CRITIC
Why buzzards don’t make good restaurant critics. Cast: Three, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
THE BUZZARD RESTAURANT
A diner visits Chez Vulture. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: Very much under one minute.
CALL IT BOTH WAYS
An umpire heckles the fans. Cast: Three males. Running time: One minute.
THE CALL OF THE OPEN ROAD
Two chickens discuss why they should cross the road. Both a long version and a one-minute version. Cast: Two, non-gender.
THE CAMELS’ TALE
The camels of the three wise men wonder where they’re going. Cast: Three.
A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS
A man threatens to open the proverbial can of whoop-ass. Except this time, it’s not so proverbial. Cast: Two males.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Sept. 28, 2012.
THIS IS THE CAPTAIN SPEAKING
An airline pilot addresses his passengers, warning them of some danger ahead. Is he suicidal? Cast: One male
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 25, 2012.
THE CAT IN THE WINDOW CONTEMPLATES THE PHYSICS OF FLIGHT
A cat sits in a window, watching birds. The cat despises them because they can fly. Cast: One, non-gender.
Produced by Harrogate Theatre, North Yorkshire, England, June 2005 as part of “Gone in 60 Seconds” festival.
CATS ALWAYS LAND ON THEIR FEET
A kid experiments. An unseen friend, several stories up, drops cats to the ground. The kid, armed with clipboard, analyzes the unfortunate results. Cast: One child, non-gender.
CAULIFLOWER TRICKS
A mother tries to trick her child into eating cauliflower by telling the kid it’s zombie food. Cast: Two — one adult female, one non-gender child.
A CERTAIN ORDINARY MONDAY
A September 11 memorial piece, in which the narrator longs for what life was like on the day before the terrorist attacks. Includes an optional song at the end to the tune of “Amazing Grace.” Cast: One or two, both non-gender.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.,September 2006.
CHAMPAGNE STINGS
An aging baseball player longs to win a championship, and feel the sting of champagne. Cast: One male.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, October 2011, Roanoke, Va.
THE CHE GUEVERA T-SHIRT
A kid dressed in a Che Guevara T-shirt declares his revolutionary principles to his parents, who are unimpressed. He still has to clean his room. Cast: Three — one non-gender kid, one male adult, one female adult.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.; spring 2008.
CHEMISTRY AND BIOLOGY
On a warm summer night, a young man and a young look up at the stars. He tries to get laid. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
THE CHICKEN CROSSES MADISON AVENUE
Guess which road the chicken crossed to get to the other side. Cast: One, non-gender. .
CHICKEN LITTLE’S DNA
Why does Chicken Little think the sky is falling? Because it did fall on the dinosaurs. Cast: Three, two female, one non-gender.
THE CHICKEN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
A chicken talks about the road. Cast: One, non-gender..
* Produced at “Gone In 60 Seconds” festival, Halifax, U.K.. June 12, 2011
CHRISTMAS IN JULY
A retired couple sits and grumbles at each other. It’s July and their Christmas tree is still up. Each wants the other to take it down, and they’re too stubborn to give in. A look at how older couples become accustomed to grumbling at each other’s foibles. Cast: Two — one male, one female, both old enough to be retirees.
* Produced at Brooklyn College, New York, “Gone in 60 Seconds Festival,” June 16-18, 2006.
CHRISTMAS MUSIC
Two turkeys hear Christmas music. One think that means they’ve made it past Thanksgiving. The other points out that Christmas music starts earlier and earlier each year.
* Produced at “Gone In 60 Seconds” festival, Halifax, U.K.. June 12, 2011
* Produced by Linden Grove Theatre, Shannon, Pennsylvania, December 2020
THE CLEANSING
A dark, disturbing monologue dedicated to the victims of “ethnic cleansing” everywhere. Cast: One male.
CODE RED
A red-headed woman recounts the history of superstitions about redheads, but with a twist. Cast: One red-headed woman.
COLORS
Red and Yellow beat up Blue, causing him to change his tune. Cast: Four — three males, one non-gender. Running time: One minute.
CONDIMENTS
A television commercial for hearing aids. In the sex version, a man misunderstands a woman’s request and searches through his pocket for condiments, rather than condoms. In the restaurant version, a waiter or waitress misunderstands a customer’s request and begins describing the types of condoms available, rather than the condiments. Cast of sex version: Two or three, depending on which ending you use. One male, one female, with one non-gender character optional. Cast of restaurant version: Two or three, depending on which ending you use. Two non-gender, with 1 non-gender character optional.
A CONDOM FOR THE HEART
A young woman looks at all the types of condoms available — except the kind she feels she needs most — one to protect her heart. Cast: One female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 11, 2011.
THE CONFESSION
A woman confesses to sleeping with someone else. Except, it’s a confession to her regular blanket about sleeping with an electric blanket. Cast: One female.
COUNT
A cancer patient counts her white blood cells. Cast: One female.
COUNTING WOLVES
A person trying to get to sleep is counting sheep, when a wolf appears, dressed in sheep’s clothing. Cast: At least four – all non-gender.
COVER ALL THE BASES (monologue version)
A man sits at a bar and asks a bartender a hypothetical question — if a fellow comes home and finds his man in bed with another man, which one should he shoot? Comes in both a two-man version and a monologue version. The monologue version runs one page, the two-man version runs two. Cast of one or two males.
THE CULTURAL CONTRIBUTIONS OF SEATTLE
Two characters, Nerdstrom and Geekbot, discuss. Cast: Two males.
THE CURE FOR MELISSA’S BROKEN HEART
A woman takes her broken heart to a gypsy and gets some interesting advice on how to mend it. Cast: Two females.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 7, 2014.
CURSIVE
A kid is doing his homework — and cussing up a storm. That’s because he thought his homework was to practice his cursing, instead it was his cursive. Cast: One child, one juvenile (though you may choose to cast an adult as the juvenile so you don’t have a kid saying very bad words.)
THE DAY THE FLAG FLEW IN A WAY WE’D NEVER SEEN
A group of people are surprised to find the flag flying something other than half mast. Cast: Four, non-gender.
THE DAY THE TIGERS IN THE CIRCUS DECIDED THEY’D HAD ENOUGH
Two tigers in the circus wait backstage for the show to begin. One is content with his or her life. The other is not, and is beginning to harbor murderous thoughts toward the animal trainer. Besides this one-page version, there are several longer versions listed elsewhere. Cast: Two, non-gender.
Published by Eldridge Publishing, fall 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.<
DEEP INTO OCTOBER
A man imagines himself pitching in the World Series. Poignant and short. Cast: One adult male, one child.
* Produced at “Gone In 60 Seconds” festival, Brooklyn College, New York, N.Y. June 10-11, 2011
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 7, 2011.
* Produced at benefit for Rockaway, by Barefoot Theatre Ensemble, at Cherry Lane Theatre, New York, N.Y., Dec. 2012.
DEMONADE
It’s not a lemonade stand. It’s a demonade stand, made from real demons. Cast: Three, non-gender.
DESERT ISLAND
Two strangers are marooned on an island. Sex and dark comedy ensue. Cast: Two: One male, one female.
THE DETACHABLE SQUID
Two women having coffee remember their wild days. One reads a scientific article about the size of certain animal penises. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two females.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 10, 2012.
Produced by Lake-Sumter State College, Leesburg, Florida, April 2017.
AND THE DISH RAN AWAY WITH THE SPOON TO A CHEAP MOTEL OUT IN THE COUNTRY
A brief look at their runaway romance. Cast: Two, one male, one female.
DON’T TAKE ADVICE FROM A BUZZARD
A buzzard sitting in a tree shouts down advice to a squirrel, who is trying to cross the road. Cast: Three — two male, one non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., April 17, 2009.
#EATEN BY TIGER
A man falls into the tiger cage at the zoo. His thoughts as he’s about to be eaten: What will the Internet hashtag be? Cast: One male.
* Staged reading at Liminal, Roanoke, 2014.
ELWOOD THE RALLY POSSUM
He plays dead a lot, much like his team’s offense
Cast: Two, both male.
THE EROTICISM OF ORDINARY THINGS
How erotic can an umbrella, a toothbrush and a toaster be? We find out. Cast: Two or three – one male, one or two females.
EUROPEAN UNION
A dramatization of the famous quote that Europe will not be united economically or politically, it will be united sexually. Cast: One to eight, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 28, 2010.
EVEN ZOMBIES DRESS FOR DINNER
A mother tries to get her child to eat cauliflower by dressing up like a zombie and telling the kid it’s brains. Cast: Two — one adult female, one non-gender child.
EVERY THREE SECONDS
A woman talks about how man think about sex every three seconds. Except William, who thought it was sox. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., October 16, 2009.
EVE’S NEW BOOTS
Eve talks bad about Adam and talks up the joys of shopping for clothes.
Cast: 1 female.
EVERYBODY HAS THE SAME DREAM
How many of us have the same dream where we’re back in school, it’s the end of the semester, and we discover a class we’re enrolled in we didn’t realize we have? Cast: Four, non-gender.
EVOLVE, DAMN IT!
Two dinosaurs are trying to evolve. The female is unhappy with the male’s lack of progress. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
• Produced by Harrogate Theatre, North Yorkshire, England, May 2006 as part of “Gone in 60 Seconds” festival.
FAIRY DUST
A fairy explains how fairy dust is collected. It ain’t pretty. Cast: One female.
FALLEN STAR
A sad conversation between a star fallen from the heavens and a drunk on a park bench. Cast: Two – one man, one non-gender.
THE FAMILY TREE
A man explains to a tree why he must chop her down. Cast: Two, one male, one female.
FARMER SOUP
If people have chicken soup when they’re sick, what do chickens have? Two different versions explore this theme. Cast: Version 1 is four – one male, one female, two non-gender. Version 2 is two – non-gender.
THE FIELDS OF PENNSYLVANIA ARE BURNING
A Pennsylvania farmer from the 1860s speaks to the audience. There are two different versions of this script. In version one, he explains how Confederate soldiers raided his farm, and how that spurred him to volunteer for the Union Army just before Gettysburg. There are references to September 11, 2001 if you listen closely enough. Inversion two, the farmer is a ghost, speaking to a modern-day audience, relating his experiences at Gettysburg with those of the passengers of Flight 93. In both cases, he says, it’s the fields of Pennsylvania where Americans began to fight back. Cast: One male.
FIFTY DIGITS OF PIE
A student stands up and recites fifty types of pies. Only problem is, the teacher wanted the student to recite the mathematical pi. See also “Forty Digits of Pie.” Cast: Two, non-gender.
THE FIFTY FIRST SHADE OF GREY
A riff on the popular erotic novel. A woman tries to get her husband interested in sex, but he falls asleep. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
THE FILM CRITIC
A young filmmaker makes an artistic film. Unfortunately, it’s supposed to be the game film for the high school football team. The coach is not impressed. Cast: Two males — one adult, one teenager.
FIREBALLER
A strange little monologue about God, baseball, and dinosaurs. Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 4, 2010.
* Produced by Gone in 60 Seconds one-minute play festival, Halifax, U.K., June 2010.
FIRED
A squirrel makes a misstep on a powerline, and the buzzards rejoice. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
FISHING FOR MEN
A brooding man sits by the water, waiting on a victim to come along. Cast: Two males. Running time: One minute.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., spring 2012.
* Produced in Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, New York, June 2013.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS CAN BE MISLEADING
A space alien arrives on earth and studies earthlings sunning themselves on a beach. But the alien misunderstands, and thinks they’re cooking themselves and concludes it’s a primitive mass suicide ritual. Cast: Four — 1 female, 2 non-gender, 1 non-gender child.
Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
THE FIVE SWEETEST WORDS
A short paean to the opening of baseball season. Cast: Two males.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., 2011.
FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL EMILY
Emily finds an unusual way to advertise her tour guide service. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
FORM UP A POSSUM
Some bumbling men in the Old West mistake the sheriff’s instructions to “form up a posse.” Comedy ensues. Cast: Four males.
FORTY DIGITS OF PIE
A student stands up and recites forty types of pies. Only problem is, the teacher wanted the student to recite the mathematical pi. See also “Fifty Digits of Pie.” Cast: Two, non-gender.
THE FOUNTAIN OF TOO MUCH YOUTH
An older couple drinks from the fountain of youth — but they drink too much, and of differing amounts, and so now she’s 16 and he’s 10. Cast: One teen-age girl, one pre-teen boy.
Produced at #Next Gen, Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, New York, June 2015.
THE FREE MARKET AT WORK
A college student finds herself with bills to pay, so she turns to prostitution — and justifies it as making the free market work in her favor. Cast: One female.
FUNERAL FOR A SQUIRREL
The forest animals gather to remember a squirrel. A dark comedy with a various animals, including a buzzard. Cast: Six, all non-gender.
GENERAL TSO’S CHICKEN
A soldier steals the general’s chicken and eats it. A play on words. Cast: Two males.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Dec. 9, 2011.
THE GENETIC BOUNTY HUNTER
In the 24th century, blondes have become extinct, and a genetic bounty hunter sets out to find their recessive genes. Cast: One female.
THE GERMAN VIEW OF D-DAY
In the early morning hours of June 4, 1944, two German soldiers sleep restlessly in their bunker somewhere along the French coast. One of them thinks he hears airplanes overhead; the other is skeptical. Cast: Two males.
THE GHOST LAMP
A plea to support live theatre. Cast: One, non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Hollins University, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 6, 2009.
* Produced by Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Brooklyn College, New York, N.Y., June 12-13, 2009.
* Produced in Ghosts in 60, one-minute play festival, Halloween edition, Halifax, U.K., October 2010.
* Scheduled to be produced by Modern Classics Theatre Company of Long Island, December 16, 2022
THE GHOST TRAIN
A monologue by a man killed by a train, which hit him while he was waiting on a legendary “ghost train.” Cast: One male.
* Ghosts in 60, one-minute play festival, Halloween edition, Halifax, U.K., October 2010.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Oct. 30, 2010.
GIRLS HAVE COOTIES (straight version)
A boy takes a girl to a laboratory to have a scientist analyze her before he asks her on a date. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one non-gender. See also “Boys Have Cooties.”
GIRLS HAVE COOTIES (gay version)
A girl takes a boy to a laboratory to have a scientist analyze him, but still isn’t happy with the results. A gay-themed script. See also “Boys Have Cooties.” Cast: Four — two male, one female, one non-gender. .” Running time: One minute.
GO SIT IN A CORNER
A mother sends her troublesome daughter to sit in a corner as punishment, but finds that only makes things worse. Cast: Two females.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., May 18, 2012.<
GOD NEEDED HER
A 16-year-old girl has been killed in a traffic accident. At the funeral, the minister preaches that “God needed her” and called her home. The narrator reflects on the painful way in which the girl died, and questions whether this is really God’s way. Cast: One, non-gender.
THE GOVERNMENT’S SECRET TIME TRAVEL PROJECT EXPOSED!
Spoiler alert: It’s daylight savings time. Cast: Two, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
Produced by Asphalt Jungle Shorts, Kitchener, Ontario, September 2019
GOTS TO FEED A WOMAN
A dark scene in which two men living on the edge of existence debate whether they need a woman. The deciding factor? The line that is also the title. Cast: Two males. Running time: One minute.
* Produced at Brooklyn College, New York, “Gone in 60 Seconds Festival,” June 16-18, 2006.
GREAT THE CHEESE!
A man helping out in the kitchen misunderstands his instructions to “grate the cheese” and instead dramatically proclaims its greatness. The woman has no lines, but the best facial expressions. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., 2008.
* Produced at Brooklyn College, New York, “Gone in 60 Seconds,” June 13-14, 2008.
THE GREAT GODDESS
Three guys are at a bar. Two are talking about what the third assumes is a woman. He’s wrong. They’re about the female voice on their GPS. Cast: Three males.
THE GREAT PHILOSOPHER CHICKEN (monologue)
Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken explains. Cast: One, non-gender.
THE GREATEST SATAN
A monologue by Satan about how he objects to radical Islamists denouncing the United States as “the great Satan.” Cast: One male.
THE HALF-EATEN MOUSE
A couple finds the cat has left a half-eaten mouse on the floor. Why? The cat was expecting catnip inside. Cast: Three – one male, one female, one non-gender.
THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN AMERICA
A woman reflects on being unhappy in the happiest place in America. Cast: one female.
* Staged reading, No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Jan. 28, 2011.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DARLING
A husband and wife give voice to their innermost thoughts during routine, unimaginative, unsatisfying sex. Cast: Two – one male, one female. (No actual sex involved.)
HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY
If Columbus showed up today . . . someone knocks at the door and seizes your house. Cast: Two males.
HAROLD ANDERSON PUTS HIS AFFAIRS IN ORDER
A retiree misinterprets advice to “put his affairs in order” by making a list of women he’s like to have an affair with. His wife is not amused. Comedy ensues, briefly. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
HERE’S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CHECK YOUR SPELLING, or ANOTHER LETTER TO SANTA GOES AWRY
A child accidentally misspells Santa, so his (or her) letter winds up with Satan instead. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one adult male and one non-gender child.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., December 2008.
HEY UMP! YOU BETTER GET YOUR EYES EXAMINED!
An umpire goes to the eye doctor. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., April 16, 2010.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
A man at a bar says his doctor recommended ginger for his high blood pressure. But the doctor probably didn’t mean a red head. Versions 1 and 2 are two men, one woman; version 3 is just two men.
HITCHHIKING TO THE MOON
A female hitchhiker justifies her risk-taking by comparing herself to the astronauts and risks they take. Cast: One female.
A HOT AIR BALLOON FLOATS OVER OLD MAN LANGHORNE’S PLACE ONE TOO MANY TIMES (or, The Cultural Effects of Suburban Growth in Rural Areas)
A farmer upset about suburban growth in rural area takes out his wrath on a hot air balloon floating overhead. Cast: 1 male.
* Produced at Harvest Theatre, Toledo, Ohio, “One-Page International Play Festival,” September 2006.
HOW I BECAME AN ASTRONOMER
A naughty bit about a female astronomer — and sex. Cast of one female.
HOW TO SUMMON A DEMON
There’s an app for that now. Cast: Three, all non-gender.
I AM AN ARTIST
A young graffiti artist pleads his case to a judge that he’s not a vandal, he’s an artist. The judge is unsympathetic. Cast: Two, both non-gender, but the artist is best played as a young male. • Performed July 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
I AM NOT AN APPLIANCE
A woman explains why she objects to the term “hook up” as a euphemism for sex. Cast: One female. Running time: One minute.
I COULD HAVE BEEN A FAMOUS SCIENTIST
A kid doesn’t understand why dropping cats out of a window to see if they land on their feet is a bad idea. Related to: “Things I Have Learned the Hard Way.” Cast: One female, one non-gender child. Running time: One minute.
IF COPERNICUS HAD BEEN A CAT
Cats love the sun, and have plenty of time to think about why the sun shines through the window at different angles depending on the time of day and time of year. This cat has its own theory as to why that is. Cast: One, non-gender.
* Staged reading at Fincastle Opry and Hoe-Down, Fincastle, Va., Nov. 17, 2007.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., March 19, 2010.<
Staged reading at No Shame in the Afternoon, Roanoke City Library, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 3, 2010.
IF GALILEO HAD DROPPED TELEVISION SETS OUT OF HOTEL WINDOWS INSTEAD OF CANNONBALLS OFF THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA, JUST THINK HOW THE WORLD WOULD BE DIFFERENT TODAY
The famous Italian scientist drops television sets out of a hotel window instead of cannonballs off the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He gets arrested, and the whole history of the world is changed. Sort of. Cast: Two males.
IF PIGS HAD WINGS
Two separate versions. In one, two hunters wait in a duck blind, only to have flying pigs appear in the sky. In the other version, a farmer shows off his pig with wings to a visitor. Cast: Two. Either two males for hunter version, or one male and one non-gender for farmer version. Running time: Three minutes.
IF PLANTS COULD SCREAM
A narrator reflects on what might be the most vicious life form of all, the dodder plant. A parasitic plant, the dodder entwines its hosts and literally sucks the life out of them. Variations are “The Biology of Evil” and “The Devil’s Garden.” Cast: One, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER AD, TAKE 57
A TV ad: This service is so fast you can upload your selfie by the time you hit the bottom when you fall off a ledge taking it. Cast: Two.
INTERVIEW WITH THE OCTOPUS
Two police officers interview an octopus, accused of punching someone. Cast: Three, non-gender.
IT WORKS FOR BIRDS
A man tries dressing up and strutting around in a bar to get the attention of women. It doesn’t work. Cast: Four – two male, two female. Can be more females, enough to make a small group. Only the men have lines.
IT’S THE COW’S FAULT
Three chickens and a cow watch a chicken cross the road. Bad things happen. Cast: Four, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
JEREMY SLEEPS ALONE AGAIN
A man spooks the woman he has brought home when she learns he has a boa constrictor for a pet, and it’s slipped out of its cage. Note: The female version of this is “Ginger Sleeps Alone Again.” Same thing, characters reversed. Cast of two: 1 male, 1 female. Running time: 1 minute.
JESUS BATS RIGHT-HANDED
A guy at a baseball game sees a Hispanic player names “Jesus” and thinks he’s Jesus Christ. Cast: Two males. Running time: One minute.
JESUS CAME BACK
Except this time, he’s in pinstripes. Cast: One male.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 2, 2012.
JIMMY’S PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION
Versions 1 and 2: A boy and his sister plot how to take over the world. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: One minute.
Version 3: A classroom scene in which a teacher finds a student plotting how to take over the world. Cast: Two have speaking roles — one juvenile male, one female adult, then however many kids you need to fill out the scene. Running time: One minute.
JULIE’S CROSS
A sex poem. Cast: One, non-gender, although the meaning changes as you change genders. Running time: One minute.
JUST ONE PARTICLE
A Chernobyl widow visits her husband’s grave with a Geiger counter, hoping some trace of radiation will escape his lead-lined casket. Two: One female, one non-gender.
KEY
A sex poem about a car key Cast: One male. Running time: 1 minute.
KHESS
Two Ku Klux Klansman attempt to play chess — with both men having white pieces. It doesn’t work very well. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender. Running time: One minute.>* Produced by Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Halifax, U.K., June 5, 2009.
THE KILLER ASTEROID (observatory version)
A young observatory assistant wakes up the chief astronomer in the middle of the night to warn him that a killer asteroid is headed straight for earth. Except the assistant’s calculations are wrong. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two — one male, one non-gender. Running time: 1 minute.
KILLING TIME
One player devotes the bulk of this script to destroying clocks, each in a different way. That sets up the punchline of a script that has lots of action but just two lines, one by each character. It also has lots of clocks which must be destroyed. Cast: Two, both non-gender.
KISSING A SMOKER IS LIKE LICKING AN ASHTRAY
Two versions, one involving young adult women, the other involving two high school girls. In either version, one of the females wonder what it’s like to kiss a certain guy who’s a smoker so, playing on the old anti-smoking slogan, she licks an ashtray. Can be done erotically or non-erotically. Cast: Two females. Running time: One or more minutes, depending on how much physical action you want.
* Staged readingat No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 2006
THE LAST THOUGHTS OF D.B. COOPER
We imagine the last thoughts of the famous hijacker. Cast: One or two. If one, one male. If two, one male, one non-gender. Running time: One minute.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
A man imagines he’s God. His wife enters and reminds him all he did was change a lightbulb. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: One minute.
THE LIE IN THE SKY
Astronomers announce the sun really passes through 13 constellations, which means the zodiac now has an additional sign, which means your horoscope is wrong. That leads to talk of conspiracy. Cast: One male.
LILA HAS A FEW ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES TO WORK OUT
A mover helps a woman move her belongings into a new place anddiscovers she has her ex-husband’s penis preserved in a jar. A variation of “A Small Clue As To Why Lila’s Marriage Didn’t Work Out” and “A Young Widow Treasures a Keepsake From Her Late Husband” and “A Widow Treasures a Keepsake From Her Late Husband.” Cast:Two — 1 male, 1 female.
THE LISTS
Santa gets his naughty and nice lists mixed up. Cast: Two – one male, one non-gender.
THE LITTLE RED HEN THINKS BIG (one-minute version)
The Little Red Hen as a commodities broker. Cast: Three (one female, one male, one non-gender) or four (one female, two male, one non-gender.)
LITTLE SUGAR
A man at a bar thinks a woman is talking to him. Instead, she’s on her cellphone. Cast: Three – one male, one female, one non-gender.
* Produced at Asphalt Jungle Shorts, Kitchener, Ontario, 2016
THE LONELY STUDIES OF PROFESSOR POSSUM
A dead possum explains why possums don’t do well in physics. Cast: One, non-gender.
THE LONGEST DISTANCE
A couple looks up at the stars, but while she’s expecting romance, he’s still obsessed by not getting the last out in a game. Cast: Two, one male, one female.
LOOTING THE WAL-MART
A monologue on looting in the aftermath of a natural disaster. Inspired by Hurricane Katrina and New Orleans’ slide into anarchy, August 2005, but applicable to any situation. Cast: One male.
*Performed September 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre Roanoke, Va.
LOVE LOCKS
A man tries to cut open the love lock he and his ex had; a woman helps. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
LOVE POTIONS NUMBER ONE THROUGH EIGHT
A thief steals the elixirs that came before the Love Potion Number Nine that was immortalized in song. Interesting results ensue. Cast: Two males.
Staged reading at Liminal gallery, Roanoke, February 2015.
A MAN OF HIS WORD
A mobster interrogates a snitch at gunpoint. True to his word, the mobster doesn’t order the turncoat shot as long as the man provides information. But he had something else in mind. A very dark scene. Cast: Three males.
A MAN-TO-MAN TALK (one page version)
A father is supposed to reprimand his son for some unspecified misdeed, but instead winds up commending him. See also “A Man-to-Man Talk,” the two-minute version. Cast: Two — one adult male, one juvenile male.
THE MAN WHO ESCAPED FROM HELL
A man describes his visit to hell. Or was it the Department of Motor Vehicles? Cast: One male.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 21, 2009.
MARSHMALLOWS IN HELL
The devil says depictions of Hell have it all wrong. Some marshmallows are involved. Cast: One male.
MEDUSA’S BAD HAIR DAY
The mythical creature with snakes for hair visits a hairstylist. Cast: Two females.
MERMAIDS AND FAIRIES (monologue)
A woman recounts all the things she believes in — but she doesn’t believe her significant other on some unspecified story. Cast: One female.
MERMAIDS AND FAIRIES (duologue)
A man and woman recount all the things they believe in — but they don’t believe each other. This combines the monologue version of “Mermaids and Fairies” with “Roswell Was Real and the Moon Landings Were Fake.” Cast: Two — one male, one female. R
MERMING
A police officer finds a man fishing for mermaids in a municipal fountain. Cast: Two males.
* Produced at Gone in 60 Second Festival, Leeds, UK, 2018
THE MICE MEET THE MOUSE TRAP
Some mice encounter a mouse trap for the first time. The investigate. Comedy, and death, ensue. Cast: Four, non-gender.
MILE HIGH
A couple discusses the Mile High Club. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
MIRROR, MIRROR
A woman and her magic mirror. Two versions, one is one minute long, the other two. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
A MOMENT OF SILENCE
A minister presides over a moment of silence following some tragedy. Except there is no silence, because of all the TV news crews talking. Cast: Four, all non-gender.
MOMMY’S TAKING A NAP
A disturbing piece about a woman cheating on her husband, while her kids watch TV in the living room. She tells the kids the visitor is the Sandman, and he’s going to help her take a nap. Cast: Three, non-gender adults to play kids.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 24, 2012.
THE MOST IRRATIONAL LOVE OF ALL
A many professes his love – for the backup quarterback. Even when the back up is promoted. Cast: Two males.
THE MOST POWERFUL FORCE IN NATURE
Scientists figure out what it is: The Mother of the Bride. Cast: Seven. One female, six non-gender.
* Produced at Fast and Furious Festival, Stage Left Theater, Spokane, Washington, Feb. 2017
THE MOST ROMANTIC VALENTINE’S DAY PRESENT EVER
An adult-themed tribute to Valentine’s Day. Cast: Two women.
THE MURDERESS AND HER ATTORNEY
A woman is charged with killing her plants. Cast: Two – one female, one non-gender.
MY DAUGHTER’S HEART STILL BEATS
A mother reflects on the decision to donate her daughter’s heart after the daughter was killed in an accident. This is a monologue, but two people are required for the scene. Cast: Two females. Running time: Three minutes.
MY DREAMS
An abstract piece about fading dreams. Cast: Three, non-gender.
MY EX-MUSE
A writer tries to win back his Muse, who has left him. She’s not interested. This plays out in a bar. Cast: Four – 2 female,1 male, 1 non-gender. If necessary, all four could be female.
* Produced by Harvest Theatre, Toledo, Ohio, “One-Page International Play Festival,” September 2006.
NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH AN OCTOPUS
A very short sex comedy involving a reference to an octopus. Octopus not shown. Cast: Two men.
THE NEWLYWEDS AND THE UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT AT AIRPORT SECURITY
A couple’s wedding night and they’re having their first fight — over the incident earlier in the day when the bride’s sex toys started vibrating when the couple passed through airport security. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
THE NIGHT THE EARTH MOVED BACKWARDS
Spring forward, fall back: Daylight savings time. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
NO ONE YOU KNOW
If people have chicken soup when they’re sick, what do chickens have? Similar to “Farmer Soup.” Cast: Two, non-gender.
NO TROUBLE AT ALL
While mom is at the grocery store, dad decides the best way to keep his son (or daughter) quiet is to bind him with duct tape. Three slightly different versions, all one-page; one is comic, one is dramatic, one is somewhere in between. Cast: Three — one male, one female, one child of either gender.
* Staged reading March 2005 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
* Produced at Brooklyn College, New York, “Gone in 60 Seconds Festival,” June 16-18, 2006.
NOBODY EVER ASKS ME
A pigeon complains that nobody ever asks him/her for information in the town square. Cast: One, non-gender
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Charlottesville, Va., Dec. 8, 2018.
NOTHING MORE AMERICAN
A Fourth of July piece that explores what is truly American. Not hot dogs. Or beer. Or apple pie. Or fireworks. Or even patriotism. Cast. Two males.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. July 2, 2010.
* Produced at Lake-Sumter State College, Leesburg, Florida, April 2016.
NOTIFY NEXT OF KIN, or GOD IS DEAD
The Almighty passes on. A crowd gathers around the Supreme Being, who lies facedown, while he is pronounced dead. Cast: Four to six. If six — 2 male, 4 non-gender. If four — 2 male, 2 non-gender. Running time: One minute.
* Produced by Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Halifax, U.K., June 5, 2009.
OFFICER SMEDLEY CHECKS OUT A CALL FOR ASSISTANCE ON MAPLE LANE AND WONDERS WHAT TO SAY ON HIS REPORT
A police officer responds to a call for help at a suburban residence and finds the woman has locked up her partner during sex and can’t unlock the handcuffs. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
Produced by Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va, in One-Page Play Challenge, January 2005.
OH, THAT KIND OF FOURSOME!
The morning after, a husband and wife try to discuss the night before, when they mistakenly accepted an invitation to a sex party. Comes in four different versions. Cast: Two — one male, one female. Running time: One minute.
THE OLD MAN WITH THE HEAVY LOAD
An old man lugs a heavy sack, filled with all his regrets. Cast: Three males.
ON THE WAY DOWN
Two female skydivers are on the way down. One of them reveals she’s discovered her companion has had an affair with her boyfriend — so she’s cut her parachute lines. Although two people are on stage, the one has no lines, so this is ultimately a monologue. Cast: Two females with one male voice off-stage.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February, 2007.
* Produced in Gone in 60 Seconds festival, Harrogate Theatre, Harrogate, UK, May 11, 2007.
ONE BRIGHT SPRING MORNING IN THE GARDEN OF DESIRE
A woman peers out her window, horrified at what’s happening in her garden. She’s just read a book on pollination and, well, you know. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
THE ONLINE AFFAIR
A man and a woman – either husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend – are sitting near each other, each texting on their phones. Except each thinks they’re texting to a secret online lover, when, in fact, they’re unknowingly texting each other. Cast: Two – one male, one female – or four – two male, two female.
* Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Leeds, UK, May 5, 2015.
OREGON DONOR
A person filling out a form is confused when asked whether he or she wishes to be an organ donor — and misunderstands it be a request to be an “oregon donor.” He or she then starts producing cans of salmon and beaver pelts and a spotted owl. Cast:Two, non-gender.
ORPHEUS AND THE BIRDS
Orpheus was said to play the lyre so sweetly that even the trees and rocks were moved by its charms. But what of the birds? Cast of two: One male, who can play guitar, one female. Running time: Depends on how much music you play, but anywhere from one minute to five minutes.
PANDORA AND SCHRODINGER: WHAT’S IN THE BOX?
Pandora had her famous box. And then there’s the famous physics paradox called Schrodinger’s Cat, which involves a cat in a box. What if the two compared their boxes. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
* Staged reading at Liminal alternative artspace, Roanoke, Va., January 2013.
Produced by Asphalt Jungle Shorts, Kitchener, Ontario, Jun 6-15, 2013.
PATSY
A woman named Patsy bemoans how her name is synonymous with a weak opponent in college football. Cast: Two females.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 22, 2010.
* Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. April, 2011.
PATTY DONAHUE’S GRAVE or PUBLIC EMILY NUMBER ONE
A man prays at the grave of one of his childhood fascinations — a one-hit wonder who later died in obscurity. An older woman comes along, the dead singer’s mother. The first version uses the real name of a real singer; the second version uses a fictional band. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
PARENTS ARE SO CONFUSING SOMETIMES
A child describes how he tied sparklers to the neighbor’s cat to keep it out of his mom’s roses. Cast: Two – 1 female, 1 child.
* Performed October 2005 at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
THE PARROT’S LAMENT
A parrot wishes it could talk and says what it would say if it could. Cast: One, non-gender.
THE PENIS ENVY SUITE
Four scripts, all variations of the same script: A mover helps a woman move her belongings into a new place and discovers she has the penis of either her ex-husband or late husband preserved in a jar. The scripts are: “A Small Clue As To Why Lila’s Marriage Didn’t Work Out,” “Lila Has a Few Anger Management Issues To Work Out” and “A Young Widow Treasures a Keepsake From Her Late Husband” and “A Widow Treasures a KeepsakeFrom Her Late Husband.” Cast: Two — 1 male, 1 female.
PICK ME! PICK ME!
Two lobsters in a restaurant tank. One lobster – unaware of what’s to come — is trying desperately to get picked. Cast: Two, non-gender.
PICKING UP STARS
A woman picks up stars that fallen from the sky: Cast: One female.
PILOT
The pilot of a Third World dictator talks about what it’s like to fly his passenger – and now the man who overthrew him. Cast: One male.
THE PILL WE REALLY NEED
A man counts out his pills and explains that the one he really needs is for moral fiber. Cast: One male.
POISONOUS FOODS
A customer in a convenience store seeks to buy something poisonous, and winds up with cigarettes. An anti-smoking piece. Cast: Two, non-gender.
THE PRINCESS AND THE TOAD
A princess meets a toad. Naughty comedy ensues. Cast: One male, one female.
PROFESSOR POSSUM’S QUEST FOR THE NOBEL PRIZE
A possum demonstrates why it’s hard for possums to be physicists. Cast: One, non-gender.
POE AS ELECTION ANALYST
Edgar Allen Poe analyzes the election returns as only he can. Cast: One male.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Nov. 5, 1010.
POSSUMS GET NO RESPECT
Two possums at a bar discuss the chicken who crossed the road. Cast: Two males.
THE PROBLEM WITH PIRATES (monologue)
Why are pirates romanticized today? A narrator wonders. Cast: One, non-gender.
THE PROSPECTOR
A monologue about a man prospecting for gold — and finding it in people’s teeth, which he proceeds to extract. Cast: One male..
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST
Football players are asked an abstract question. See which answers goes over best with the evaluators. Cast: Seven – five male, two non-gender.
PUBLIC EMILY NUMBER ONE or PATTY DONAHUE’S GRAVE
A man prays at the grave of one of his childhood fascinations — a one-hit wonder who later died in obscurity. An older woman comes along, the dead singer’s mother. The second version uses a fictional name; the first version uses the real name of a real singer. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
PUNCH A POLAR BEAR IN THE NOSE
A climate change denier is arrested for trying to punch a polar bear in the nose. Cast: Two males.
PUT IT ALL BACK IN
Someone tries to put toothpaste back into the tube. Fails. Likens it to putting a genie back in the bottle, and then meets a real genie. Dark humor. Cast: Three – two on stage, one an off-stage voice. All non-gender.
THE QUEEN OF HER OWN PROM
A teen-age girl waits at home, without a date, on the prom night. A sad little tale. Cast: Two One adult female, one teen-age girl.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, April 2, 2010.
* Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds one-minute play festival, Halifax, U.K., June 2010.
RACING PIGS
Four racing pigs at the county fair discuss their plight. Cast: Four males.
RAKING IT
Two baseball scouts evaluate some talent — a groundskeeper. Cast: Two males. Running time: One minute.
THE REAL REASON YOUR BRA DOESN’T FIT
A television ad in which two engineers swap stories about their design feats. The one designs bras, which he describes in the language of structural integrity and the specs for torque. Cast: Five — two male, two female, one non-gender narrator. Note that in three versions, not all the characters have speaking roles; in three other versions, they do. Running time: One minute or less.
REMEMBRANCE DAY
An old soldier’s nightmares have finally stopped — because now he can’t remember much of anything anymore. See also five-minute version. Cast: One older man.
RESEARCHING THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL
Two guys sit at a bar, drinking. Or maybe they’re researching the next great American novel. Who’s to say? Cast: Two males.
REX, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
Two middle-aged dinosaurs sit at home; the husband reading the paper, the wife knitting or reading a magazine. She’s trying to raise her concerns about possible extinction, but he’s not paying any attention. Depending on how you view it, it’s a scene about inter-personal communications — or a costume piece about dinosaurs. Six versions available. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
* Produced at Brooklyn College, New York, “Gone in 60 Seconds Festival,” June 16-18, 2006.
THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS
A hunter uses a small nuclear device to hunt with. Cast: Two – one adult male, one juvenile male.
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT
A woman talks about her history of being a victim of domestic violence. Six possible endings. Some are monologues, some have other characters appear. Cast: Either one female or one female, two male or one female, one non-gender.
• Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”<!–
* Produced by West High School, West, Texas, Feb. 16, 2008.
THE ROAD TO NOWHERE
A buzzard persuades other wildlife to support the construction of a road that will kill them. Cast: One male.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., fall 2011 or winter 2012.
ROCK MY WORLD
A modern take on the stoning scene from The Bible — a woman talks about her sex life, then is stoned to death by a mob. Cast: One female, one male with speaking line, undetermined number of other men for a crowd scene.
THE RUSSIAN MAIL-ORDER BRIDE (two versions)
A Russian man pretends to be a woman online in a bid to scam Americans looking for a mail-order bride. Version 1 shows his wife or girlfriend catching him in the act. Version 2 shows her unaware, bragging to friends about how much money he makes — and also shows the American victim. Cast of version one: Two — 1 male, 1 female. Cast of version two: Four — 2 male, 2 female
• Version 2 produced by Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va, in One-Page Play Challenge, January 2005.
THE RUSSIAN SCIENCE FAIR
A kid wins a prize for his disinformation campaign online that disrupted American elections. Cast: Four, all non-gender.
THE SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT
A student at a high school science fair creates a black hole, with disastrous results. Cast: Four, all non-gender.
SCOUTING REPORT<
Two buzzards discuss the wildlife they’d like to see expire next. Cast: Two males.
>Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Halifax, UK, June 16, 2012.
SEATING ASSIGNMENTS
A cat complains that a human is sitting in his or her seat. Cast: One, non-gender.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., June 8, 2012.
THE SECRET LIVES OF GOLDFISH, VOL. 7: EVOLUTION
Sushi fears he won’t get fed and vows to turn into a piranha. Moby points out the fallacy in his thinking. Cast: Two, non-gender.
THE SHADOW
A mobster confronts Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-predicting groundhog, for making the wrong call. Cast: Two or three. Envisioned as three males, could be done with two. Running time: One minute.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 1, 2013.
SHAKE THEM BONES
A museum director explains to her board why the fund-raiser with the heavy metal band resulted in the dinosaur skeleton collapsing. Cast: Two – both non-gender.
SHE SAW STARS
A brief sex comedy, involving astronomy. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
SHORT HAIR
A woman learns how to say “no.” Cast: Three females.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Nov. 4, 2011.
SHRODINGER TAKES HIS CAT TO THE VET
Shrodinger takes his famous cat to the veterinarian, where it’s both dead and alive at the same time. Dark comedy ensues. Cast: Two, one male, one non-gender.
SLAM POETRY
Two guys misunderstood, and think a poetry slam is where you slam poets into the ground as in a wrestling match. Physical comedy ensues. Cast: Three — two males, one non-gender.
Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Leeds, UK, May 5, 2015.
A SMALL CLUE AS TO WHY LILA’S MARRIAGE DIDN’T WORK OUT
A mover helps a woman move her belongings into a new place and discovers she has her ex-husband’s penis preserved in a jar. A variation o “Lila Has a Few Anger Management Issues To Work Out” and “A Young Widow Treasures a Keepsake From Her Late Husband” and “A Widow Treasures a Keepsake From Her Late Husband.” Cast: Two — 1 male, 1 female.
Performed at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., February 2006.
A SMALL PROBLEM DOWN THE STREET
A black hole opens on a city street. Or maybe it’s just a pothole. Cast: Two or four, depending on which ending you use. All non-gender.
* Produced by Asphalt Jungle Shorts, Kitchener, Ontario, 2017.
SOME DISAPPOINTMENTS ARE TEMPORARY, OTHERS ARE FOREVER
A cautionary tale as to why you should pick your tattoo artist carefully. Cast: One female.
SOME PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO LOOK
A mermaid visits a shoe store. Cast: Two – one female, one non-gender.
SOMEBODY OUT THERE AS LONELY AS ME
A man and a woman who have never met sit alone in their own apartments, giving voice to their deepest desires, which are the same — up to a point. They remain lonely and sad. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., Feb. 19, 2010.
* Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Studio Roanoke, Roanoke, Va., April 2, 2010.
* Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds one-minute play festival, Halifax, U.K., June 2010.
STOPLIGHT
A man runs a red light because he believes the traffic light is an infringement on his liberties.. Cast: One male, one female.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va. Sept. 21, 2012.
A SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE APPLIES THE AGE-OLD LESSON THAT THE WAY TO A MAN’S HEART IS THROUGH HIS STOMACH
A suburban housewife is jealous of how much her husband eyes the next door neighbor, so she kills the neighbor and serves her up in a stew. Cast: Two — 1 male, 1 female.
Produced by Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va., in One-Page Play Challenge, January 2005.
Honorable mention, Jovialities One-Minute Play Festival, Cleveland, Ohio, 2005.
Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
SUCKERPUNCH
A man gets punched by an octopus. Comedy ensues. Cast: Two with speaking lines; feel free to add others without lines. One male, all the rest non-gender.
SUNSET IN NORTH DAKOTA (one minute version)Two minor league ballplayers watch the sun goes down. One sees it as a metaphor for the end of his career. Cast: Two males.
* Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Brooklyn College, Brooklyn, N.Y., June 8-9, 2012.
SWEAT LIKE A PIG
A disgusting, but true, story about farming.Cast: Two males.
TAKE YOUR MOTHER OUT ON MOTHER’S DAY
A man misunderstands his mother and instead of taking her to a tapas bar, they wind up at . . . a topless bar. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
A TALE OF TWO TOADS
Two toads are talking. One attempts to demonstrate how you get a princess to kiss a toad. Naughty comedy ensues. Cast: Two male, one female.
THE TALKING WOLF
A dark monologue by a talking wolf. Cast: One male.
* Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., spring 2009.
TEA TIME
A box of tea bags gets switched with a box of condoms. Grandmother is very surprised. Cast: Three: One young male, one young female, one senior female.
TEAM MOM
A kids’ sports team has a secret weapon — the team mom. This one’s a witch doctor who casts spells. Cast: Three: Two males, one female.
Performed July 2006 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
TEQUILA AND TENTACLES
A woman fantasizes about sex with an alien Cast: One male.
THAT AIN’T THE AMERICA I KNOW
Militiaman patrolling the border looking for illegal immigrants seize the Statue of Liberty. A pro-immigration piece. Cast: Six – five males, one female.
THEIR LAST SELFIE
A couple trying to take a selfie fall off a cliff to their deaths. Other than that, it’s a comedy. Cast: Two.
THERE ARE NO CELLPHONES IN SHAKESPEARE
A director does to an audience member with a cellphone what a lot of directors would surely like to do. Cast: Four, non-gender.
Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, New York, June 2015.
THE THIEF IN THE NIGHT
A thief appears by a woman’s bed. It’s time himself. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
38 SEX TRICKS
A customer complains about the headline on a magazine in the check-out line. Cast: Three – two females, one non-gender best as female.
THREE POSSUMS AT THE BAR
Three possums discuss the chicken who crossed the road. Cast: Three, non-gender.
THREE TREES TALKING
Three trees contemplate the question: If they were human, what kind of human would be they? Cast: Three, non-gender.
* Produced at GI60, New York, 2014
* Produced by Asphalt jungle shorts, Kitchener, Ontario, 2015
* Produced by Fast and Furious Festival, Stage Left Theater, Spokane, Washington. February 2017.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED THE HARD WAY (parts 1 and 2)
A kid recites a list of things he (or she) has learned the hard way. Like don’t tie sparklers to the neighbor’s cat. And don’t try to dry off a wet gerbil in the microwave. Cast: One child, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
Staged reading of version 1 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 21, 2007.
- Staged reading of version 2 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 5, 2007.
- Classroom performance at Community School, Roanoke, Va., November 2007.
- Staged reading at Fincastle Opry and Hoe-Down, Fincastle, Va., Nov. 17, 2007.
* Produced at Harrogate, England, “Gone in 60 Seconds,” June 13-14, 2008.
THE TIME THIEVES STRIKE AGAIN
A man wakes up to find all his clocks set ahead, and becomes convinced thieves have stolen an hour from his life. Instead, it’s only daylight savings time in the spring. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
TIME FOR AN UPGRADE
A teen-age girl catches her mother having an affair, and uses it as leverage. Cast: One female.
- Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., July 2012.
- Staged reading at The Best of No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 5, 2012.
THE TIME TRAVELLER
Two strangers at the bar. One of them might be from the future. Cast: Two males.
TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY
A kid has a bad day and an adult tries to reassure the child that “tomorrow is another day.” But that seems a scary thought. Cast: Two — one adult, one child, both non-gender.
TOPLESS
This topless bar means the patrons go topless, which comes as a surprise to the two men who visit. Two different versions available: Cast: Either two males or two males, one female.
THE TOW TRUCK GOD
A tow truck driver talks about the power he has. Version one is dark yet practical. Versions two and three have a black comedy aspect, in which the tow truck driver may actually believe he’s a god. Cast: One male.
THE TRUTH ABOUT PIE
Two characters debate the origin of pie. One gets it in the face. Cast: Two, non-gender.
TWELVE FEET
A monologue about the possible size of a dinosaur penis. . Cast: One female.
28 DAYS OF NUCLEAR WAR
A woman with breast cancer talks about her upcoming radiation, and likens it to nuclear war. Cast:One female.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Aug. 19, 2011.
TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT BEHEADINGS
A man asks twenty morbid but specific questions about the practice of decapitation, as it relates to terrorism. Cast: One, could be either gender
• Performed September 2004 at No Shame Theatre, Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va.
TWO SQUIRRELS ON A POWERLINE
Two squirrels on a powerline, and two buzzards in a restaurant. You can probably guess how this turns out. Cast: Four, non-gender.
THE TYPO IN THE BIBLE
Two workers in Gutenberg’s shop put together the Bible for its first printing, but a crucial word — “not” — falls out. Calamity ensues.Cast: Four — three male, one female.
Produced by Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va, in One-Page Play Challenge, January 2005.
AN UNEXPECTED CHEESE PARTY
Some mice found one of their fellows dead in a mousetrap. What to do, oh what to do? What else? Eat the cheese! Cast: Four, non-gender. Running time: One minute.
Produced at #Next Gen, Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, New York, June 2015.
Produced at regular Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, New York, June 2015.
AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR
Is he from the future? Or a prankster? Cast: One, non-gender.
THE UNIFIED FIELD THEORY OF EVERYTHING
A scientist works out a complicated formula on the blackboard and discovers – the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about. Cast: One male.
* Produced by Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Brooklyn College, New York, N.Y., June 12-13, 2009.
THE UNIFORM
A coach cuts a player from the team, gently letting him down by saying he just doesn’t have a uniform available for him. The player misunderstands, and makes his own — then shows up at practice with a makeshift uniform. Cast: One male. Running time: One minute. (See full cast version under five-minute pieces.)
Produced at Gone in 60 Seconds Festival, Brooklyn College, New York, N.Y., June 8-9, 2012.
THE UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF HELEN OF TROY
Based on the Trojan War. Helen of Troy, for whom the war was waged, lived until old age. But two young women — one on either side — were sacrificed. Cast: Five — three females, two males without speaking parts.
VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
A student’s science project on the size of certain animal penises disrupts the science fair. Cast: Two – one male, one female..
VOWS, or AMANDA CATCHES HER NO-GOOD HUSBAND IN THE ACT FOR THE LAST TIME
A woman reacts badly to catching her adulterous husband in the act. Cast: One female.
THE WAY TO A MAN’S HEART
A woman contemplates killing her man. Three versions available. Cast: Versions 1 and 2 have 1 female, 1 male. Version 3 just has 1 female.
WHAT MRS. C REALLY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS
Mrs. Claus types up a personal ad so she can have an affair while Santa is off on his deliveries. Cast: Two – one male, one female.
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO THE UNICORNS
Umm, they were gay. Cast: Two or three, depending on which version you use. Ideally, two male. If you go with three, the third can be non-gender. Running time: One minute.
WHINERS
A high school football coach tries to build discipline in his program – by making the parents run laps.. Cast: One male, one non-gender.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Oct. 12, 2012.
THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
A man tries to compliment his girlfriend and promptly gets in in trouble, and his clarifications only make the matter worse. Cast: One male, one female. Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., Sept. 14, 2012.
WHORE IN THE LIVING ROOM
A woman gets the admonition “lady in the living room, whore in the bedroom” mixed up. Cast: Two — one male, one female.
A WIDOW TREASURES A KEEPSAKE FROM HER LATE HUSBAND
She has her late husband’s penis preserved in a jar. A sad, serious piece unlike the others that are similar to this. A variation of “A Small Clue As To Why Lila’s Marriage Didn’t Work Out” and “Lila Has a Few Anger Management Issues To Work Out” and “A Young Widow Treasures a Keepsake From Her Late Husband.” Cast: Two — 1 male, 1 female
WORKING FIRE
A firebug praises Prometheus for stealing fire from the gods. Cast: One non-gender, but with off-stage voice or recording.
THE WRIGHT SISTERS AND OTHER IMPORTANT FIGURES FROM HERSTORY
A teacher decides to give women a more prominent role in history by changing male historical figures to female ones. The Wright Brothers become the Wright Sisters, and so forth. Cast: Four — 1 male, 3 female.
Produced by Mill Mountain Theatre, Roanoke, Va, in One-Page Play Challenge, January 2005.
Published by Eldridge Publishing, spring 2006, as part of the collection “24/7.”
YEAH, VIRGINIA, WHATEVER
A modern version of “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.” A little girl asks her father if Santa exists; he tells her to write the local newspaper. So what’s a newspaper?, she asks. Cast: Two: One man, one girl.
THE YEAR DAD FINALLY LOST IT AT CHRISTMAS
A man gets fed up with his wife complaining that the family’s Christmasdecorations don’t measure up with the neighbors, so he takes actionand chops don’t the tree in the neighbor’s yard. This comes in a 5-minute version and a 1-minute version: Cast: Five — 2 male adults (one off-stage only), 1 female adult, 1 female child, 1 male child. Alternate cast ast: Four — 1 male adult, 1 female adult, 1 female child, 1 male child.
Five-minute version performed at No Shame Theatre at Mill Mountain, Theatre, Roanoke, Va., December 2004.
YOU’LL GET ‘EM NEXT TIME
A kid has a bad day and an adult tries to reassure the child that “you’ll get ‘em next time.” But that seems a scary thought. Cast: Two — one adult, one child, both non-gender.
A YOUNG WIDOW TREASURES A KEEPSAKE FROM HER LATE HUSBAND
A mover helps a young widow move her belongings into a new place and discovers she has her late husband’s penis preserved in a jar. Sad and funny. A variation of “A Small Clue As To Why Lila’s Marriage Didn’t Work Out” and “Lila Has a Few Anger Management Issues To Work Out” and “A Widow Treasures a Keepsake From Her Late Husband.” Cast: Two — 1male, 1 female.
ZOMBIES!
A piece about cancer. Cast: One female.
Staged reading at No Shame Theatre, Oct. 28, 2011.
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